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AIBU?

To have been insulted by something DP said to me regarding our relationship?

150 replies

Roxette15 · 21/05/2015 10:37

DP has extreme health anxiety (another thread!). His latest illness is lymphoma but because the doctors are actually investigating his claims this time he's gone into overdrive and has officially self-diagnosed himself with life threatening cancer. (not the first time, unfortunately).

So last night he's going through his concerns with me and says "I worry about you too, I mean, once it's diagnosed officially you might decide you don't want to know me. We've not known each other long, you might decide it's not worth it and leave. You might decide you don't want to marry me.

We've been together 3 years and are due to get married in 11 months. (booked).

I'm insulted to be honest. "we've not known each other long" totally trivializes our entire relationship IMO, it implies that we're nothing special - just dating almost. The fact that he thinks I would just bugger off if he was diagnosed with something implies that that's how deep he sees our relationship - that if one of us got a better offer we'd be off like a shot and on top of that, putting my psychology hat on, people tend to judge others intentions by their own standards - meaning I'm now wondering if that's what HE'D do if I came down with some awful diagnoses.

I know I'm probably over thinking everything but ffs, I spent most of yesterday organising stuff for our wedding and trying to sort out a honeymoon and he comes home saying "well we've not known each other long" etc etc!!???

I told him I was pissed off and hurt/insulted. He says I took it all the wrong way. Mumsnet jury??!

OP posts:

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TheBestMumInTheWorld · 21/05/2015 10:39

honestly? I would not consider marrying him he sounds like he will suck out your life blood.

Pispcina · 21/05/2015 10:42

Forgive me but I am wondering how you have put up with him for three years. He sounds intolerable. Sorry x

Pispcina · 21/05/2015 10:43

and you're not overthinking it.

LaurieFairyCake · 21/05/2015 10:43

What's the point being insulted?

His daft comments, paranoia, irrational thinking are all part of his illness.

The only question you need to ask yourself is do you trust him to get help for his mental health condition?

If he's doing nothing about this then I think you're letting yourself in for a lifetime of trying to manage his condition for him.

Don't do it.

NameChange30 · 21/05/2015 10:43

He is clearly not a rational person if he thinks he's dying of cancer without any evidence to support that. Tbh I wouldn't take anything he says very seriously!

Is he getting any treatment for his health anxiety eg seeing a counsellor, psychologist etc?

Personally I would insist on that and would want to see an improvement in his anxiety before I would consider marrying him.

Sounds harsh but if he doesn't want to change he's going to be very difficult to be in a relationship with.

OfaFrenchMind · 21/05/2015 10:43

^^ Exactly.

Just in your message, he made my skin crawl! You are going to have to hold his hand all your life, OP, and it will go worse with age.

NameChange30 · 21/05/2015 10:44

X-post with Laurie!

letscookbreakfast · 21/05/2015 10:45

Have you posted about him before OP? He sounds like hard work.

Jackie0 · 21/05/2015 10:45

I'd react exactly the same way you did.
Its very hurtful and offensive and if he can't see that I'd wonder if he wasn't a tad self absorbed .
I think it was a dickish thing to say.
I'd be sympathic about his health anxiety on the basis he recognises it for what it is and was taking steps to remedy the situation, but once he started with this self pitying attention seeking ' you won't love me enough' claptrap my sympathy would be gone.
What did he expect you to say?
Beg him to believe you aren't a shallow liar?
Fuck that.
Maybe your reaction with make his wise up.

DuncanQuagmire · 21/05/2015 10:47

" once he started with this self pitying attention seeking ' you won't love me enough' claptrap "

exactly - whiny, manipulative and self pitying. Just yuk. OP, think hard!

Roxette15 · 21/05/2015 10:50

It is sucking the life out of me. I feel drained by it all. He's now being sent for a CT scan.
He's had every scan, MRI, blood test, examination etc etc known to modern science. EVERYTHING comes back clear. Before lymphoma it was prostate cancer. Before that it was Leukemia. Constant hospital appointments, doctors appointments, google diagnoses, examinations - every holiday we've planned has been marred by this dark cloud of impending terminal illness, now our wedding has this cloud hovering over it and I'm starting to feel so fucking resentful and frustrated.
He was sent for counseling and 'officially' diagnosed with health anxiety. He went to two sessions before saying it was a waste of time because all they're doing is trying to make him think he's imagining his symptoms.

OP posts:

CaspoFungin · 21/05/2015 10:50

I don't see anything wrong with what he said, he probably wasn't thinking about what he said and was just waiting for the obligatory "I never would leave you I love you, you're so great"

NameChange30 · 21/05/2015 10:50

By the way, my DH was diagnosed with cancer just after we got back from honeymoon I can honestly say it was the worst experience of our lives (but luckily he has since got the all clear). He did say in tears that he felt guilty about marrying me despite being damaged goods (can't remember his exact words but it was something like that) and it was heartbreaking. Of course I told him not to be silly and that I would marry him again in a heartbeat!

But if he had a mental health condition he refused to get help for? Don't think I would have married him in the first place.

NameChange30 · 21/05/2015 10:51

"He was sent for counseling and 'officially' diagnosed with health anxiety. He went to two sessions before saying it was a waste of time because all they're doing is trying to make him think he's imagining his symptoms."

LTB

oldguygirl · 21/05/2015 10:53

I think the poor man has mental health issues and what he needs to do is seek help for that. What you need to decide is if you want to cope with that and help him get that help.
He isnt being whiney or pathetic - he is being ill.
It personally sounds like a cry for help from him.
I understand why you feel upset but I think you need to look past that and see his mental health illness is making him irrational- hard I know.
Gotta love Mumsnet for the man hating, mental health bashing lot that you are

Jackie0 · 21/05/2015 10:54

I'd call his bluff

AuntyMag10 · 21/05/2015 10:54

You do know this is his illness speaking. However it's part and parcel of who he is, so you need to decide if this is what you want for your life. Factor in being married to him, having children, and general life hiccups how will you cope if this is what you have to deal with.
I read your post and felt exhausted for you, please rethink if you want to marry this man.

CaspoFungin · 21/05/2015 10:54

If he's not willing to get treatment for his health anxiety then that horrible cloud of terminal illness is gonna hang over forever, apart from he may well get an illness at some point but you won't beleive him an then you'll have to deal with the guilt of that. Plus I bet he's only getting a CT cos he's exaggerated his symptoms.

Roxette15 · 21/05/2015 10:55

Sorry to hear about your DH anotheremma, glad he's now got the all clear.

See it's getting to me because I find myself worrying that he HAS got some terminal illness and that I'd blame myself for never listening to him etc etc - his paranoia is spreading to my head too.

Last night he was trying to find out how long he had left to live. A couple of hours earlier I was discussing our long term plans for travel. It makes me think "what's the fucking point".

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 21/05/2015 10:55

oldguygirl RTFT - he has refused help for his mental health issues

LaurieFairyCake · 21/05/2015 10:55

Yes, your update means you will never have a day's happiness with him.

You will have no life, he will suck it out of you.

The mental health professionals are trying to get him manage his irrational thoughts, he is actually refusing to do so.

LazyLouLou · 21/05/2015 10:55

Tell him that he has become a self fulfilling prophecy - and leave!

That all sounds like far too much sadness to marry into: he needs to get himself sorted, to want to engage properly with hcp and you need to protect yourself.

Good luck.

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WhoNickedMyName · 21/05/2015 10:55

He's been diagnosed with health anxiety and is declining to accept any help for this.

I'd have a long hard think about whether you do actually want to marry him or even continue in the relationship with him.

If he were willing to engage with counselling then I'd say different, but this guy is going to bring you down with him.

DuncanQuagmire · 21/05/2015 10:56

nobody is 'mental health bashing' but if somebody refuses to seek treatment then they are not marriage material, sorry.

LaurieFairyCake · 21/05/2015 10:58

Oldguygirl - there is absolutely no mental health bashing going on

It's absolutely fine loving and marrying someone with mental health issues who is engaged in treatment.

It's not fine putting your entire wishes and desires aside to facilitate someone else's illness if they choose to do nothing to help themselves. Or if you do, go into that with eyes wide open.

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