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AIBU?

To not apologise.

43 replies

usedtobeme39 · 20/05/2015 07:31

My sister hasn't spoken to me for 2 years and she also decided to cut my DM out shortly after because DM refused to place the blame solely on me and cut me out herself which is what sister wanted.

It all started with a row over. I was heavily pregnant at the time and when she wouldn't let it drop (she really was laying in to me) I told her to fuck off. She then got her DH to call me and text me saying really shitty things - how I'm going to be an awful mum, slagging off my partner, etc.

I responded first by asking them to leave me alone, and when they continued I got angry and told them a few home truths. Sister has not spoken to me since that day.

She now claims she is suffering huge anxiety to the point where she can't properly function in life (almost housebound, panic attacks at certain 'triggers') and she says it is all down to me and the things I said to her when I lashed out.

Anyway, fast forward to now and my Dm is desperate to have contact with her again. Sister has replied that the only way she will consider having contact with DM is if I send a written apology stating that I admit the row was entirely my fault and I acknowledge that I have caused her anxiety issues.

I have no interest in making amends with her myself if I'm honest as she is in my opinion completely unreasonable and I prefer to live a life with as little drama as possible. I would consider apologising for my DMs sake so that they can continue their relationship. WIBU to apolgise?

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DragonWithAGirlTattoo · 20/05/2015 07:34

I wouldn't

I'd say to DM it's up to her if she want to talk to her but youre not getting involved

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RobotLover68 · 20/05/2015 07:39

and when you've apologised I imagine there will be a new hurdle to jump - when will it end?

I wouldn't apologise, your DM needs to sort it out herself

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AuntyMag10 · 20/05/2015 07:46

If your sister is truly ill and desperate to sort her life out wouldn't she want to also admit to her part in the problem and resolve the issues. But no she wants you to take entire responsibility for it. I wouldn't bother with that letter. She will hold it over you always after that.

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Snozberry · 20/05/2015 07:47

She is choosing not to have a relationship with your mum and that is not your responsibility to sort out, an apology won't be enough anyway if she realises she can make you jump through hoops. You'd be best to stay out of it.

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icelollycraving · 20/05/2015 07:57

I'd tell your mum that your sister's recovery is something she should own. Obviously we don't know what was said but I think it's irrelevant really as there will always be a new hurdle to jump. It isn't like you're really sorry or that it's heartfelt if you need a gun to your head to apologise.

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TheBobbinIsWound · 20/05/2015 07:59

You're totally right OP. Don't be manipulated like this. You owe her nothing and if she was as anxious as she makes out then she wouldn't be in a position to make demands like that.

What you may find as well is that anyone she knows has, in addition to the truth, been fed an absolute pack of bullshit lies about whatever you said. The truth is lost and she's trapped herself in lies making herself the victim. If you write a letter that's "everything's my fault" then you may have no idea what you're admitting to.

This happened to me earlier this year.

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AspieAndNT · 20/05/2015 08:05

I suffered with severe anxiety and had a near break down due to how my boss treated me and what she said. No apology would have made me any better as the words had been said and so the damage was done.

I had counselling and basically had to sort my self out to get well again.

What I'm trying to say is that if your sister is as poorly as she makes out your apology won't make any difference. ThThe only situation it would make a difference is if she isn't really unwell and is trying to make you grovel to her.

Don't apologise. She cut your mum off. It is between them.

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CaptainAnkles · 20/05/2015 08:07

It sounds like you both said horrible things, so I don't blame you for not accepting the entire blame for the falling out.

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popalot · 20/05/2015 08:10

Nope, it's a power play on her part. Any reconciliation will probably be short lived. I would just ignore and carry on. If she wants a relationship with her mum she doesn't need an apology from you. She probably is suffering mental illness, but only she can help herself out of that.

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BlinkAndMiss · 20/05/2015 08:10

She sounds very manipulative. I'm not sure what your sister's relationship with your mum has to do with your apology? Surely, she doesn't need you to apologise in order for her to amend her relationship with her mum, how ridiculous.

If she's trying to get better then she has to accept her part in the row, and I think you should point that out to her. Maybe write to her and explain that although you are willing to apologise for your part in it, you won't be accepting full responsibility and even after you discuss things with her you aren't interested in reinstating contact. Tell her that if that is preventing her from having a relationship with her mum then it would be a shame but nothing to do with you.

She sounds like a nightmare, don't get dragged into admitting something you aren't completely responsible for.

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Sweetpea15 · 20/05/2015 09:24

I went through similar with my sister, I was the one who ended up with anxiety and needed councelling.

We didn't really apologise, just agreed to a fresh start after 2 years of not talking. We're now closer than we have been in years.

I think she's making you jump through hoops and honestly....I'm a stubborn cow so that would get my back up and I'd refuse.

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Hissy · 20/05/2015 09:39

So your (supposedly) Ill sister is holding HER DM to ransom, insisting YOU apologise?

When she exacerbated the issue by having her idiot DH wade in, insult you and send you messages. more fool him for being such a knob.

Oh i would apologise alright. over my stone cold dead body.

The issue between your sister and your DM is theirs to resolve. stay WELL out of it. If you have no interest in making up, then don't.

I agree that this is ONE hurdle you will be expected to overcome, but it won't be the last.

Your DM ought to send a along the lines of 'You know where I am."

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pluCaChange · 20/05/2015 09:48

Analysing it, there's no way your mother can satisfy your sister's conditions for resuming contact, as those conditions don't depend on your mother. Therefore, your sister is either deliberately taunting your/her own mother and/or trying to get to you again.

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usedtobeme39 · 20/05/2015 10:05

Thank you for the replies. My gut feeling is that I shoudnt apologise, as she will find ways to use it against me in the future and as many of you have said, it definitely wouldn't be the last hoop she's expect me to jump through.

It's really sad as I think she has convinced herself during these 2 years that I really am completely to blame. She has isolated her DD (an only child) from the rest of the family, and since all this happened her and her DH have split up (due to his constant cheating, nothing to do with this), and so it's just the two of them. Thats why I was tempted to do what it takes to help the situation, but I know it would ultimately bite me in the bum.

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PlumpingThePartTimeMother · 20/05/2015 10:12

Oh, now I'm torn. I don't think you should take full responsibility for the argument as frankly it sounds like she instigated it and you were provoked, but the fact that she has isolated her only child is troubling. I'm getting visions of 'Carrie' here, thinking of a poor confused little girl trying to cope with her mother's crazy outbursts and psychological manipulation.

I'd be tempted to extend a half-apology along the lines of 'I'm sorry I called you x y and z, but that's all I feel able to apologise for. I miss DNiece and would love to be able to see her again, she is a lovely child' or something like that.

If DNiece wasn't in the picture I'd happily go NC.

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usedtobeme39 · 20/05/2015 10:24

I'm sorry, I should have mentioned about my DN in the beginning.

Yes, she has completely and utterly isolated her. They have no one. They don't speak to any of the other side (her ex DHs family) and only my brother on or side, and he lives at the other end of the country so it's only occasional phone calls between them anyway.

My DM loves them both (sister and DN) so much (she loves all of us of course). She has tried to reach out many times over the past couple of years but is always met with the same response - I.e I apologise / admit entire fault or she will continue to block all contact. DM has never asked me outright to apologise, but I think she probably hopes I will just so she can resume her relationship. But you are all right, it won't be the last thing. She creates drama and lots of it. I don't want her in my life anymore, but my DM and DN are suffering. Oh it's so hard to know what to do for the best.

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PlumpingThePartTimeMother · 20/05/2015 10:33

I think I'd probably take a deep breath and re-enter the ring, for the sake of the little girl. You might do best to treat your sister as a person with untreated mental problems and not as your sibling, IYSWIM; it might help you to mentally distance yourself while driving towards your goal (re-establishing contact with your niece). Your sister doesn't matter - your niece does.

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DoMeDon · 20/05/2015 10:33

I agree with plumping. Compassion always is my line, she's obviously struggling but you can't own that.

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Theycallmemellowjello · 20/05/2015 10:35

'when they continued I got angry and told them a few home truths'

well it all depends what you said really doesn't it?

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PlumpingThePartTimeMother · 20/05/2015 10:52

What did you say, op?

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usedtobeme39 · 20/05/2015 11:01

It wasn't all that bad bearing in mind she told me I'd be an awful mum when I was 8months pregnant. That hurt.

I said that it's no wonder she has fallen out with her DHs family when she is so unreasonable and relentless (this is when she would not let things drop). I told her to fuck off and leave me alone several times more, and then finally said that I couldn't cope with her dramatics anymore and that I'd speak to her when she had calmed down. Sounds ridiculous I know. My intention was to get her to just leave me alone at that point in time as it was stressful and upsetting having them both going on and on at me. I guess I just snapped.

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BarbarianMum · 20/05/2015 11:03

Then this is who she is. Re-entering the ring will just create more of it. Keep well clear and tell your mum not to talk to you about your sister. Being your sister's victim isn't going to help your neice at all.

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hedgehogsdontbite · 20/05/2015 11:08

What was the row over?

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usedtobeme39 · 20/05/2015 11:11

Honestly - I can't remember how it started.

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SuperFlyHigh · 20/05/2015 11:13

I had a half sister like this who I fell out with over 10 years ago... There was a phone argument, I was stupidly rude to my other half sister in anger but I apologised via my step-mum.

FFW a few years and my half sister who I fell out with got in touch with my brother and then me... cue phone calls, texts, emails etc and her mentioning she wanted to meet up. Then she even mentioned to my brother about meeting up... I emailed her, quite pleased about this as I also have 2 nephews I haven't met and after a few emails got a swift rebuttal and it transpired she hadn't forgiven/forgotten whatever from a few years ago and certainly didn't want to meet up. Also when I didn't dance to her tune and told her what I thought about her double meaning via my brother she got angry/upset too. So I quite swiftly cut off contact with her. My brother then cut off contact with her too.

Moral - i can't be bothered dealing with dramatics but others should also (your sister) realise that when you're heavily pregnant it's not the best time to rile you. Also how dare she blame you for her ongoing anxiety?! I fell out with a good friend about 4 years ago and her GF told me I'd caused the good friend's anxiety and depression to increase because of the row - maybe so but if she hadn't rang me up screaming and shouting and calling the odds over something and blaming me for something (long story!) then I too wouldn't have got upset!

I'd leave your sister, if she apologised or took some of the blame on board then maybe I'd make amends.