WIBU to say something to friend's husband?

(34 Posts)
CupidStuntSurvivor Sat 16-May-15 21:03:26

A friend and I have drinks and 'nibbles' at mine a couple of times a month in the evening to catch up. It's only about 2-3 hours, not an all nighter. I'm also friends with her DH though not as close. Sometimes she buys, sometimes I do.

She's also having troubles with her DH and they're on the verge of splitting. Trying to work things out for the kids. Failing miserably if I'm honest. I've lost a lot of respect for her DH though have stayed uninvolved...it's their relationship, not mine.

Tonight is supposed to be a drinks night. I bought the things this time. But her DH, knowing she's supposed to be coming over, has decided not to come home again. He does this frequently if she's supposed to be going out...it stops her from being able to leave because their DC are in bed. I can't go to her because DD is asleep.

We both know exactly where he is. He's only a matter of streets away.

He's done this 5 times so far and 4 were on nights where I've been paying. I feel like I'm wasting money frequently because he doesn't want her to have a life.

I want to stay uninvolved. I genuinely do. It's all very messy but I've managed to so far. But honestly, I'm sick of spending money only for him to decide she's stuck at home. I'm not very well off at all...these are my treat nights. We buy treat foods that I never get through in time on my own so I end up throwing loads of the food away.

It would be really unreasonable for me to say something to him, wouldn't it? I see him several times a day most days...And every bloody time I see him I get a little bit more annoyed because I know she's looking after their DC all day again. But wasting my money yet again has really annoyed me angry

FarFromAnyRoad Sat 16-May-15 21:05:21

I'd say something actually. He probably thinks it's only her he's annoying. He sounds like a proper thoughtless twat. Say something.

Debinaround Sat 16-May-15 21:12:33

I would want to say something to him. In fact I would want to knock the selfish twats block off but it would depend on if I thought it would cause your friend more grief.

Maybe if it came up naturally in conversation with him. Then give it to him both barrels. angry

DoMeDon Sat 16-May-15 21:12:41

Yanbu to say something about the money wasted. Can she not come tomorrow or another night? What the hell do you buy that costs so much!? <nosey> next time buy stuff that can be frozen smile

CrabbyTheCrabster Sat 16-May-15 21:15:17

I'd tear strips off him, personally, but then I'm fairly confrontational direct.

AgentZigzag Sat 16-May-15 22:25:20

If you genuinely want to not get involved you can't say anything, after him doing it for the third time I'm surprised you shelled out on stuff that had to be chucked again.

Is it a bit off that you're more bothered about what you've bought than how he's manipulating your friend into not going out?

Unless it's your way of telling him he's being a prick by making it about the money you've spent without looking as though you're taking sides?

I'm not sure it's possible to stay neutral if you're friends with them both tbh. Why do you see him several times a day? At work or just 'around' wherever you live?

KillmeNow Sat 16-May-15 22:35:45

YANBU to say something to him. He probably thinks hes being so clever in blocking her from going out .You need to take him down a peg or two by reminding him that other people are well aware of what a twat he's being.

Although he might be only too well aware that he has two women dangling waiting for his majesty to turn up so they can have their girls night in?

But why are you buying food that will not keep? After the first time of having stuff go to waste I would have held off buying more until I was certain it would be used.

PlumpingThePartTimeMother Sat 16-May-15 22:42:06

I suggest that from now on you always go over to her place (take food if it's your turn to buy) and take your DD with you - tell her it's a fun sleepover night. Show that horrible man that his sad little tactics don't work.

esiotrot2015 Sat 16-May-15 22:47:28

I too wonder what you buy ?
Pringles , olives, wine etc don't go off !
Or wait til she arrives & get takeaway

CupidStuntSurvivor Sat 16-May-15 23:07:17

Apologies everyone...was half way through responding when the DH walked past my flat. I may have said something.

Just catching up on your comments now...

IrishDad79 Sat 16-May-15 23:10:30

You throw the food out if your friend can't come over? Bit extreme isn't it?

NeedsAsockamnesty Sat 16-May-15 23:10:51

I want to know what you may have said

AlternativeTentacles Sat 16-May-15 23:11:43

What foods are you buying? Buy different ones!

CupidStuntSurvivor Sat 16-May-15 23:18:57

DoMe grin I don't spend loads by most people's standards. But to me it's a lot. I'm a single parent currently on benefits and most of the money I get goes on either essentials or text books for a course I'm doing. It's only 20ish pounds but to me, that's enough to buy a month's worth of nappies, months' worth of ingredients for bread, etc.

AgentZigzag Sat 16-May-15 23:19:23

I'm trying to think of 'nibbles' that have to be thrown out if they're not used up straight away.

<thinks hard>

Souffle? (little tiny bite size ones?)

Prawn crackers?

Uhhhh, freshly popped popcorn?

<exhausted>

arethereanyleftatall Sat 16-May-15 23:23:47

I wouldn't say anything, but I would switch to buying treat foods from the freezer section. Still lots of nice party nibbles available.

CupidStuntSurvivor Sat 16-May-15 23:24:45

A lot of interest about the food hmm. You know that's not the point, right?

Today it was cakes. I wouldn't eat the full quantity on my own in the time before it needs throwing (without gorging myself). So it goes to waste.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Sat 16-May-15 23:26:04

So have you said something?

TRexingInAsda Sat 16-May-15 23:30:01

So what did you maybe say?! And what did he say back?

CupidStuntSurvivor Sat 16-May-15 23:30:27

Killme, he did seem to think he was being clever. Hadn't registered with him that it wasn't only his DW he was messing about angry

She's been round now though (he was quite shame faced and did go home). Just need to see if there's any repercussions onto her. She was very frustrated.

StackladysMorphicResonator Sat 16-May-15 23:31:21

YANBU - he sounds like a complete arse! What did you say to him and what did the knob he reply?

TooOldForGlitter Sat 16-May-15 23:31:28

Amazing how people will focus on the food and not the massive twat of a man.

2catsfighting Sat 16-May-15 23:34:51

Why don't you just get a takeaway and split the cost? You don't need to order if she can't come and a bottle of wine won't go off!

AgentZigzag Sat 16-May-15 23:35:39

But you have made food the point Cupid.

The DH didn't choose or buy the food, and your OP was about the food going to waste rather than him being a wanker and stopping out when he knew his DW had plans to go out.

If you think he should be pulled up on that then fair do's, but you'd be taking sides, which you categorically said you don't want to do.

CupidStuntSurvivor Sat 16-May-15 23:42:18

I kept it fairly simple. Said the money I've spent tonight for a night in with DFriend is a lot to me and that if he wants me to stay out of their issues, he needs to make sure his poor behaviour is kept in check.

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