To be a bit annoyed

(44 Posts)
ClaraM Sat 16-May-15 06:30:00

Just trying to get a measure of how unreasonable I am! (according to DH very).

DH has applied for a law degree but hasn't mentioned it to me, as he says it's not important. He's going to pay for it, it's part time by distance learning and would take up to 6 years. He's doing it for 'fun', it would have no impact on his job as he already has several relevant degree level qualifications. It will mean several study weekends a year and studying in the evenings, therefore having some impact on family life (he already works a lot and spends a lot of time on hobbies). I have 2 SN children from previous relationship (one severely disabled), a job, already do most of housework and childcare! AIBU to expect him to at least discuss it with me? I know he can do what he wants, it's not up to me, but I don't seem to feature in his thinking at all.

DH also sometimes goes out very early (5.30am) for one of his hobbies. This usually wakes me up as he puts light on and has a shower etc. i don't really mind this as sometimes I can go back to sleep. Quite often though, his friends hang around outside waiting for him chatting loudly. This must disturb our sleeping neighbours at 5.30 am. I think this is very inconsiderate but DH thinks IABU again.

I am beginning to think I live in an alternative universe where no one considers anyone else. Is it me?

DevonFolk Sat 16-May-15 06:34:00

YANBU. He sounds pretty selfish tbh. Signing up for a degree without discussing the impact on family life? I'd be flipping fuming.

Toofattorun Sat 16-May-15 06:37:51

Yes. Selfish. To you. Your neighbours...bloody selfish.
You get a hobby and fuck off out at stupid o'clock - see how he likes it.

MythicalKings Sat 16-May-15 06:40:37

YANBU

selfish git.

Charis1 Sat 16-May-15 07:08:58

I don't see why he can't sign up to a degree, it is a fairly constructive hobby to have, better than having a "hobby" of drinking down the pub every night!

And the children are your responsibility, not his, isn't that right?

He should ask his friends to be quiet in the early morning, though!

ClaraM Sat 16-May-15 07:17:17

Charis, that's exactly what he says - at least he's not down the pub every night! I just would have liked to feature in his thought processes before he signed up to it!

Yes the children are my responsiblity. I do the lion's share of care, I pay for them mostly, I do almost all the cooking and cleaning. I don't think he has an unfair deal there. But we do live as a family, what he does affects us. I would like to think that he would think before making my life a bit more difficult. I certainly would for him.

paxtecum Sat 16-May-15 07:25:09

He is just looking for ways of opting out of family life. Another law degree that he does need just gives him an excuse to disappear every evening to study, avoiding any interaction with family and avoiding any household jobs.

People like Charis will think he is Mister Wonderful because he is doing another degree on top of working so hard for his family.

Charis1 Sat 16-May-15 07:26:34

Op how does it make your life harder?

TestingTestingWonTooFree Sat 16-May-15 07:27:52

If you get married, you become a team with shared responsibilities. I would expect DH to mention to me any opting out of family life for a night, and to consult me for anything more than 3 nights. Starting a degree is a major commitment that ought to have been discussed.

With the 5:30 start, if it wasn't possible for him to sleep in the spare room, I'd expect my DH to shower the night before and then creep out quietly.

He sounds very selfish and inconsiderate.

Stealthpolarbear Sat 16-May-15 07:29:02

Because he's not there, helping

Charis1 Sat 16-May-15 07:29:47

helping? Don't get this attitude, sorry

Tarrainabit Sat 16-May-15 07:31:04

Blergh, I hate that 'at least I am not drinking in the pub' attitude.

Jacana Sat 16-May-15 07:31:57

I'm with charis on this one, including telling the waiting friends to be quiet!

Stealthpolarbear Sat 16-May-15 07:33:14

Do you have children charts? Primary age (I can't speak for seconday) they take a lot of work and effort, ,just mundane stuff but it takes time and is grinding

hobNong Sat 16-May-15 07:33:38

What do you not get? He lives in a house that has to be cleaned etc. Surely he should be around to do some.
Plus, out of respect for the op he should at least say he is thinking of doing a degree.

RaskolnikovsGarret Sat 16-May-15 07:39:45

Why on earth should DH not help with the children???? Bizarre

woowoo22 Sat 16-May-15 07:46:24

What is wrong with people?

He lives in the same house as the OP. He doesn't do the housework. He's not saying "I will do a law degree and continue to do 50% of the housework". And as for the comments about the OP's kids... on what fucking planet does the person with kids do 100% of the childcare just because they are the other parent's step kids?

OP, you would have every right to be massively fuming. And the whole "not down the pub attitude" is laughable.

My ex always said "at least I never cheated on you" - abused me but oh what a saint for not cheating. Same thing with the wanky non pub attendance medal.

MI5agent Sat 16-May-15 07:52:42

My DP can be a bit like this - has an idea in his head and runs with it, normally with little discussion I call him the "fad king" as there is always one fad or another! So far we've had scuba diving, star gazing, growing vegetables, National Trust and more recently there has been talk of doing another degree that he hasn't got time for each fad dwindles and a new one comes along.

YANBU in relation to how he's applied for uni and not even discussed with you. That would be my main concern as it will affect you and your family.

The talking loudly bit would irritate me but it is simple to say to him the night before, can you try and be quiet in the morning because I've had a long week etc. you have then set your expectation and can be more forthright about it if he doesn't respect what you've asked.

All of your OP says to me that you need to sit and talk about how you are feeling because of his actions.

I've had this very awkward discussion several years back as your DH sounds very similar. He was defensive at first but did take it on board and began to factor me in to his decision making. To the outside world it can look selfish but for some people, their upbringing and personality shapes how they consider other people's feelings. I said this to someone the other week about my DP, it isn't that he's selfish, but he's less selfless than I am we also used to call him Doc Martin from the TV show

ClaraM Sat 16-May-15 07:54:50

He makes it more difficult by not being around, leaving me to be responsible for everything. Yes I can cope, but it causes resentment. Especially as dd2 needs a lot of care, preventing me from giving as much time to dd1 (and respite has been cut over the last 5 years). Unfortunately their Dad is not nearby and is not helpful.....

I admit to always being a bit unsure of how much a step-parent should help with step-children, so haven't asked him to regularly do much. To me, it's about if he cares about me, he will try to make my life easier if he can, in the same way as I try to help him.

ClaraM Sat 16-May-15 08:01:59

Yes MI5agent (interesting job!), I totally agree on the fads! DH is definitely like this - always with some new plan and some new ambition. I think he probably avoided talking to me about the degree as he knew I'd not be totally positive.... i do try to talk to him about how his behaviour affects me. I think small amounts go in for a while, then he forgets again.

woowoo22 Sat 16-May-15 08:04:53

How much involvement does he actually have to with the kids at the moment?

ProcrastinatingPat Sat 16-May-15 08:05:05

I absolutely think u have every right to be annoyed. Firstly when he married you he knew you had kids and entered into that relationship with his eyes open. He bloody should be helping with them! Imagine hermits definitely should have discussed this with you first. He is selfish but it sounds like you are almost facilitating his selfishness by not making him aware that u expect him to help with all aspects of family (his family) life.

You need to have a long serious chat so u can move on from this.

ReallyAmAtBreakingPoint Sat 16-May-15 08:06:32

YANBU.

Your DH is entitled to take up hobbies once he's done 50% of housework and, depending on how many hours you both work, a reasonable amount of childcare. When a man marries a woman with DC he becomes a parent as well as a husband.

OP - why do you do all the housework? Do you have time and space for hobbies and relaxation?

MissMogwi Sat 16-May-15 08:07:53

In my opinion it makes no difference if he is their stepfather. He lives with you and should co parent with you. That means sharing the care and responsibility of yourDD's. both of you should get a break. It sounds like you need one.

If he's not doing that, and swanning off doing his own thing most of the time, then he's selfish and lazy.

My DP is not my DC dad, yet treats them as his own in every way. If he wasn't prepared to do that, it wouldn't work for me. He's better than their actual father tbh.

ClaraM Sat 16-May-15 08:35:33

To be fair to him, he does do his share with the DC. This month I have had several things come up which have each meant I've not been back till late, and he has been happy to do all that's needed. He does help where needed with the DC.

On a regular daily basis though, I do most of the household chores. We have had endless 'discussions' about the distribution of tasks. I do work part time, while he's full time, so have not been too bothered about it. Basically he needs to be asked to do anything every day. If asked, he will do it. This does my head in! Sometimes it's just easier to do it myself. hmm

Thanks for your replies, I am glad that a lot of you would also be a bit annoyed.....

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