to be fed up with a friend who's STILL sulking

[bananacarnival]

5 weeks later, after an emotional outburst on my part for which I've apologised for profusely, still no contact from supposed 'best friend' of 25 years. I've contacted him since to ask after him, but on a day to day basis whereby we were normally speaking everyday, I'm not hearing from him at all. Nothing. I posted this on 'what would you do ' a few weeks ago, but only got one reply. I'm ready to send him a message saying "are you sulking? If so, think I've misjudged our friendship "If anyone can be bothered to read it here's my old post. Thanks in advance for any advice :

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Talk What would you do?
Sulking friend - what would you do?3
06/05/2015 20:48 bananacarnival

Closest friend of the past 25 years is currently giving me the complete silent treatment and I feel as though he should be making contact with me, not vice versa.

In the past 9 months I've been going through some kind of a near breakdown. Lots of health issues, very depressed and lots of stress including lots of demands on me and my time, marital crisis, recent trauma etc
Best friend has spent some time with me but generally tries to avoid talking about my problems. Throughout our teens and twenties he's done more than his fair share of listening and I've always thought of him as my rock.

Recently he keeps asking me to meet up with him when our kids are at school,to talk about our shared interest - music, not much else... a bit too frequently for my liking- I've got a lot on. I generally say yes because I'm trying to support him as he was made redundant a year ago, also possibly depressed.
A few weeks ago he asked me to drive him somewhere (medical appointment) and I ended up waiting in the hot car for 2 hours, and cried because I was in a lot of pain - shoulders/ migraine. I needed to get things done and I couldn't.
When he returned to the car I sobbed my guts out as I drove us back, almost hysterical. I told him that I'm not well, I'm highly stressed and even more stressed now that I couldn't get things done... he said sorry several times quietly but remained stunned by my outburst.

Later that evening I sent him a message to say I'm deeply sorry for my outburst, that I wasn't angry with him but with the situation etc. He said he understands and was sad to see me that way and if he can help just ask.

That was 3 weeks ago. I haven’t heard anything. I feel that I've apologised - should I be the one to contact him again? We normally speak everyday.
I feel that a true friend would actually drop a quick line to say ' no pressure, but are you ok?'

Am I missing something here?

Thanks

[FenellaFellorick]

I think you should let him get on with it tbh.

You've apologised. A friend would not be punishing you like this.

You have to be kind to yourself here.
Maybe he's sulking. Maybe he feels helpless. Maybe he just can't be bothered. Maybe he doesn't have the emotional energy due to his own problems. Who knows? But whatever it is. You can't do more than you've done.

[Icimoi]

I doubt that he's sulking, and sending him a PA message asking if he is could well be the death knell to any chances of your friendship continuing. He may have other things going on in his life - what, for instance, was the medical appointment about? He may feel that, after offering you so much support, your outburst was the last straw. I don't know what people suggested on your previous thread, but I would suggest that you try once more simply to ask if he's OK.

[monkeysaymoo]

I'm not sure sulking is the right word for it. Sounds like he possible has problems of his own too and maybe neither of you are in the position to support each other at the minute?

Possibly he feels awkward or embarrassed by your outburst, sounded very intense.

[AuntyMag10]

You say he has been your rock through difficult times. Maybe the medical appointment was something he needed to lean on you for and you let him down? Who knows. Give him time he will get back to you when he's ready.

[fellowship33]

When someone explodes at you, it's obvious that they've been annoyed for a while. It's hard to take and I think it can derail a relationship, sadly. I would give it a couple of weeks and then ask if he wants to meet for coffee.

[woolymum]

i would say he has his own problems right now too.
honestly, if i had a friend who i was always helping with their problems all the time i would be tired and need time out when i was run down and crap.

[PickledSprout]

A two hour medical appointment? Perhaps he has had some bad news and was hoping for your support after being your rock for so long?

[woolymum]

i'd suggest a coffee and a light and breezy meeting next time and take it from their and take his lead.
it really wasn't his fault that he took so long if he was stuck in the doctors.

[woolymum]

and could you not have parked up and walked over to meet him so you were not trapped in the car?

[Mrsbobdylan]

Depends what you said during your outburst. You mention him asking to see you too much before your fall out so maybe he has sensed you've been getting fed up of too much contact or perhaps, in anger, you mentioned something about it in the car?

Also, he accepted your apology and said to let him know if you needed anything, maybe he's waiting for you to make the first move? Sounds like he's been a supportive friend in the past so I would get in touch and ask if he wants to meet up.

[PotteringAlong]

I don't think he's sulking; I think your outburst basically told him he was selfish to call on you as you've got too much on and can't cope with him and he's taken you at your word.

[Eltonjohnsflorist]

I think you should try and find out if there is anything going on in his life. Don't assume he's just sulking

[Waltermittythesequel]

He's been your rock for years, he had a two hour medical appointment, got back in the car and you were hysterical.

He's been asking you to meet too often for your liking?

He was made redundant, possibly depressed, said he was sorry after you screaming at him.

Said to let him know if you need anything...

And now you want to send him an arsey text?

Wow. Well, one of you is a shit friend.....

[Mrsbobdylan]

When someone explodes at you, it's obvious that they've been annoyed for a while

Y y to this-a close family member did this to me two years ago out of the blue. Lots of things were said that made it obvious she had resentment from years back. She did email a lukewarm apology but never directly addressed the breathtakingly awful things she said. It broke our close relationship.

[littlemslazybones]

So he has been your rock for 25 years and now he is sick and has been made redundant and he is lonely. And then you made him your emotional punch bag. Maybe you need to offer another apology that acknowledges all of that and not a 'sorry, but...'

[turningvioletviolet]

Blimey. Read your post back and have some insight. He's been your rock for years. There's something called a bit of give and take. Maybe he's fed up of doing all the giving and at the point he asks for some help you turn it all back to you and your problems again

I dont blame him for giving you the cold shoulder tbh. It's hardly sulking.

[FannyFanakapan]

dont just sit there waiting for an apology and playing the martyr - suggest you meet for a drink/coffee/movie - your treat - because you miss his company.

If he doesnt respond - leave it.

If he does, be HIS friend this time round. be there for him.

[goddessofsmallthings]

I don't understand why you sat in a hot car for 2 hours getting more and more stressed about all the things you could have been doing. Couldn't you have parked up and gone for a coffee/wander round shops or sat in the waiting room while your friend was being seen/treated?

It seems you used the time to work yourself up into a high state of resentment and when your friend returned to the car, no doubt expecting you to make some enquiry as to what had transpired for him, you let him have both barrels and followed through with hysterical ranting about your problems throughout the duration of the return journey.

I'm not surprised he was stunned - if you'd done that to me I would be more than a tad peed off by your performance and would be crossing you off my christmas list evaulating whether this long-standing relationship had run its course and, more especially, when your apology continued to make reference to your situation with no apparent concern for the wellbeing of anyone else.

IMO you were BU and still are if you expect him to continue dancing to your tune.

[SilverDragonfly1]

I'm afraid if I was the friend I would be backing off, wondering what on earth I'd done that was so bad and what else you might be secretly stewing over and suddenly explode about. I'd also worry that I was making you more ill with my needs and be unable to see any other way to respond than letting you get on with it alone.

If I then got your proposed text, I would take that as the friendship being over. I'm saying that as someone who tends to be other people's 'rock' and who finds it hard to ask for help myself. If someone responded the way you did when I had already swallowed my pride enough to ask for help, it would be extremely difficult for me to get past that.

[riveravon23]

I understand your original outburst and the reasons behind it. I understand your apology.

However, saying "are you sulking, if so I have misjudged our friendship?" appears as if you are making it all his fault. And I actually think I would be very upset and annoyed at that. All I can tell you is my POV and hearing the words would infuriate him...although I know that was not your intention.

[bananacarnival]

Thank you so much for all your replies. It helps me to see the other side instead of constantly feeling victimized.

To be clear, and I was trying to keep it brief in first post: I didn't scream at him, I had a horrendous melt down in the car where I cried uncontrollably and told him that all the things I needed to get done, I couldn't, because we were in Camden and I drove around for an hour trying to find somewhere to park, in addition to the hour it took me to drive to Camden plus the journey home. I couldn't get out of the car as constantly trying to dodge traffic wardens. I've never spent so long trying to find parking.His appointment was a massage to deal with a trapped nerve, nothing sinister. We were both late for school pick up.

If anyone is in medical dire straits it's me: I've suffered a brain haemorrhage, been investigated recently for further head related problems, referred to GP counsellor plus IAPT.

Years ago he did something similar. An upsetting situation regarding our kids, I posted on here and he was clearly in the wrong, but went completely silent and waited for me to eventually contact him.

[bananacarnival]

I think goddessofsmallthings has summed it up well here:

'It seems you used the time to work yourself up into a high state of resentment and when your friend returned to the car, no doubt expecting you to make some enquiry as to what had transpired for him, you let him have both barrels and followed through with hysterical ranting about your problems throughout the duration of the return journey. '

[CupidStuntSurvivor]

YABU. And a bad friend.

You were already becoming irritated by him before your outburst.

You don't say what exactly you said during your outburst so I assume it's quite bad. And he'd just come out of a medical appointment...General etiquette says you ask how it went, not have a go.

He accepted your apology and has said if you need anything, let him know. You haven't messaged him at all either. And he's the one who has reason to feel hurt.

Precisely how personal an outburst was it and how sufficiently did you apologise for what you said during the outburst?

And now you want to send an arsy message.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

He said he understood. He isn't sulking.

[Totality22]

What happened years ago with the kids?