Who is in the wrong here?

(18 Posts)
LimaMaria Fri 15-May-15 14:55:34

Friend moved out of houseshare this morning (we share with each other and a random guy who is not often here) after argument. Argument was over an incident between us that had been building for a while and she couldn't/wouldn't see my side of things (for context she was objectively "in the wrong" over this incident but wouldn't recognise this). I wasn't looking for anything special just wanted to get across my feelings to her and the hurt I felt as a result of her actions... I said I didn't see need for drama but that I would have to re-think things between us as she just couldn't even try to see where I was coming from (long-standing friendship). Stayed at boyfriend's last night to give me time to cool off.

Have just returned to the house to sleep it off as was up all night worrying and it looks like she and her brother are moving her things out! There is still a few more months left on the lease. Im not worried about the money as we have separate contracts with the LL. Just wondering whether I should have held my piece?? And also feel as if I have been made to be the aggressor/she is the victim by doing this, am I being unfair? I feel like she is doing this to punish me sad

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty Fri 15-May-15 15:00:02

It's difficult to say who was in the wrong or whether you should have pushed this without knowing more or seeing her perspective

Maybe she genuinely thought she wasn't "objectively in the wrong"? Maybe she thought you were hectoring her?

Penfold007 Fri 15-May-15 15:00:49

Your argument was serious enough for her to move out. You all have separate leases so she deals with the LL, you just carry on paying your rent.

Collaborate Fri 15-May-15 15:04:11

No one's in the wrong. You don't seem suited to living together. One of you has to move out. She's decided to be that one.

LimaMaria Fri 15-May-15 15:06:42

Thanks Closer. Yeah I understand that, I don't want to give to many details for fear of outing her (she is TTC with her bf so I know she does use this site). We are both professionals in our mid 20s and have been (very) close friends since uni days.

Essentially she broke my trust and lied to me a few times about who would be staying in the flat while I was away (she moved a close friend of hers in while I was away and didn't tell me). This is on top of existing issues when said friend used to stay here a lot (was going through a difficult time) and didn't once offer to contribute to rent or bills. I mentioned my difficulties with this at the time but nothing real was done about it. Went on for a few months, then I 'snapped' (but calmly) and asked how she would feel if I did something similar to her?

I feel like I have put myself out for her a lot since we have lived together whilst she essentially got what she wanted from the arrangement. And now following argument yest (I really tried hard not to make it personal or insulting, just factual, about my feelings and hurt) she has moved out. I feel torn between guilt and personally quite hurt.

LimaMaria Fri 15-May-15 15:08:29

True penfold and collaborate. I just (perhaps unfairly) feel like she has made herself into the victim in this situation, when I have been really putting myself out for her for a long time now

DontTurnAround Fri 15-May-15 15:11:26

Lima have you posted about this before but with slightly different details? If so then I'll reiterate what you were told then. Your friend was ripping the piss and completly out of order and it was about time you grew a back bone!

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty Fri 15-May-15 15:13:53

Sometimes your dearest best friends are not the right people to live with

LimaMaria Fri 15-May-15 15:18:40

Hi dont, no I am a name-changer (naice ham, pom bears, poo troll) but have never posted about this situation before.

Read a post on here a few weeks back which was very similar to mine although I think it involved a girl moving her boyfriend in? My situation is pretty different, involves a female friend being moved in who was between houses. Although I guess your right, piss has been taken out of me....

the issue here is about moving house though....

LimaMaria Fri 15-May-15 15:20:36

What im trying to say is that i feel ive been made into the bad guy here. do you think this is what is going on? or am i being unfair and harsh towards "friend"?

DontTurnAround Fri 15-May-15 15:25:04

ahhh ok, well by the sounds of it you'll be better off in the long term. Someone who is willing to lie to you and betray your trust is not a true friend and no matter what way it played out she will probably make herself out to be the victim. Let her carry on. She's probably hoping for some kind of 'please don't go sttttayyyyyyyy' drama so she can feel all high and mighty.

As my grannie would say 'let her hing as she grows'

LimaMaria Fri 15-May-15 15:32:24

Ta dont, yeah thats a good saying smile

I feel like she is still stubbornly trying to make out that she has been in the right this whole time and is taking the "high ground" by moving out. Wish I had never got myself in this situation in the first place but then again hindsight is a wonderful thing

I feel a bit sick as if I could somehow still be the one in the wrong actually? But need to move on....

DontTurnAround Fri 15-May-15 15:49:25

I genuinely don't think you are in the wrong smile not sure how much a t'internet strange saying that will help but hope it helps

Andylion Fri 15-May-15 15:56:50

Essentially she broke my trust and lied to me a few times about who would be staying in the flat while I was away (she moved a close friend of hers in while I was away and didn't tell me). This is on top of existing issues when said friend used to stay here a lot (was going through a difficult time) and didn't once offer to contribute to rent or bills. I mentioned my difficulties with this at the time but nothing real was done about it. Went on for a few months, then I 'snapped' (but calmly) and asked how she would feel if I did something similar to her?

She was in the wrong, YANBU.

fearandloathinginambridge Fri 15-May-15 16:07:19

This takes me back to my 20's when I was living in house shares and this kind of thing would go down all the time. It is a piss-take to bring in sofa surfers who don't contribute and who other housemates don't know well enough to trust etc.

Maybe you said things you regret or handled it in a way that doesn't sit comfortably with you now but, meh, that's life, you live and learn. What she did was certainly not right and if she's now got the hump because you called her on it, well, fuck her anyway.

It's always sad when a friendship ends like this but things will pick up. Don't be hard on yourself.

Beboldbestrong Fri 15-May-15 16:08:07

Don't be made to feel guilty, and don't make yourself feel guilty either.

YANBU!

Crap friend - move on. smile

LimaMaria Fri 15-May-15 16:16:26

Thanks everyone, yeah im starting to feel a bit better now! Friends and family in RL do think I have been used a bit but I wanted to ask an impartial group what they thought really, you lot have been great. just hurts when you feel let down by someone who you thought you could trust!! I was hoping that by calling her up on it she would at least apologise for how I was made to feel iykwim? Even if she didnt want to "lose face" by admitting that she had been out of order, I did think she would swallow her pride a bit and empathise with me a bit. You lie and you learn eh?!

LimaMaria Fri 15-May-15 16:17:43

ha that should have been you live and you learn! although i guess the opposite would work too ;) <repeats to self: must not be bitter> grin

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