Distant FIL Veto'ing our baby names!!!

(39 Posts)
Ellieben Tue 12-May-15 09:24:46

Very long story but I'll try to summarise in a nutshell. DH and are have been together for 7 years, married for 2 and expecting our first baby in 3 months, a boy. We lived in London for 5 years before buying a house in Oxfordshire where both his mother and stepfather live in addition to my parents. It made perfect sense and we are so happy here.

DH has a difficult relationship with his bio father who is very hard work frankly. He takes from DH and gives nothing. His mum and bio dad split when DH was 6mths and his stepfather has been an incredible father - a true example if ever there was one that step parents can be an incredible influence in a childs life and i adore him, as does DH.

Background: bio dad lives in london, never used to bother to see us. Only saw DH on occasion and when he did he moaned and caused him grief. He's never worked, choosing instead to try and become a famous musician. Drawback of this is that he has continually asked my DH for money (he owes us about £6,000 by my calculations). Didnt even RSVP to our wedding, didnt come and never so much as sent me a text afterwards. He has never visited us in Oxford. Of course when DH (rarely) sees him he is all sweetness and light. Aside from that, DH receives barrages of texts at all hours about how crap his life is etc etc which in the past used to make him worry a great deal but i suspect less so now.

I am expecting a boy and am having great difficulty choosing a name. The only 3 i liked (which DH mentioned to his bio father in a rare phone call last night) were absolute no no's because they were the names of people who have "shit on him" in his life. Only one of those names we were aware of (and it's hardly a rare name that only that person has) but the other two we hadnt heard of. DH panders to his behaviour and has said that we can't use them, despite them being definites two days ago. I am fuming. AIBU??

Only1scoop Tue 12-May-15 09:28:01

Yabu to even discuss names with him. Don't get into the discussion.

Name your baby whatever you like.

PattiODoors Tue 12-May-15 09:29:34

Tbh don't tell anyone your baby name list

Present baby, named, as fait accompli

But for now, I dunno. Make non commital hmm hmmmm noises at your husband wrt the now-vetoed names and keep them in your lexicon anyway

BlueBananas Tue 12-May-15 09:30:35

We didn't really need all that information tbh, despite the relationship you have with them, nobody but you and your DH has the right to 'veto' names
Just stop discussing with him

Ellieben Tue 12-May-15 09:31:37

Thanks scoop. This was my feeling. He said "i cant believe you would consider calling your baby Jacob when you know about my Jacob and how he ruined my career. I've always told you everything about him and i still talk about it now. It's not even a common name" words to that effect. I've changed the name but it is a similar name which isn't massively popular but not unheard of, iyswim

duckbilled Tue 12-May-15 09:33:45

Never discuss potential baby names with anyone until your baby has arrived and you have decided.

Ellieben Tue 12-May-15 09:33:47

BlueBananas, thanks for your msg - i appreciate that but i feel it is v relevant as he is the crappest father imaginable. Awful as it is to admit, if his mum and step dad had similar strong feelings about a name i would not use it. Just being honest here.

rumbelina Tue 12-May-15 09:33:52

The problem isn't your FIL - you can just ignore him. The problem is if your DH is going along with it, as you say. No advice other than to tell him (your DH) to get a grip.

DoJo Tue 12-May-15 09:36:43

I agree with Rumbelina - your FIL can have whatever half-cocked ideas he wants about names and how you should bow to his wishes, but it's only a problem if your husband goes along with it. No amount of capitulating will make his father the loving dad he wants him to be, so he would do better to remember that you are the one who really has his back and concentrate on your feelings on the matter rather than some nob-head who thinks the world revolves around him and happens to be related to him.

maras2 Tue 12-May-15 09:37:46

Cheeky sod.None of his business.Your DH needs to cop on and tell his oddball dad to but out.Congrats on forthcoming baby.

Ellieben Tue 12-May-15 09:41:52

Couldn't agree more (thanks everyone) - DH tells me he has received 2 msgs this morning from his dad and sounds like he is upset about it, talking about how it has "brought back loads of memories" of the bloke who apparently stitched up his 'career'. Now if we do choose that name it feels tainted.

GloriousGoosebumps Tue 12-May-15 09:42:20

You obviously haven't listened to the wisdom of Mumsnet which is never to tell anyone the names you are considering but merely to announce the name once baby is born as people are generally too polite to criticise the name once it's official. I wouldn't choose a name simply to annoy bio FIL but I'd be damned if I'd be denied my favourite name simply to pacify someone to takes so little interest in my family. After all what's he going to do? Cut you off? He won't be able to borrow money if he does that! As for DH pandering to his behaviour, he needs to man up and if he cant man up, tell him to tell bio FIL that it was your decision - that way he can hide behind your skirts.grin

Only1scoop Tue 12-May-15 09:42:40

Blimey his dads sound like a right drama lama

ClumsyNinja Tue 12-May-15 09:45:04

Your DH needs to give up on seeking approval from his useless dad and appreciate the rest of his family that love him unconditionally. Clearly, 'Useless dad' isn't going to win 'Father of the Year' award anytime soon and doesn't deserve the attention.

Personally, I'd insist on choosing the name that pisses off FIL the most just to stick two fingers up at the old bugger. But I'm not really suggesting you do that.

As others have said, wait until it's a done deed and then inform everyone what the name is. (My lovely MiL disliked the name we chose for DS but it was done and it didn't affect the relationship.)

ItsADinosaur Tue 12-May-15 09:49:15

It's that old chestnut again, never discuss names with anyone! Someone will always have an opinion, regardless of who it is.

ApocalypseThen Tue 12-May-15 09:53:16

You chose to tell him some names. He expressed his opinion, but it is only an opinion, and what did you expect? If you want to use a name, use it. If you're looking for other people's opinion, tell them. Don't expect to tell people and not get any feedback though.

Also, the problem is your jellyfish husband, not his useless excuse for a father.

cozietoesie Tue 12-May-15 09:53:52

I'd be tempted to simply ignore him - but would using the name after all give you negative feelings about it because of all this stushie?

Gobbolinothewitchscat Tue 12-May-15 09:53:59

Oh just ignore his "father". Honestly, never discuss it again with him

Just present the baby with name once born. I doubt you'll be seeing much of the doting grandfather post birth anyway

GloriousGoosebumps Tue 12-May-15 09:54:15

Just seen that bio FIL has phoned twice today. I'm so cross on your behalf. I still say choose the name you want. You say you feel that the name is now tainted but once your baby is here the name will be his and will not be associated with the "Jacob" that ruined bio FILs life.

FiftyShadesOfSporn Tue 12-May-15 09:55:37

Has the step-father a nice name ? Cos I'd be very tempted to use it!!

Gingerandcocoa Tue 12-May-15 09:59:49

I wouldn't worry too much about it now. DH and I had slight disagreements about what to name our son, but after a 30 hour labour my husband was so in awe of me and maybe also sleep deprived that he said I could name DS whatever I wanted. grin

Ellieben Tue 12-May-15 10:04:00

Haha fifty shades unfortunately not but i LOVE the suggestion!!!!

Ellieben Tue 12-May-15 10:04:47

Ginger that is hilarious!!

gabsdot45 Tue 12-May-15 10:04:52

This is why you shouldn't discuss baby names before baby is born. After the baby is here and you've named him Boris or Hector or nigel whatever people will just always say, it's lovely.

WeirdCatLady Tue 12-May-15 10:05:35

Jeez, he sounds like a twat.

Ignore him and chose whatever names you like.

Though I second the idea of popping the step father's name in the mix wink

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