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AIBU?

To 'confront' my sister with no evidence other than a hunch?

20 replies

WhinersAreWeners · 05/05/2015 18:22

Ok. Abit of back story so as not to dripfeed. SIL (husbands sis) lived overseas, as in 11 hour flight, until recently. She and her DH have just moved back over here. Until then they had never met DS2 (3yo). We used to get on great with them in uni days but drifted apart when they moved away to the point of bare contact a few times a year. They've never shown any interest in Our DCs which my family find odd and think that means they're awful. We (DH and I) would obviously rather they were interested but still like them etc.

My sister is awesome. Seriously amazing. Helps us so much with our DC- hers are fully grown now. And is just generally an amazing support in our lives. We spend a lot of time with her as do our kids.

Since SIL and BIL have moved back we have started to see them. They are DHs only family and they're lovely, we all get on etc. One of the reasons they moved back was to be closer to us. We knew my sister would struggle with this as SIL and my sister don't get on- totally different people, personality clash etc. and my sister does struggle with jealously in terms of people spending time with our DC- she's quite insecure.

Now all this would be fine and we would just (as we have been) make sure my sisters time with us and kids isn't altered on account of SIL as my sister has always been there for us and is fab but not pander to her and pretend SIL doesn't exist iyswim?

But. At the weekend my sister looked after our 3yo ds and when I returned she said lots of things that ds had allegedly said about SIL (nothing nasty- the opposite) in front of ds. Made a huge song and dance about it and made ds feel terrible. The problem is I just do not believe that ds has said any of it! It's stuff he couldn't even think let alone articulate. Now ds feels sad that he's upset my sister and she thinks he likes SIL more!!! But I know my ds. He will not have said the things she said he did, it is I'm sure just her way of getting her insecurities out there. But it's putting my little ds in an awful position. And the amount of info she's gotten out of him about what he's done with them- she must have literally quizzed him the whole time we were gone as he is not a big talker about stuff he's done and she literally knew every detail. When we took him home he said she's asked him too many questions!

Should I say something? If so what? Or just let it go? I have no proof!

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Wibblypiglikesbananas · 05/05/2015 18:25

Your sister doesn't sound as great an asset to your lives as you seem to be making out. What a horrible thing to do - manipulating a child like that and then making him feel bad.

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monkeysaymoo · 05/05/2015 18:26

No i wouldn't let it go she sounds unhinged!

Your poor ds - she needs to get a grip!

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AuntyMag10 · 05/05/2015 18:29

Your sister sounds awful tbh. She has grown children herself and behaving possessively over your sil time with them. Seems like she has set out to cause a problem between you all.
Actually I would be very angry dragging your ds into this.

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WorraLiberty · 05/05/2015 18:31

Your sister could do a lot of damage to your child with this sort of thing.

She needs to sort out her own insecurities, instead of dragging your child into it.

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FishWithABicycle · 05/05/2015 18:39

I wouldn't be giving this sister unsupervised time with a child if that's how she behaves. Quizzing the poor child like that is not the way a responsible adult interacts with a young vulnerable person. you should let her know her actions were unacceptable and it is that reason alone that you'll be reducing the time she sees your DC.

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SoleSource · 05/05/2015 18:46

Your Sister is being childish and passive aggressive. Your poor DS. I'd tell her your thoughts on this but reassure her too.

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shewept · 05/05/2015 18:48

I don't see Dhs sister much, in fact we found out today that he doesn't actually know her surname. She got married and he has no idea whether she has changed her name or what her husband's name is. She got married 3 years ago. Confused.

However we do like them and are planning an overnight trip together later this year for 2 nights and other days out, in order to build on the friendly yet distant relationship we all have.

If my brother, got jealous and attempted what your sister has done I wouldn't let it go and would tell him it's not acceptable.

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EatShitDerek · 05/05/2015 18:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 05/05/2015 19:02

Blimey, how old is she?? she sounds like the 7/8yo playground bully who tells someone "you can't play with me again if you're her friend" and makes people choose between her and someone else.

I would not be trusting her, sorry. You must put your DS first whether this hurts your sis or not.

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MerynFuckingTrant · 05/05/2015 19:05

Your sister sounds very immature and selfish. Her behaviour shows that she cares more about her feelings than your sons.
If my sister behaved like that I'd tell her to stop being so ridiculous and if she couldn't see that was being ridiculous I'd not let her spend time with my children on her own.

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londonrach · 05/05/2015 19:11

Your sister sounds awful. She confusing a child!

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ApocalypseThen · 05/05/2015 19:41

It's dreadful, but if tread carefully here. There's enough plausible deniability when there's a three year old involved. I'd have a Very Concerned conversation about how all this came up, the minutiae of who said what and why, stress how out of character and peculiar all this is etc...

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feebeecat · 05/05/2015 20:11

My sister was 'awesome, amazing, helped with dc'. Right up to the point where I didn't necessarily agree with her, or questioned something she did, or someone else had an opinion. Not quite so much fun after that. And her grown up children were plan nasty to my teeny ones - which kind of made me question her yet again.
The day my sister put my dc in the middle of her shenanagins was also the day I decided she was not to be trusted with them again. No "sensible" adult does that to a small child. She just sounds jealous.

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WhinersAreWeners · 05/05/2015 20:17

I agree with you all, maybe not quite the severity of character assassination but generally I agree this is bad.

But my thoughts are similar to apocolypse when confronted she could just easily say ds offered up the info voulantarily etc. and I can't say she's lying as I have no proof. So I don't really want to go in with an accusatory hard line, but then what do I say?

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blankgaze · 05/05/2015 21:29

I wouldn't say anything at the moment, but I'd not let her look after your ds on her own from now on.

By all means include her in family stuff, just don't let her 'have' your ds 1to1 so she can't play any mindgames.

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Sounbelievablydull · 05/05/2015 21:42

Oh dear I feel sorry for her. She's really helped you out by the sounds of it.
Can't you just reassure her how much you all love her and appreciate all she has done for you?
Definitely not worth falling out over

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jacks11 · 05/05/2015 21:48

I would have serious concerns about your sister having too much unsupervised contact with your children at the moment- this is not the actions of a sensible, caring adult. It may be born out of her insecurities, but she is using your DS to address her own problems, and he is unhappy as a result.

They are your children, not hers, and your DC's are allowed to spend time with your DH's relatives. I wonder (and it is only "I wonder" not a definite) if she views her role as rather more than just a loving aunt? You need to deal with this, you cannot ignore it and hope it stops.

As to how you say it, you just have to say DS is upset and that although you're sure she didn't mean it, you are concerned about what has happened. Then after that, you don't leave her alone with him for long periods until you think she's more resigned to your DC's having other members of their family in their lives.

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Bodyinpyjamas10 · 05/05/2015 21:52

I would gradually disengage so you see all your family with your kids in tow. Don't be leaving your kids with any of them. It's a far too intense op.

Cultivate friends with dcs your dcs ages.

Be friendly with them all but put your own kids and your little family unit first.

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poocatcherchampion · 05/05/2015 21:58

I the no I would just ask my sister if everything was ok because she was being totally weird about SIL. I don't think you need to confront and have a row, just make it clear that she is behaving oddly and it is not fair on you DS. And reinforce itif they have time alone together again.

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MeeWhoo · 06/05/2015 07:03

You may have no proof of the interrogation, but you say that she did recoint the whole "story" in front of DS, thus making him feel bad, so there is your opening line, because that wouldnt have been acceptable, even if hehad said the things she claims of his own accord.

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