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AIBU?

to want to name and shame my childs deadbeat Farther

18 replies

mummyonamission · 04/05/2015 20:24

Help me see sense I'm just seeing RED at the moment! Why are we not naming shaming fathers who abandon their children and refuse to pay child support?

We name and shame child abusers, people who break the law, benefit fraud etc all kind of moral and illegal crimes but fathers abandoning children and causing all sort of damage seems to be swept under carpet.

I want my child to grow up knowing that it is not okay for anyone to treat them like that, that there is worth more but society just seems to say nothing.

With so much social media, why aren't women naming and shaming these men?

My DS farther has had no contact for a number of years. He has no memory of his father. CMS finally do something and he has only paid ONE months maintenance in 9 years but he didn't pay last month and I have just found out he has now gone self employed and I am unlikely to get more that £5 a week. We have struggled, really really struggled. I work but we still use food banks sometimes and I am feeling like I just want to scream and tell everyone that what hes done is a form of child abuse. How can you buy new cars and go on holiday when your child is waiting at food banks and has never had a holiday. I find it difficult that someone can cause so much hurt to a child and they get away with it.

Why shouldn't I just set up a social media page, surely if I only state hard facts i'm not doing anything wrong? or am I?

OP posts:

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Hurr1cane · 04/05/2015 20:29

Because that's your child's life. No it isn't ok for them to be treated like that, but being that angry about it all and mouthing off even on the internet where they can see, will only make them feel more anger and resentment.

Focus on the good things they have.

fairgame · 04/05/2015 20:39

DS's Dad was similar. Went years without seeing or paying for him and repeatedly job hopped to play the system. I really wanted to what you are suggesting but decided against it. It will just make you look bitter and unhinged. No doubt all of his friends and family would have piled in blaming me and calling me names so i just forgot he ever existed, kept my dignity and got on with my life.

mummyonamission · 04/05/2015 20:47

yes! "Dignity" & "focusing on the good things". I like that thank you x

OP posts:

MyIronLung · 04/05/2015 20:55

Yep I know how you feel op, I feel the same. In the last 2 years I've had a grand total of £12 maintenence, and £2 of that was arrears (£2 out of much much more ). Ds 'father' hasn't seen him for over 2 1/2 yrs, he's 3.

I don't because as people have said, this is my DSs life and as angry and hurt I am for him, it's nothing compared to how he will feel when he's older and sees it.

ColdTeaAgain · 04/05/2015 20:59

Just keep telling yourself, he may have the cars and holidays but he has thrown away the best privilage he would of ever had, to be a part of his sons life.

Your boy is far better off with nothing from him at all than sporadic contact which would confuse and upset him.

I think it would be better for you to just accept he isn't going to pay, it sounds like it causes you more stress than its worth for the small amount you can get from him.

ShrodingersCatWantsRevenge · 04/05/2015 21:10

Yes coldtea my DSs father got the cars, holidays, free time, lie-ins and disposable income (all that good stuff ).
I got scrimping and saving, shopping in aldi/lidl to make my money go further, no free time/lie-ins and a gorgous little boy that snuggles up and tells me I'm his best friend, thinks nothing of stopping whatever he's doing to cuddle me for no reason and generally makes me very very happy.

I think I win

SycamoreMum · 04/05/2015 21:13

If I could I would name and shame him if I knew it would do anything. After all I put up with from him and what he's left me in now I would gladly handle the consequences.

Charis1 · 04/05/2015 21:15

I've never understood these threads.

It is your child, you chose to have him, you can provide for him

Who cares what the absent father is up to, it couldn't matter less.

You have won the jackpot, you are the one with the lovely DC. What are you so angry about?

sorry, just don't get it. I'd rather have Dc and be on the breadline ( which I have been for most of the last 10 years)

MyIronLung · 04/05/2015 21:33

Because charis some people (myself included) sometimes need to vent/not feel so alone/rage against something that's not only completely unfair to me but also my child.
My ex also chose to have our ds not that it made any difference.

Starlightbright1 · 04/05/2015 21:33

I do understand these threads...It is the same as the media talk about fathers wanting contact and the woman denying it.. While I don't deny this doesn't happen..He couldn't be arsed to get up to see his DC doesn't make a news story..

The fact there is an agency that gets over a million cases of NRP not paying suggests somewhere something is very wrong

As for your own circumstances.. I get £5 a week from Ex and he doesn't see DS. I take pride in the fact I have raised my DS emotionally, physically and financially myself..

BoneyBackJefferson · 04/05/2015 21:51

"It is the same as the media talk about fathers wanting contact and the woman denying it"

and

"He couldn't be arsed to get up to see his DC doesn't make a news story"

Are two different things.

OP, yes absent (NRP) parents should be made to pay, but if you start naming and shaming where will it end?

Charis1 · 04/05/2015 21:51

well, I'm not going to argue with you about it, but really, who gives a stuff, really, who gives a stuff?

You have the most precious thing in the world.

Money makes very little difference to quality of family life, and it is so much better for DC to see you working and providing for them than yelling and carping and cat fighting to make someone else reluctantly give it you.

ginmakesitallok · 04/05/2015 21:53

I had no contact with my father from the age of 2. If my mum had named and shamed it would have just hurt my brother and I more. Instead she put her efforts into being the best parent she could be, bringing me up to be a strong independent woman. She didn't waste any energy on him.

fiveacres · 04/05/2015 21:54

Charis, I disagree, I'm sorry.

We should give a stuff. Men - and it usually is men - do not have, should not have, the option of walking away. They created those children, and they need to pay for them.

Sirzy · 04/05/2015 21:54

Personally I would rather focus my energy on DS than worry about his father. It is him who is missing out on watching an amazing little boy battle against the odds, he misses all the fun stuff and the cuddles.

corlan · 04/05/2015 22:13

I think the fuckers should be branded so that all decent people can shun them!
(Just found out that XP who only pays £7 a week to support DD is having a child with another poor unfortunate woman.Hope we don't have to split the £7 between us )

ollieplimsoles · 04/05/2015 22:28

Op, I am a child of a father like that. He went on holidays to 'find himself' leaving my mum for another woman when I was only 5 and my sibling was three. The only thing my mum ever told us was that sometimes mums and dads need to live apart. We still saw him a bit but then he moved abroad and contact with him dwindled.
My mum struggled on, never once mentioning what he had done, just trying to raise us the best she could. We didn't have much, but we had a fantastic childhood- lots of memories etc.
Over the years we came to realise ourselves that my dad was an idiot, when we got much older (in our 20's) we asked mum some questions about his conduct and she answered them honestly, but our opinion of him had already been formed based on our own observations...and it wasnt a good one.

Now he has lost us, not because my mum shamed him, but because we realised for ourselves that he was no good. It made my mum look so much stronger and better than him, these things have a way of coming back around and biting crap, deadbeat parents in the ass. Our mum has our undying love and respect, and he has nothing.

I bet its really tough, but I believe he will get his just desserts, in the meantime, try and hold your head up high for your DC. The greatest thing you can do is be there for them and give what little you have, it will pay off your way in the end. Let him have his holidays and cars now, they won't be worth anything later on when his child doesnt respect him. Take it from me xxx

Stressedout1980 · 04/05/2015 22:32

I feel where your coming from OP.

We (ex and I) had a child together who is now 10 years. He has chosen to not see her for the last 7 1/2 years (even before that it was once a year). I coped (by whatever means possible) with my dignity intact despite wanting to plaster his emails about not needing to pay anything as I received tax credits (I don't) nor see her as his father didn't see him all over facebook and twitter.

What some people forget is when they get to the age that they start asking why their father doesn't call, see them, buy them anything. That breaks my heart and makes me so angry. If he won't see her, he should at least pay the money into her bank account to give her a head start in life.

Vent on paper, send yourself an email if it helps.

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