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AIBU?

to be at the end of my tether with DH and his bloody 'career'

87 replies

pyrrhicvictories · 03/05/2015 11:55

DH and I have been married for five years, 2DCs.

I am currently a SAHM but will have to find work soon. DH works.

Since we married he has taken a 4 year course abroad, during some of which I lived with PILs and DC1 and worked to support him.

He finished study a year ago and returned to his old job. However he is not happy and is looking for other work. All fine with me.

The problem is that although he has had no luck since starting to look six months ago he is spending all his time and lots of money on the search.

He usually finishes work around 1pm but comes home for lunch and then goes out to work on his CV or network until 11pm. Any request for help at home is refused as he is too tired/busy/needs to work. He actually refused to buy some bananas last week from outside his work because it would affect his image at work.

He also makes a lot of demands on my time and gets shirty when I don't immediately comply or seem any less than totally psyched to be doing whatever mundane task he wants me to perform. They are usually translations, answering emails, LinkedIn etc. DCs' needs are not an excuse.

The icing on the cake is that I am desperate to travel to my home country this summer as a family. Money is tight though and I had almost accepted the idea that it might not happen.

DH turned round last night to let me know that he has to do a summer course in my home country at a cost of £4k. This apparently is essential for him to get his dream job. The course's benefit is not obviously apparent to me and I think there is something else putting employers off.

The cost of this course would wipe out our savings, eliminate any chance of DCs seeing my family this year and mean me and DCs camping out at PILs this summer.

I am really really angry about this but DH will not listen to sense. HIBU, right?

OP posts:
LowryFan · 03/05/2015 11:57

HIB incredibly U.

Wtf is this dream career? Unless he is working for the Satsuma Marketing Board I can't see how buying bananas would affect anyone's career!

ArabellaStrange · 03/05/2015 11:58

He is being unreasonable and then some.
I have no advice on how you tackle it though I am afraid.

BadgersArse · 03/05/2015 11:59

what career is it? Spending ten hours on a CV - you sure?

BadgersArse · 03/05/2015 12:04

i think he doesn't want to be in the marriage any more. He is voting with his feet.

LimeFizz · 03/05/2015 12:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hassled · 03/05/2015 12:05

"then goes out to work on his CV or network until 11pm." - that has to be bollocks. Is networking code for drinking with his mates? He's absolutely taking the piss - you're making a lot of sacrifices for no gain. And a summer course in another country that isn't either where you live now or even his home country makes no sense either - I can't begin to see how that could possibly be "essential".

pyrrhicvictories · 03/05/2015 12:08

Yes badger, I am sure. It is law. To be fair, it isn't just his CV. He also has been reading case law, doing work his boss asks for and preparing lectures as he also teaches at university. English is not his first language and so he does read quite slowly.

We are not in the UK, hence the unheard of 1pm finish.

OP posts:
PlanningMyFuture · 03/05/2015 12:08

Its your turn.

The bananas thing suggests to me that he doesn't have a proper handle on his life at all.

swimmerforlife · 03/05/2015 12:09

YANBU. Is he going for prime minister?

OP, are you absolutely sure that he is doing work?

claravine · 03/05/2015 12:11

Is it the new York bar? I have friends who did that, it was hard work and I don't think it really furthered their career in an obvious way

VixxFace · 03/05/2015 12:11

I thought other woman .

woowoo22 · 03/05/2015 12:12

You were apart for 4 years? Is that right?

BadgersArse · 03/05/2015 12:12

i would check his phone

i bet there is a woman involved

pyrrhicvictories · 03/05/2015 12:13

He is a prick but I don't think he is an unfaithful prick because he spends all weekends with us and has more or less stopped going out with his mates to focus on the job search. I have access to his phone and emails and bank accounts and he would be living with my family during the course.

OP posts:
Jackieharris · 03/05/2015 12:13

When you say finished do you mean the law degree or the lpc/bvc?

Law is hard to get into but he can buy some bananas!

Branleuse · 03/05/2015 12:14

dump him. wow. He has his head up his arse

RandomMess · 03/05/2015 12:15

YANBU

Redlocks28 · 03/05/2015 12:16

He wants to spend the rest of your savings on a course in your home country? Why can't you go back to your home country too? Why would you have to stay at your pils?

LoveWA · 03/05/2015 12:18

Doesn't sound like he's spending much time on his 'career' as you put it. Sounds like he's wasting a lot of time on his aspirations. And you're picking up the slack. Honestly, doing his cv and writing lectures takes 10 hours a day? Please..

StampysLoveGarden · 03/05/2015 12:19

You'd be better off without this albatross.

You serve all his needs and now he's preventing you from returning home to your own country. You sound really quite depleted, like there's not enough left in your own tank (after propping him up, and pandering to him for years). I'd go back to your own country and stay there and tell him to ''network'' all day.

MsPerfect · 03/05/2015 12:20

I agree with Planning. It's your time now.

He's had 5 years to sort his shit and still hasn't.

Sorry, but he does not sound like somebody I would risk "investing" 4k in.

I can be a horrible person though and if I was in your situation and he wasn't listening I'd be very frank and tell him that I didn't consider a course for him a worthy spend of £4k, as quite clearly over the past 5 years he has done nothing to prove that it will benefit him or you at all. It would probably hurt him quite a lot but no one in a relationship should get away with being so selfish and ignoring the other person when they try to discuss the issue.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 03/05/2015 12:20

This situation is so extreme I sort of hope this is a joke thread. What exactly does this man bring to your relationship? Wouldn't we all like someone to fund our studies, rear our children, pay for our lifestyle?! Why are you still together?

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DianeLockhart · 03/05/2015 12:21

He sounds very unrealistic.

I'm a lawyer and havent the faintest what could be wrong with buying bananas.

If he is good enough, it's not that hard to get into law. If he's not, it's unlikely to happen whatever he does. How long has he been trying to get into law and what has he actually been doing? what course does he now want to go on?!

Regardless, he is being very selfish and unreasonable by the sounds of it.

StampysLoveGarden · 03/05/2015 12:21

ps, i'm job hunting at the moment, but I fit that around a part time job and two children (and I'm a single parent). I just find the time to make three well-chosen applications every week. No luck yet, but I can't job hunt 24/7
As for networking?! That sounds a luxury. Networking sounds very pleasant compared with being cornered, looking after two children and now, being told that you can't visit your family.. YOu were probably hanging on for that one treat.

ltk · 03/05/2015 12:23

Get half the money into a separate account now, before he spends it all on hImeself. I also thought other woman, which explains him cutting out his friends, too.

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