To still be annoyed and hurt by friend

(41 Posts)
LayMeDown Thu 30-Apr-15 13:23:34

My dad died a few months ago. It was terribly unexpected and sudden.
All my good friends came to his funeral except one. I get on well with her. I see he about as often as I see most of my old school friends (probably a bit more so). Less than we'd like but as much as we can mange with life, kids, jobs etc. I should say that in the past she has had very bad MH issues and I have always tried to be supportive. She is through the worst and although she still has bad patches she is a lot better than she used to be.
She lives no more than a 20 min drive from where the funeral was. And most of my other friends live nearby. I know at least three of them would have collected her if she felt unable to drive. There is also a direct train that takes about 10-15 mins. She is SAHM so not that she could put get time off. One child in play school so would have been able to come after drop off and back in time. There is no real reason she couldn't have been there.
What hurt most rather than her absence was the lack of contact. Some more distant friends couldn't make it but rang or texted. I heard nothing from her before the funeral. Not a word. She definitely knew btw.
About a week later I got a card in the post, with condolences. Since then I have heard nothing else. It's been almost 5 months and today I got a text from her. Asking how I was, that she's thinking of me and can we meet up? She apologies for not being in contact but not for not being at the funeral.

AIBU to still be so hurt I don't want to reply to text. I am aware that the trauma of Dad's horrific death may be making my reactions disproportionate. It was somewhat cathartic to have someone to be angry with. Maybe she's done the most she's capable of?

riverboat1 Thu 30-Apr-15 13:30:23

I'm really sorry about your dad. All I can say is that my dad also died unexpectedly a few months ago, and I didn't really expect or even particularly want my own friends to come to the funeral (my very best friend excepted who was invaluable to me there). I had so much to do with looking after mum and spending time with all the extended family and family friends who had come from far away and who I see much less often than my own friends. I wouldn't have had a spare minute to actually spend with my own friends during the funeral, and since most of them they knew my dad only as my dad and not particularly well in their own right it would have felt a bit weird them just being there in the background.

Do you think your friend knew how much you wanted her to go to the funeral? A couple of my friends asked if I wanted them to go, and I honestly said no, but the rest of them didn't ask and it wouldn't occur to me to want them to apologise for not coming.

I'm not saying you're at all unreasonable to want her to have been there so much, just that maybe she's not aware of that as it's not necessarily the way everyone would think?

BartholomewCrouch Thu 30-Apr-15 13:31:00

I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad.

You know going to funerals of friends parents is not always a 'done' thing, its something some seem to do and others not, they send a card.

So, she may have thought she's done what is needed and be oblivious to the expectation that you had that she would come.

Or, she may have other things going on that meant she couldn't cope with a funeral and someones's else grief at that point.

Try not to dwell on it. make a friendly reply, maybe don't meet up just yet give yourself time, and over time see if the balance in the friendship restores and if you are able to rationalise and move on from this hurt.

Nolim Thu 30-Apr-15 13:31:15

I a sorry for your loss, will uou consider speaking with her before deciding she did not do her best as your friend?

Oobis Thu 30-Apr-15 13:33:06

So sorry to hear about your loss. I hope you're doing OK.

It's possible your friend wanted to be there but felt she couldn't cope with the situation. It's possible she was so embarassed that she put off making contact with you - the longer you leave these things, the harder they get.

She's contacted you. She's apologised. You're still hurting and have a lot on your plate. Be kind to yourself and don't reply if you're not ready. Whatever you do, be honest when you are in touch. Old friends are priceless, you have shared history. Even if you can't forgive her now, don't rule it out in the future. And take lots of care. I haven't figured out these icon things yet,but if I had, there would be coffee and flowers.

FragileBrittleStar Thu 30-Apr-15 13:34:51

sorry to hear about your dad.
I echo what others say though - i didn't expect my friends to go to my dads funeral as they didn't know him.
I think people have different approaches about what is the done thing - i know people who wouldn't send condolence cards to the children but only to the widow/widower for example- it is then difficult if you don't know the widow/widower

AuntyMag10 Thu 30-Apr-15 13:36:34

Yanbu, in your times of need people show you their worth. If she had an issue with coming to the funeral, a message of some sort explaining would have been the least she could do. For me, this would be enough to know that this friendship isn't what I thought it was and time to end it.
I couldn't imagine disappearing from a friend's life for 5 months when she went through something difficult.

TwoOddSocks Thu 30-Apr-15 13:40:29

I can definitely understand your feelings. I lost my dad very unexpectedly too after a short illness and I was surprised at how important support from friends and family was (I'm usually very independent and don't like to share things with anyone but my partner). It took a very long time before I was back to a "normalish" state emotionally too.

I would explain your feelings to her in a factual non-confrontational way. Just let her know that you were having a very difficult time and would have appreciated her support and have felt neglected. I think if she's a good friend she'll feel sorry and probably explain that she didn't realise it was important to you, felt you'd be better left in peace with family or she had xyz going on and felt unable to cope.

LayMeDown Thu 30-Apr-15 13:40:54

I don't know if this makes a difference but I'm in Ireland and here it is very much the done thing to attend the funeral of parents of friends. Especially when you would have known these parents growing up as she did.
There were several friends of mine there who I wasn't as close to and didn't occur to me would have been there including parents from DC school. There is no way she wouldn't have known it was the norm to attend.

SaucyJack Thu 30-Apr-15 13:41:24

Sorry about your dad.

But yes, YABU. My dad died suddenly last year as well. Friends sent condolences at the time, but then moved on and got on with their own lives I wouldn't expect any different tbh. His death didn't mean anything to them in all fairness.

Madlizzy Thu 30-Apr-15 13:41:30

I think it highly probable that she didn't think that she'd be able to cope with a funeral and kept away accordingly.

BartholomewCrouch Thu 30-Apr-15 13:49:15

Then just ask her - in a gentle non confrontational way- was there a reason she don't come?

This gives her a chance to explain if she was struggling herself at that time.

If she gets huffy/defensive/makes feeble excuses then just accept that you now know she is not someone who will be there for you in times of need and decided what foot you want the friendship to continue on.

You may decide, to be cordial and civil and just personally know the value of the friendship yourself, or you may decide to qieitly walk away, or you may decide to tell her how hurt you are and formally end it. That will depend on your personality and context.

BabyTuckoo Thu 30-Apr-15 13:49:40

Very sorry for your loss, LayMe Down. It's completely different if you are in Ireland. You always, absolutely, unless some catastrophe intervenes, go to a friend's parent's funeral - and there's no squeamish culture of 'not being able to cope with a funeral', as tends to get said on threads about English funeral culture. In Ireland, we've all been going to funerals regularly, for close relatives and distant acquaintances, since we were small children. Everyone goes. There's no need to wait to be invited, or to ask if you are welcome, or worry about the dress code. The entire town turns out, often for all of the three parts of the trad. Catholic funeral.

I've posted before about how my mother's childhood neighbours, all busy farmers, climbed out of their milking overalls and drove over 40 miles to my paternal grandfather's funeral, despite having met him only once almost 20 years earlier at my parents' wedding. That's the norm for here.

So it is a much bigger blow to the OP than the equivalent situation in England, where mourning is much more privatised.

In the circumstances, I don't blame you for being hurt, OP, but I would assume something else serious had been going on, because it would so unusual for a close friend not to come to a friend's father's funeral. Respond to the text and ask her directly when you meet?

BartholomewCrouch Thu 30-Apr-15 13:50:41

Has she had significant grief herself?

Often others grief triggers your own unresolved grief and is therefore is intolerable to be around.

TheIncredibleBookEatingManchot Thu 30-Apr-15 13:53:06

I'm sorry about your dad flowers.

I think people often don't know how to react to other people's grief. Your friend may have thought she would be intruding if she made contact beyond the condolences card, she might have thought you wanted time to grieve alone.

Or she could have been going through a bad patch with her mental health and not had the wherewithal to support you at the time, in which case it may have been for the best to keep her distance.

You won't know the reason unless you speak to her, and it's up to you to decide if you do.

VelvetRose Thu 30-Apr-15 13:56:12

I think if you feel this upset about it (which I can understand) I'd find an opportunity to talk to her about it. From what you've said she sounds like a good friend apart from this. Obviously this was a massive thing to happen in your life, it's hard to forgive someone who didn't support you at such s difficult time. However, she may be able to explain why she behaved like that and it might make you feel better.

JammyGeorge Thu 30-Apr-15 14:12:02

Hi, another who is so sorry for your loss. I've also been in the situation your friend was.

When I found out a good friends mum had died I immediately contacted her to offer my condolences, see if there's anything I could do etc. she told me when the funeral was and I was torn as I didn't know whether to go on not, I didn't know if it was expected iyswim. It turned out I had a regional meeting at work that day, I had only been in the job 3 months and really didn't feel comfortable asking for the time off.

So I apologised and said I couldn't make it, she was fine. Fast forward a couple of months to a night out, she got really upset and said that all her sisters friends were there fussing over her and none of us were bothered. I felt absolutely terrible and still do, I think it damaged our friendship permanently.

I look back now and wish I'd told work the situation and went to the funeral, I really do regret hurting and letting her down.

VelvetRose Thu 30-Apr-15 14:33:43

I had a similar experience Jammy. Years ago I didn't go to a funeral for a close family member of my exes (we were together then) because I was worried about asking for a day off -horrible boss/stressful job etc. Ex was actually fine about it but later it came out in arguments, she was really hurt. I'd never do that again. Maybe your friend feels regretful as well op.

C0rde1ia Thu 30-Apr-15 14:45:49

I'm trying to figure out what to do about a funeral tomorrow. my boss just says no no no all the time. And i'm job junting. Argh.

I missed a friend's dad's funeral about three years ago. My kids were 9 and 6. the church was accross the road and I did thnk about leaving them for an our. I didn't, they would have been fine and I regret it. I still think about that and how shabby that was of me.

LayMeDown Thu 30-Apr-15 14:48:47

YY BabyTuckoo that's what it's like in Ireland. Funerals are a big deal. It's not just your relationship to the deceased that dictates attendance but your relationship to the bereaved. It's seen as a sign of respect and support to attend. Before my Dad's funeral the last one I attended was of a (not extremely close) friends FIL.
To give a idea, it was not just our friends that were there, but mine and my siblings work collegues, all our in laws, our partners friends and work collegues, our aunts and uncles and cousins friends, in laws and work collegues. Acquaintances from my parents home town, my siblings and mine neighbours. This is all in addition to my parents friends, acquaintances, collegues, business contacts Etc....
I am fairly sure she did not feel strong enough to attend but in that case I think she should have phoned me or at least texted to explain. I have alway been very supportive and understanding if her MH issues. I would have been fine with that. Another very good friend couldn't come as she was away. The difference was she rang me when she realised the clash. She even tried to change her tickets. She apologised, but more importantly she was there for me in other ways. She called up to see me a couple of times. She rang me every few days for months after. It was the near total silence that hurt more.

Welshmaenad Thu 30-Apr-15 14:54:20

I had this exact situation after the death of my mum. Exact. It's almost spooky.

I had no real contact with friend for almost a year then her dh invited my children to their ds's party.

It was really good to see her. I'd missed her friendship. Without wanting to go into detail, she had been battling her own demons, she didn't mean to let me down.
I know exactly how you feel, how disappointed and let down and abandoned. I know. But please give her s chance, try to mend your friendship. Good friends are valuable, and you can move past this.

Fromparistoberlin73 Thu 30-Apr-15 15:00:20

I understand, and am so sorry for your loss

I think its very important to show support, except in her rather crap and self centred way she maybe thought she did.

I think you need to decide what you want to do, and if you are ready to talk and share your upset. I agree she probably did not have have the wherewithal to help. But thats really still shit for you

jammy- thanks for sharing- had a similar here with a friend who is siffering from cancer and feels like another has lket her down. Hope its fixable

thankngod i sent flowers to my friend who's granny died yesterday-phew

PeppermintCrayon Thu 30-Apr-15 15:06:44

You don't know why she didn't go though. I don't think you can judge without the full story.

Did you actually say: please come, it means a lot?

LayMeDown Thu 30-Apr-15 15:15:51

Peppermint No I don't know. But that's because she didn't tell me. Equally I didn't ask her specifically to come because it never occurred to me I needed to. It's totally the norm here to go to a good friends parents funeral. I assumed shed be there. All our other friends were.

fukkigucci Thu 30-Apr-15 15:27:11

When my mum died, I was so upset at friends that didn't make the effort to come. There were some that didn't even contact me to give me condolences.
With some distance, I think people didn't know how to react. My mother was only in her 50's, and really one of the first of my peer groups parents to pass away. But still, make the effort. I felt that however awkward it was for them, I was the one that was suffering the loss.
So yes, you're justified in being hurt and upset. And there are people that I haven't spoken to since and never really will again. The relationships could never be repaired.

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