AIBU to think he's a bit controlling or is he BR saying I am too self centred?

(89 Posts)
SilentService Wed 29-Apr-15 21:10:54

AIBU to think he’s a controlling ARSE....

Been dating New Man for a year, it’s not always been easy but mostly great. I think I’m now at limit and need to end it.


- In conversation NM will say ‘x happened to me todayl’….I’ll often respond, after hearing the problem/his story , with ‘oh god, how awfuI/funny/brilliant I know that feeling it was like when xyz happened to me/my friend/my Co worker’ in attempt to empathise and acknowledge , NM responds ‘are you competing with me?’.

- At a party NM went out to get a drink from the kitchen and came back in mid way thru mutual friend recounting a story, and talked over friend, I gently said ‘shhh friend is talking, he’ll be finished in a mo’, NM gave me silent treatment for rest of eve for ‘dismissing’ him but gave no explanation of his silence until the next day, just walked back to mine in silence and went to bed without a word to me.

- I have annual trip away with friends coming up . NM wanted to come along + his DS. Six months ago I said ‘the more the merrier’ envisaging NM would camp alongside the families (inc. mine) going. No, NM wanted to be included as a part of my party but has never taken his DS camping before. I am in routine of camping regularly with my DC and so would be in own tent and so forth (and no room in tent for NM + his DS) NM said this means I am rejecting him as don’t want to share a tent with him/be close to him. I don’t want to feel responsible for NM and his DS all weekend, my own DC are quite enough to keep me occupied. NM now saying I clearly didn’t want him there so am rejecting him so I should never have indicated that it may be ok to come. He’s not coming along.

- On recent outing with NM his DS and my DC I mentioned the trip to my DC and got an earful “how do you think my DS felt hearing you talk about your trip he’s not invited on?” (isn’t it up to NM to arrange camping trips with his DS if he wishes, not make me feel like it’s up to me organise and arrange them?)

- Discussing poss joint trip with NM and all DC in the school summer hols, location picked out that is near where some friends of mine live. I said if we went to that location I might stop in with friends (friends who NM has said he’d not be interested in meeting) for lunch or overnight on way back, got “how could you do that to my DS – he’d see you going off on another holiday without him”.

- Due to DC custody arrangments seeing NM in the week usually means me going to his place, if I stay over I have to leave early to beat traffic in the morning. NM has a physically exhausting job and is a lark to my nightowl. Sometimes he goes to bed very early and I want to stay up so will say I will stay and chat/watch movie til he’s asleep then go home so as not to disturb his sleep or disrupt mine by leaving at 5.30am.There is also the issue that when NM has his DS 90% of the time DS comes into NM’s bed in middle of night and I feel awkward being there too. This is also being regarded as rejection of NM by me.

- NM is suspicious about me chatting to my friends over social media (Whatsapp/FB Messenger etc) as he’s convinced I’m just slagging him off to them.


Reading that back makes me go ‘red flags ahoy…run for hills’….but NM manages to make me feel like I am the unreasonable, uncaring heartless cow. Am I?

ollieplimsoles Wed 29-Apr-15 21:15:41

Did give this a good read OP and I don't want to tell you what to do in your relationship, but from this it sounds like you two just have totally different brains!
He seems high maintenance, you seem laid back...

flora717 Wed 29-Apr-15 21:20:28

You do appear mismatched. If it's hard work now ......

DoJo Wed 29-Apr-15 21:23:29

One of these issues on its own wouldn't be an issue, but the catalogue of them shows an inherent difference in the way you think. He believes that he is the centre of everything you do, from observing social norms to chatting to friends (presumably rarely about him realistically!) and that any slight issue is a deliberate attack. Whereas you are an adult with children who has plenty of other things going on in her life and could probably do without juvenile behaviour, sulking and stroppy silent treatment from someone who is supposed to be enhancing your life, not making it more difficult.

primarywannabe Wed 29-Apr-15 21:24:24

Its not so much red flags, you just don't seem to like each other! Jack it in!

Mrsstarlord Wed 29-Apr-15 21:24:46

Wow, theres a lot there.

First thing would annoy me if I were him, I know people like you and it always feels as though they aren't really listening - just waiting for their turn to talk about themselves.

Second, you sounded quite patronising in the way that you dealt with it, it would have annoyed me.

Third to Sixth, sounds like he is much more invested in the relationship than you.

Seventh - are you?

Not that it really matters, you don't sound overly keen on him so what are you getting out of it?

travailtotravel Wed 29-Apr-15 21:24:56

Oh god, that all sounds way to much like hard work. It's a no from me.

DoJo Wed 29-Apr-15 21:25:06

One of these issues on its own wouldn't be an issue, but the catalogue of them shows an inherent difference in the way you think. He believes that he is the centre of everything you do, from observing social norms to chatting to friends (presumably rarely about him realistically!) and that any slight issue is a deliberate attack. Whereas you are an adult with children who has plenty of other things going on in her life and could probably do without juvenile behaviour, sulking and stroppy silent treatment from someone who is supposed to be enhancing your life, not making it more difficult.

blue42 Wed 29-Apr-15 21:26:13

Agree with others, don;t see either of you necessarily at fault, just that you're not that well suited.

CalleighDoodle Wed 29-Apr-15 21:27:26

I agree i think you need to end this relationship. However i agree with tge first point. Good listening isnt changing the line of conversation to something that happened to you. The camping thing was bad communication. If id been invited camping by my nm who tegularly goes camping, after a yrar of a tel, id assume you meant together unless youd said otherwise.

But he sounds stroppy and heading towards controlling.

Osmiornica Wed 29-Apr-15 21:28:53

"but NM manages to make me feel like I am the unreasonable, uncaring heartless cow. Am I?"

says all you need to know really - anyone that makes you feel like that - whether it's true or not - isn't someone you should be with.

Tbh a few of those things would have annoyed me too - the first one in particular. I don't see it as empathising - it's just someone waiting until they can get their story in. Empathising would be discussing what they said not adding your own story and ignoring theirs.

ImperialBlether Wed 29-Apr-15 21:35:28

Yes, you're all right on point one, till she mentions that her boyfriend cuts into a conversation and starts talking about himself!

Mrsstarlord Wed 29-Apr-15 21:40:20

I read that as she was talking, he came into the room halfway through and just started a different conversation, i.e. didn't realise that they were talking and blundered in rather than deliberately interrupted to talk about himself.

Fairenuff Wed 29-Apr-15 21:42:04

Why do you call him 'new man' when you've been dating for a year confused

It sounds like 50/50. Sometimes he is rude/insensitive, sometimes you are. You should never shush a person though, that would annoy anyone.

debbriana Wed 29-Apr-15 21:43:42

Ok if I were him I would have finished it. I can't believe you shushed him in public. You never do that. It's very rude and I would have given you the silent treatment too.

In terms of camping and your relationship with his son,I think the two of you have a misunderstanding on how to do things. He sees you as someone who should be closer. Mother mother like to his ds. But because you have your own. You are not even considering this.

The way it comes across you are at different stages in the relationship. I would not be surprised if proposed or things about it but you don't sound ready to gel with the two of them.

Op, you sound very distant from the two of them. "Them and us"

ImperialBlether Wed 29-Apr-15 21:44:24

"At a party NM went out to get a drink from the kitchen and came back in mid way thru mutual friend recounting a story, and talked over friend, I gently said ‘shhh friend is talking, he’ll be finished in a mo’, NM gave me silent treatment for rest of eve for ‘dismissing’ him"

That was enough to make me go off him. What's wrong with saying, "Ooops sorry!" and shutting the fuck up?

OrlandoWoolf Wed 29-Apr-15 21:46:27

Have you both talked about this?

If you are going to stay together, these are the kind of things that need to be talked about as a couple - with the other person listening. Not arguing. Just trying to understand how the other person feels. If the conversation happens with the other one butting in, getting defensive etc etc - then that tells the other person that the person does not care about their feelings.

Communication and awareness of other people's feelings are vital to a relationship.

If that can't happen, then end it. Otherwise it will probably get worse.

debbriana Wed 29-Apr-15 21:48:33

Oh, I forgot about the first point you put forward. Now that is irritating if every time I come up with an issue and all you did is find something to out do it. Makes you sound like you are competing. I know someone like you and it drives me mad. Listen to their problem not try to think of a better comeback about what happened to so and so .

NickiFury Wed 29-Apr-15 21:51:06

He sounds like a total high maintenance pain in the arse! I am surprised that you've been told it's 50/50. It isn't. You sound like you're approaching the relationship very healthily, he sounds clingy and needy and is trying to guilt you constantly about HIS child.

Dump.

SilentService Wed 29-Apr-15 21:52:17

Really helpful responses thank you - helping me see his pov. FWIW I did not sush him publicly, friend was talking to a group.... NM (called that as he still seems new to me!) just didn't seem to realise and talked over him, I put hand on NMs knee and said quietly to him that he was talking over friend.

NickiFury Wed 29-Apr-15 21:53:41

Also he thinks you're slagging him off of you talk to your mates on social media? That is bizarre.

FarFromAnyRoad Wed 29-Apr-15 21:57:08

He sounds to me a bit over sensitive - as if he's always trying and mostly succeeding in finding something to be hurt or offended by. I'm not sure you could find a way of being that wouldn't in some way make him bristle. To me he doesn't sound like a keeper - not for you anyway. He'd surely be happier with a tiny little 'yes' woman who would never venture an opinion or share an experience. Ditch. Double ditch.

PtolemysNeedle Wed 29-Apr-15 22:04:25

You sound like you want different things out of this relationship, you aren't suited.

LorraineQuiche Wed 29-Apr-15 22:05:05

I agree with other posters, it sounds like you're a mismatch. It sounds to me like you would be more suited to someone easy going and a bit more independent flowers

TaliZorahVasNormandy Wed 29-Apr-15 22:07:45

He sounds like a sulky bastard.

I agree with Nicki, why are you responsible for the wellbeing of his child. Also what is with all the perceived rejections?

He sounds like a nightmare. Made me tired just ready your OP.

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