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AIBU?

AIBU to feel angry with my friend?

47 replies

Joolsy · 27/04/2015 13:34

Our DDs are both 11 and are starting to want to go out on their own. They see each other about once a month. Yesterday DD's friend & mum came over & the girls wanted to walk to our local park, 10 mins walk away. My DD has done this a couple of times recently to meet friends there. My friend however started saying, in front of both girls, "what if someone GRABS you and BUNDLES you into a car!" I said to her, if you're going to worry about things that will probably never happen, you'd never do anything. She then said "don't you worry that she may go out & you'll never see her again?" I replied, well no, I don't think like that! She was then questioning which of us was the bad parent! The girls did go, and apparently DDs friend was suspicious of practically everyone they saw. I'm really angry that my friend said all this infront of the girls. No wonder her DD is so untrusting of everyone. My DD is very sensible and knows that murderers/kidnappers etc are not lurking on every corner, but only because I've explained the risks involved. I feel like giving my friend a piece of my mind.

OP posts:

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BathshebaDarkstone · 27/04/2015 13:39

It depends where you live. I wouldn't let an 11-year-old out of my sight in London, but if you're in the country I'd only be concerned about her road sense.

Saltybutterandjam · 27/04/2015 13:42

YANBU.

I hate the attitude that the more protective you are, the better a parent you are. It's nobsense.

DoJo · 27/04/2015 13:43

I don't think there's much point being angry with her - it can't be much fun to have that level of anxiety about the world outside her home and she would probably prefer to be a bit more realistic. If anything, it might be more helpful to talk to her about her fears and explain why you would rather she didn't bring them up in front of your daughter. I can see why you're annoyed, but I think anger will be counter-productive in this situation.

Topseyt · 27/04/2015 13:44

She is rather over protective I would say. Is it her first and/or only child? I found loosening the reins hardest with my eldest, but was more used to it by the second and third.

Mine were allowed, with certain strict instructions, to do things like that by themselves at that age. I figured that they would soon be having to go into the village by themselves to get the bus to secondary school, so they had to learn. She should be trying to teach her some independence by that age, but it is hard sometimes.

I take it they are about to transfer to secondary school in September? She will have to appreciate that her daughter very likely won't want her mum walking her everywhere after that, no matter how hard she tries to keep it up.

It is a phase she and her daughter have to find their way through. There is no real right or wrong way, but I do get what you mean about having found it frustrating.

Feminine · 27/04/2015 13:44

bath Why does London concern you?

Feminine · 27/04/2015 13:45

*particularly

FlyingPirate · 27/04/2015 13:47

Arf at 'nobsense' I think I'll use that from now on.

I agree OP, children obviously need protection and to be made aware of dangers/risks but I think raising them to be paranoid and suspicious of everyone they meet isn't helpful

Theycallmemellowjello · 27/04/2015 13:48

I think you just have different parenting styles - I don't think either of you are right or wrong. 11 is an in between age and I don't think it's surprising that some 11 year olds are going to have more freedom than others. I think YANBU to be annoyed at her undermining your parenting in front of your child - it would be fair enough to have a word with your friend for that (not worth getting angry though IMO). But YABU if you're annoyed that she mentioned the possibility of abduction in front of your DD. I agree there's no point being super-paranoid about this - but it seems a bit paranoid in the other direction to insist that it's not a topic that is discussed in front of your child.

SunnyBaudelaire · 27/04/2015 13:48

I do not see that London is worse than anywhere else other than its vastness. IN fact in many ways it is safer than other places.
You should teach them that if anyone stops in a car and asks them something from a window then they take a step BACK not forward.
But honestly I think this mother sounds batty.

Theycallmemellowjello · 27/04/2015 13:51

And to add - your friend would be within her rights to be annoyed at you if you knew that she did not normally give permission to her DD to go to the park on her own but you still let the girls go. Maybe she reacted so strongly because she felt you were undermining her parenting decisions?

Theycallmemellowjello · 27/04/2015 13:52

And I'd feel much more comfortable letting a child that age out in London (where I live) than the countryside -- it's safer when there's lots of people around surely?

Higgle · 27/04/2015 13:56

I used to love being allowed to go on the bus to Stafford and have lunch at a greasy spoon with my friend when we were 11. I feel sad these sort of freedoms are no longer available for children that age.

NickyEds · 27/04/2015 13:57

London would scare me too. And I'm 35! It's because I'm from T'North.

I'd probably be upset that your friend turned a little trip to the park into a pissing contest about who is the better parent but as DoJo says it mustn't be nice to live with that level of anxiety.

It's weird because age has really changed my views on this. When I was young my two cousins and I crossed a busy main road to get a bus (45 minute trip) to her house where my aunty may or may not be in. If she wasn't home yet we'd sort of play around until she got home. We were 9 ish (still in primary)! It was never a problem. When my sister's kids were 10,11 and 12 I remember getting very nervous about them being on the street by themselves. My ds is only 16 months so still tiny but the idea of him walking to the park by himself at 10 makes me feel sick!

Of course you're in the right. Two 11 year olds are perfectly capable of a trip to the park. You're friend was in the wrong to criticise your attitude towards it but in all honesty I probably wouldn't say anything to her.

SunnyBaudelaire · 27/04/2015 13:58

I think they are higgle, most 11 year olds are starting to have some autonomy.

PutWittyUsernameHere · 27/04/2015 13:59

YANBU. She was scaremongering. Even if she wasn't comfortable with 11year olds going out by themselves, there are far better ways to speak to them about the dangers! If someone had said something like that to me at that age I'd have been terrified to leave the house with or without an adult. She may have felt that you undermined her, but that is no excuse to undermine your parenting in turn.

nancy75 · 27/04/2015 13:59

We eat children in London, very wise not to let them out of your sight here

SlightlyJaded · 27/04/2015 14:06

I am from, and still live in, London. Albeit a leafy west London suburb.

On Sunday, DD 10 and DS 9 walked ALONE to the park which is 5 mins away. They crossed 2 roads and a level crossing, played on swings and kicked a ball and came home on the dot of 11.30am as per my 20 minute allowance.

They KNOW they cannot talk to strangers and that if approached, they stick together and come home. They know this includes older/unknown children, people with cute pets etc

They are aware that there are Bad People.

We have had the conversation about kick, shout, bite run even if anything awful ever happened (they also know to do all of the above even if threatened not to make a noise).

They know. But we don't talk about it all the time.

There will always be danger but I think you have to weigh up the odds and do a risk assessment.. Otherwise we'd all never get on planes for fear of bombs or go out in a storm for fear of lightning.

teenagetantrums · 27/04/2015 14:06

I live in London, both my kids been going to park with friends and to local shop since they were 8/9, laughing at those that think London is less safe than anywhere else in country, its just a bit bigger than most places. Mine are now late teens and since the age of 11 have been busing it school and from the age of 13/14 taking trips alone to Camden market/central london on their free oysters. OP think your friend was BU, I know we all have different parenting styles, but if she didnt want her daughter to go alone she should have gone with them, not tried to scare them.

SnowyPiglet · 27/04/2015 14:09

Don't get angry with her, and don't give her a piece of your mind!! You are just different, that's all. Try to work it out a bit with her if your daughters are friends. Do they have mobile phones? If so, it's absolutely fine to let them go off together. And would 2 girls seriously be bundled into a car? Surely they wouldn't let things get that far.......they can scream, and bite, and kick, can't they? Also make sure the girls are concentrating on what's happening around them, eg not walking with headphones on listening to music, or mucking around. Try to talk a sense of perspective into the mum. Young people should be allowed to be responsible, that's how they gain confidence.

chrome100 · 27/04/2015 14:10

I think it's odd your 11 year olds have not yet been let out by themselves yet. They will be in secondary school soon.

newname12 · 27/04/2015 14:13

No in London all children under 18 are accompanied everywhere by an adult. As Nancy says, lone U18's are likely to be eaten.

London children being grabbed and bundled into cars is such a common occurrence it doesn't make the news, which is why you never hear of it. We just shrug and grab another off the street.

HappinessHappening · 27/04/2015 14:14

YANBU what a bloody stupid thing to say to two young girls

If she's not happy letting her daughter out that's fine, totally her choice but to scare them like that is just twatty

goodnessgraciousgouda · 27/04/2015 14:14

I don't think either of you are the better or worse parent.

Maybe she knows someone who lost a child.

Who are you to judge her? And who is she to judge you?

My parents had a close friend whose child was taken whilst they were on holiday. She was five minutes away. They never found the child again and it tore her apart.

It might not be something which happens to everybody (thank god) but it DOES happen.

I would consider you a bit of a dick to say anything to her tbh

workhouse · 27/04/2015 14:15

My 11 year old is going to have to get two buses to school in September, in North London. He will be fine.

SunnyBaudelaire · 27/04/2015 14:15

but that is how it is these days chrome.
I used to let my children out alone from about nine onwards in varying degrees but there were parents at their school that thought that this was shocking and reported us to the school.

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