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AIBU?

To be uncomfortable that my heterosexual friend is volunteering for lgbt kids charity?

453 replies

travellingbird · 25/04/2015 14:08

My friend has to be the most conscientious person. She is exceptionally engaged with social issues and currently works in a lefty cause (climate change). She told me she was about to start with a work-approved charity for LGBT young people in schools. The aim is to go into schools and address homophobia and gender stereotypes etc. She is hetero and cis. I'm gay, and she has been one of my closest friends even before I came out at 15. She has witnessed and supported me through my battles with homophobic parents. Our mutual best friend is also gay and identifies as agender.
She is well aware of her privilege (in a good way) and has aired her concerns about not being quite right for it, yet is proceeding.

So, am I unreasonable to be uncomfortable with her taking this role? Should I just be happy she is er, "helping us" and being a wonderful ally?

OP posts:
YouBetterWerk · 25/04/2015 14:10

What exactly is your problem with her doing it???

VikingVolva · 25/04/2015 14:10

Unless you think the charity is shit at recruiting/training volunteers, then leave them to get on with it.

Do you have the time available to be a volunteer yourself?

ilovesooty · 25/04/2015 14:11

I can't really see why you have a problem with this.

GothicRainbow · 25/04/2015 14:12

I don't quite understand your problem with her volunteering? If the charity is happy for her to help, then why can't you be happy for her too?

If she is as good a friend as you say then you should be supportive as she has been with you in the past.

travellingbird · 25/04/2015 14:12

Because she hasn't grown up as an lgbt teenager. She hasn't experienced that disprivilege and never will.

OP posts:
PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 25/04/2015 14:12

Why not.

A MW doesn't have to have a baby before becoming a MW

I think it's a good thing she is doing and have had 1st hand experience of helping friends through the process of coming out.

ilovesooty · 25/04/2015 14:13

And presumably the recruiters for the role were happy to take her on.

Heels99 · 25/04/2015 14:13

What "privilege"?
Why can't she do this volunteer work?
Can gay people not volunteer with heterosexual people either, can we only volunteer with people of our own sexuality?
You sound very harsh in your friend who sounds lovely and has been personally very supportive of you.
Stop being so judgemental and live and let live a bit more.

TiggyD · 25/04/2015 14:13

You want to stop your friend from helping young people who might be suffering in the same way you did when you were younger.

Can't see anything wrong with your position. Hmm

winewolfhowls · 25/04/2015 14:13

I dont see the problem. Its not like she will be required to mention her sexuality to students. People in this role will have training. Just because she hasnt personally gone through it doesn't mean she cant be a non judgemental ear to others or offer advice. You already said she had supported you.

I dont know what cis is.

Tiredemma · 25/04/2015 14:14

Whats the issue?

im not sure??

Its like saying you could only form a cancer support group if you had cancer yourself isnt it??/

Theycallmemellowjello · 25/04/2015 14:14

No yanbu for feeling like this. It sounds like she's intelligent enough to understand why it might be concerning to some (all allies have to grapple with the question of what is appropriate and not for them) so why not talk it through with her? You can find out her motivation and she can find out your position.

TiggyD · 25/04/2015 14:14

Cis equals not trans Wine.

BunnyLebowski · 25/04/2015 14:14

So following your ridiculous logic OP....

Only people who've had cancer can volunteer at hospices and cancer charities?

Only people who've been homeless can volunteer for Shelter?

Wise up.

ragged · 25/04/2015 14:15

So why aren't you volunteering instead?
I'm sure when they find themselves overflowing with high quality volunteers that they will kindly ask her to help a different group. Until then...

Catsize · 25/04/2015 14:15

I think yabvu. The best advocates of gay rights are often those who aren't.
Reminds me of when I aporoached the lgbt society at uni 20yrs ago, wanting to go on marches etc. But I told them I wasn't lgb or t so they said no.
I am now in a civil partnership.

Heels99 · 25/04/2015 14:15

People volunteer for Samaritans who have never been suicidal
People help cancer charities who have never had cancer
The nspcc help abused children but may not have been abused themselves
Not everyone at womens aid has been a victim of domestic violence
Not everyone at rape crisis has been raped
Get my drift?

Idontseeanydragons · 25/04/2015 14:15

She's been a supportive friend to you and she wants to give that same support and understanding to other young people. Aren't you proud of her?
YABU.
What privilege by the way?

Theycallmemellowjello · 25/04/2015 14:15

Btw you won't find this a sensitive forum for this kind of topic!

MishMooshAndMogwai · 25/04/2015 14:16

I hope you're not referring to being straight as a privilege....

Pointlessfan · 25/04/2015 14:16

What are you uncomfortable about exactly? It is possible to support something (an issue or a group of people) without being affected by it yourself. I would still speak out against racism for example even though I have never been a victim of it. That's probably not a very good example to explain what I mean but hopefully you get my point!
What are her doubts about it? Is it just nerves about starting something new or does she feel like she doesn't know enough to do it properly?

fluffymouse · 25/04/2015 14:16

Are heterosexual people not allowed to work against homophobia?

Would you feel the same about straight people going to gay pride?

I would have thought it is important to have support from the whole community.

SurlyCue · 25/04/2015 14:17

Because she hasn't grown up as an lgbt teenager. She hasn't experienced that disprivilege and never will.

Really? So anyone who helps out with a charity/cause has to have experienced that situation? Im pretty sure im not a cat but ive volunteered with cats protection. Do you think the cats resent my offers of assistance? Hmm

winewolfhowls · 25/04/2015 14:17

I dont get why being straight is a priviledge.

Im sure there are plenty of abused straight people whose lives didnt feel privileged.

I don't think your us and them attitude is nice or helps to dispel prejudice. People are people. Full stop

travellingbird · 25/04/2015 14:18

In exploring my discomfort, I am considering whether this is different to a white person going around giving talks on what it is like to be black. That is very different from giving care as a midwife or a cancer nurse.

OP posts:
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