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AIBU?

to feel slightly used and wonder whether to congratulate or ignore?

27 replies

slightlyHurtGodparent · 19/04/2015 23:10

DH and I are godparents to the 8yo son of a former colleague of DH's.

Since the boy's birth we have given him presents every birthday and Christmas; saw them frequently when we still lived in the same town; subsequently have seen them twice a year, organised months in advance every time to make sure the dates are locked in, as we no longer live in the same country; have also given the boy's younger sister birthday and Christmas presents every year. Attended both baptisms and gave appropriate (godparents-y and non-godparent-y) presents there. We send chatty emails and offer to skype every few months.

We absolutely don't begrudge any of this, they're lovely people and we are honoured to be the boy's godparents.

However, we do all the chasing. They never initiate contact with us, they never get the kids to say thankyou for anything, they don't respond to contact from us unless it's about logistics of meeting up, they have never taken us up on the offers to skype so we can be slightly more present in our godson's life. Godson and his little sister both know our names, but that's really about it.

Last year the boy's parents divorced, very amicably, so the wife could get together with someone else. The kids now effectively have 3 parents and it seems to be working out well for them all. Given that context, it's really hardly surprising that they have all been a bit busy in the last few years to bother saying anything like "Happy Christmas" or "Thankyou".

However when we met them all at the end of last year, we felt a bit sad that the new partner knew of us only as people who buy presents for the kids. New partner didn't know we were the boy's godparents or that DH was a colleague of ex-husband (who was there at the meeting too), and seemed to see us as some slightly useless people who have to be seen twice a year out of politeness. Ex-wife was mostly only talking to new partner, rather than the kids or us; and ex-husband was mostly dealing with kid logistics with a few distracted questions towards DH about work.

We now hear, via the social grapevine, that wife and new partner have got married. None of them told us - we understand that ex-husband may not feel like talking at all, and ex-wife and new partner have more to think about than us. We absolutely know it's not all about us, and this has been a tumultuous few years for them, but we now wonder are we just being intrusive? Should we back off entirely? It's really not clear what our role is. We'd like to be good godparents, but that really has to be mediated by the parents, who show absolutely no interest.

My instinct is to carry on as previously, as really all we can do as "good godparents" is to be stable (if remote) presences in their lives. The kids may show some interest when they're older. But I don't want to be intrusive.

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lougle · 19/04/2015 23:18

Godparents are only chosen because you have to have them to be christened, aren't they? (Sorry if I'm completely off-base; we do dedication, not christening, in our church).

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slightlyHurtGodparent · 19/04/2015 23:20

(Sorry - "wife" and "ex-wife" are the same person. She is now "wife for the second time" i guess. I'm just using "wife", "husband", and "new partner" because I can't think of a better way of describing them, not seeing them as only having identity in those particular roles) Confused

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maddening · 19/04/2015 23:20

The parents don't see your role as godparent as importantly as you do so take their lead and forget it - imo it is a relationship that should be facilitated by the parents and these parents are not facilitating so don't chase it - as friends you have drifted apart (despite your effort) and it is sad - it has been underlined by their no longer including you in their life events. I doubt the parents still go to church even, in which case your role as godparent really becomes irrelevant imo particularly as you are no longer close with the parents.

Go with "it was nice while it lasted but we have drifted apart" and save some cash where it is not appreciated.

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meandjulio · 19/04/2015 23:22

I would make sure I still had a record of the kids' birthday dates, and then would back right off to Christmas cards only. Unless you love the kids dearly, and it doesn't sound like it's been possible to make that relationship, really don't worry so much. It sounds as if you took it as far more of an honour than they meant it as.

If you felt like it, you could send them a final gift on their eighteenth birthdays (though if there's been a gap until then, cash would probably make most sense). Otherwise, don't worry about it.

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Aeroflotgirl · 19/04/2015 23:23

I most certainly would distance yourselves from them, don't bother with presents or try to arrange things, they don't sound bothered. It is fantastic you took your role very seriously, it does indeed seem that they only wanted Godparents fir the day, and the formalities, and did not see it as ongoing.

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slightlyHurtGodparent · 19/04/2015 23:24

As I'm only moderately familiar with the whole process*, I took at face value the suggestion that I should be present and a good influence in the boy's life until he reached adulthood. I thought that was the point of godparents, not just having the right number of people present at the ceremony!

*Anglicans seem happy with the idea of unbaptized godparents these days... and the priest did make the point that the idea was that we would be good general influences on the boy, rather than specifically giving him religious instruction, because [I quote] "godparents and parents don't have to share systems of belief or worship".

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maddening · 19/04/2015 23:25

Also - it is normal to choose friends who you are close to but also normal for friendships to drift - and if you don't play an important part in the child's life anymore that's fine - you aren't obligated to do so.

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SetTheWorldOnFire · 19/04/2015 23:26

You sound like you've been brilliant godparents under the circumstances. I think you've signed up as a permanent commitment and they've just had the children christened as it's a 'done thing' and they're not that bothered about the godparents being part of their lives forever.

I'd carry on sending presents at birthday and Christmas (for both children if this isn't causing hardship for you, as it's fairer if the sibling doesn't have such committed godparents), be there if the ex-husband wants your friendship, but apart from that step back a bit and stop arranging the meetings, if they're not reciprocating your interest.

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Aeroflotgirl · 19/04/2015 23:26

I totally agree with maddening.

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scarletforya · 19/04/2015 23:27

I think they must have a different understanding of what a Godparent is. They seem to think it's just someone to stand at the ceremony and recite words, whereas you've obviously understood it to be a very serious role in the child's life.

At this stage it's obvious they couldn't give a monkeys and are just going through the motions with you. I would definitely back off. Still and small presents to the child on his birthday and a sum of money on his twenty first. Then you're done.

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bluetinted · 19/04/2015 23:39

I am in the opposite position - wish Dd's godparents cared more! You sound lovely.

Imo the relationship is between godparents and child, not his parents. It sounds like the parents dropped the ball on this one, so perhaps that makes your commitment to the child even more important?

In your shoes I would think the parents are somewhere on a spectrum between very busy and very rude, and would be pretty pissed off with their behaviour. But the boy isn't to blame.

How old is he? Can you take him out sometimes on your own?

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Brandysnapper · 19/04/2015 23:40

My dcs' godfathers (two different ones) have shown absolutely no interest in them after the baptisms. Godmother is much better, but then she is my friend and women seem better at these things. You seem from what you've said to have done everything right.

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slightlyHurtGodparent · 19/04/2015 23:40

OK. I think still sending presents, but stepping back a bit on social engagements, particularly from wife+newpartner, probably makes sense.

Ironically, given all the unreciprocated effort, we're the only unreligious ones among all the (six) godparents of both kids. The (newly-extended) family all go to the same church every week and see all four other godparents there. We've never really worked out if this is actually why the parents don't reciprocate our friendship, though we did make it abundantly clear at the time that we were not religious but would take the role seriously - and the priest did make it clear both before, and during the service, that unreligious godparents were absolutely not a problem.

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slightlyHurtGodparent · 19/04/2015 23:43

bluetinted - I agree that the relationship should be with the boy rather than his parents - unfortunately the logistics make that impossible. He's 8, and lives on the other side of the world from us. We have no means of contacting him except via his parents, and don't really know him (or his little sister) well enough to take them out without parents being involved.

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bluetinted · 19/04/2015 23:51

Maybe keeping in touch with letters and offers to visit when it's feasible is the only way forward then ...so that perhaps if your godson needs you in the future he will be able to find you.

You sound like brilliant godparents and your Godson is very lucky!

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slightlyHurtGodparent · 19/04/2015 23:53

Oh Grr. Further conversation with the social grapevine source reveals that wife and newpartner actually came to our country for their honeymoon, quite close to where we live, and didn't tell us. It's not like it would have been a mistake or an oversight given where we live - and given that "oh i'd love to visit your country one day" was part of the conversation when we saw them 5 months ago! Sad

I think that definitely warrants stepping back from them!

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TheSweeper · 19/04/2015 23:53

What a sad tale. I think I'd keep in touch, but scale it right back, as previous posters have suggested.

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Momagain1 · 19/04/2015 23:55

Maintain the contact with cards and scaled back gifts, mailed via the dad, since that was your original connection.

You can't predict whether, in the end, it will have been a waste of effort, or something that has a positive effect. i bet the kids dont even know the other adults are their godparents, even though they see them often.

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LunacyPays · 19/04/2015 23:58

SlightlyHurt it sounds like you have been wonderful godparents. I have realised that people see the godparent thing very differently. I grew up with a fantastic godmother who has been a genuine fairy godmother to me - my parents chose well and she took the position very seriously. Both of my dc have the same godfather, a childhood friend of my DH. To be honest, he seems embarrassed by the whole thing, and after an initial flurry of birthday cards and presents has made it pretty clear that he really can't be bothered. I feel very hurt about that but have had to accept it for what it is.

I would send Birthday and Xmas cards and presents if you feel like it but let them take the lead on any further contact.

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shewept · 20/04/2015 07:15

Can I assume you met the wife through the husband. To me it sounds like she views you as get ex-husbands friends and not as her friends. Which is very sad, but sometimes in divorce that's what's happens. Friendship groups are split or some friendships fall through the cracks.

The fact that her new husband knows very little about you and she didn't visit you on honeymoon, says alot Imo.

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slightlyHurtGodparent · 20/04/2015 10:47

Yes - I guess we will now become the ex-husband's friends rather than wife's - which is a bit sad, because we've known her for nearly 15 years and she's been at every social event that ex-husband's been at, right from the beginning. So I actually know her better than her ex-husband. Or, thought I knew her, I spose. Sad

Thanks everyone for the advice. Flowers

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Caboodle · 20/04/2015 20:06

I have no further advice to offer but would like to say what a wonderful job you are and were doing as godparents. I could only wish my DCs had godparents as lovely as you.

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funkyfoam · 20/04/2015 20:24

Looking to the future your godson (and his sister) may build his own relationship with you as he gets older. Once he starts to use social media he can talk to you himself. My daughters chat on the internet to both their godparents now they are adults. We were rather more interested than you are being allowed to be, but one godparent lives on the other side of the world and has only seem my daughter four or five times and the other the far end.of the country. She likewise has only seen my daughter four times. However they have been great, maintaining an interest and keeping in touch. I think if you keep up some contact you may be able to be a part of their lives. (If that is what you want)

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nickelbarapasaurus · 20/04/2015 20:33

that is a sad story - especially that the new couple didn't even spend one day with you when they were in your country :(

I think that you need to keep sending the presents, as you have freely and willingly taken on the task of being godparent, and have taken it seriously.
I think that it makes sense to stop visiting (unless you're in the country anyway), because the parents don't seem to care that much about your friendship.

agree that you need to keep contact through the kids, because it's not their fault their parents have been a bit rude over this...

you can always send letters and photos about your country and life, too, so that the kids feel part of your life even though they don't see you. :)

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Momzilla82 · 20/04/2015 20:41

I don't know whether this is a good suggestion or not. But I once heard of someone who had multiple godchildren and she always sent them a gift and a note on her own birthday. That way it was a special thing to look forward to, and didn't get lost in the mass of birthday presents. Maybe that would be a good way to link it to you and remain a presence in their lives albeit low key.

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