DH and I are godparents to the 8yo son of a former colleague of DH's.
Since the boy's birth we have given him presents every birthday and Christmas; saw them frequently when we still lived in the same town; subsequently have seen them twice a year, organised months in advance every time to make sure the dates are locked in, as we no longer live in the same country; have also given the boy's younger sister birthday and Christmas presents every year. Attended both baptisms and gave appropriate (godparents-y and non-godparent-y) presents there. We send chatty emails and offer to skype every few months.
We absolutely don't begrudge any of this, they're lovely people and we are honoured to be the boy's godparents.
However, we do all the chasing. They never initiate contact with us, they never get the kids to say thankyou for anything, they don't respond to contact from us unless it's about logistics of meeting up, they have never taken us up on the offers to skype so we can be slightly more present in our godson's life. Godson and his little sister both know our names, but that's really about it.
Last year the boy's parents divorced, very amicably, so the wife could get together with someone else. The kids now effectively have 3 parents and it seems to be working out well for them all. Given that context, it's really hardly surprising that they have all been a bit busy in the last few years to bother saying anything like "Happy Christmas" or "Thankyou".
However when we met them all at the end of last year, we felt a bit sad that the new partner knew of us only as people who buy presents for the kids. New partner didn't know we were the boy's godparents or that DH was a colleague of ex-husband (who was there at the meeting too), and seemed to see us as some slightly useless people who have to be seen twice a year out of politeness. Ex-wife was mostly only talking to new partner, rather than the kids or us; and ex-husband was mostly dealing with kid logistics with a few distracted questions towards DH about work.
We now hear, via the social grapevine, that wife and new partner have got married. None of them told us - we understand that ex-husband may not feel like talking at all, and ex-wife and new partner have more to think about than us. We absolutely know it's not all about us, and this has been a tumultuous few years for them, but we now wonder are we just being intrusive? Should we back off entirely? It's really not clear what our role is. We'd like to be good godparents, but that really has to be mediated by the parents, who show absolutely no interest.
My instinct is to carry on as previously, as really all we can do as "good godparents" is to be stable (if remote) presences in their lives. The kids may show some interest when they're older. But I don't want to be intrusive.
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AIBU?
to feel slightly used and wonder whether to congratulate or ignore?
27 replies
slightlyHurtGodparent · 19/04/2015 23:10
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