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AIBU?

to feel so disheartened at the family court system

270 replies

currantbunsforeyes · 16/04/2015 19:22

Ex has been harassing me using the courts for years. He's had prohibited steps order placed on me by making up lies that I'm a flight risk, appealed decisions, etc.... This has gone on for years until I was awarded sole res due to his ongoing harassment.

Despite this he's still taking me to court for shared res. There was a stay (prevention order) to stop him for doing this for two years but now they are up I'm back in court. The judge has asked for new hearing and agreed to ex's request to leave out old judgements from bundle! WTF!!! The old judgements shows how his harassment and constant harassing using courts led to me ending up with sole res.

I feel like there is no point, no consistency. I've been doing this now for eight years. PS I'm generous with contact. Dcs have alternate weekends and mid week overnight stays with him.

Are the family law court system that messed up?

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IAmAShitHotLawyer · 16/04/2015 20:27

Is there any reason why you don't want him to have shared residency?

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FitzgeraldProtagonist · 16/04/2015 20:31

Maybe she - oooo at a wild stab in the dark - quite likes spending time with her children and is concerned about sharing residence with someone who cannot treat their mother with respect? Just guessing, like. Maybe she just has an axe to grind Hmm

Courage to the sticking place OP Flowers

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WorraLiberty · 16/04/2015 20:34

I think IAmAShitHotLawyer asked a good question really.

Not sure why it deserved a snarky reply Fitzgerald?

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IMurderedStampyLongnose · 16/04/2015 20:35

YANBU,my sympathies OP.It is very very difficult to see the logic behind many of the family courts decisions,certainly it doesn't seem as if they are in the best interests of the children.I hope you get sorted this time roundFlowers

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currantbunsforeyes · 16/04/2015 20:39

I am against it because he is very controlling.

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HeadDoctor · 16/04/2015 20:39

Your situation sounds terrible but your contact doesn't sound generous. It sounds like the standard.

In answer to your question, no, YANBU. It's a terrible system, too slow, too biased and not fit for purpose. My poor DH spent over a year proving that he was not a safeguarding risk as a result of malicious false allegations. His exW wasn't asked at any point to produce any evidence for her claims. The impact on the children has been and continues to be terrible. This was simply down to magistrates looking after the case so no consistency between hearings and no one willing to "take the bull by the horns" and making any sort of suitable judgement. The chairperson fell asleep at the final hearing - three times!

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TwoOddSocks · 16/04/2015 20:42

If he has been harassing her enough to have been prohibited explicitly by the court system it's more than understandable that she doesn't want shared res.

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Littlefluffyclouds81 · 16/04/2015 20:42

I feel your pain. My ex dragged me through 19 court hearings over 2.5 years. Thankfully the outcome was zero contact and he cannot make any further application to the court without prior approval which they are very unlikely to give. My case was really extreme though, it's shit that so many men can continue to harass their exes in this way. It's so much down to luck with regards to getting a decent solicitor/barrister/caffcass officer/judge.

My only advice is try your damnedest to get your caffcass officer on your side. What they say goes in court.

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FitzgeraldProtagonist · 16/04/2015 20:47

Snarky because we would all like to be pragmatic and unemotional and proportionate 100% of the time. Because sometimes being unreasoned and objective and applying the children's act to the letter is rather exhausting. Even when you have some legal experience. Because when you have been dragged back and forth through the courts as a litigant in person more times than you can bear and have seen the stress that proceedings place on you and your children (as despite what the family court think are in fact for the most part inextricably linked) you are fresh out of empathy for the "well he didn't abuse them-just me so I am totally relaxed about him being with them" position and just want someone to say "it must be so hard to have to go through that. Again." But this time in a state sanctioned fashion.

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currantbunsforeyes · 16/04/2015 20:48

little my situation sounds similar to yours. Even though ex was told he couldn't make further application to court there was, and always is, a time limit. Ex keeps slamming with applications each time. He also relies on inconsistencies with different judges, etc.

The court system allows him to do this. He enjoys it.

PS I wanted shared res in beginning till he demanded sole res saying I was a danger, etc. Its only when I was given sole res did he switch to shared res. Its a game to him. If he was awarded shared he'll demand to get sole again.

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FitzgeraldProtagonist · 16/04/2015 20:49

So again OP Flowers

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currantbunsforeyes · 16/04/2015 20:56

fitz your earlier post is EXACTLY how I feel. I'm tired of the 'well maybe you should consider shared res as he's such a good dad'... Yes, but he's abusive to me. He enjoys controlling me and having sympathies as the dad who tries so hard, despite my best efforts.
I would gladly agree to shared res if I felt it was in everyone's best interests. I have seen it work. It doesn't mean it works for me. This isn't about shared res. Its about my ex using the courts to repeatedly exhaust me.

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MustBeLoopy390 · 16/04/2015 21:02

It's hard OP, we have had so much stress and crap from my dd's bio father, we took him to court when she was 8mos to get some safe, good quality contact for her sake, and tbh I fully regret not allowing him to walk off and cut himself out. He was given unsupervised access despite positive drug results which then moved on to fortnightly weekends, where now at 6 years old my dd is picked up on a Friday by her father, dropped off at her nans until Sunday lunch time while he's 'too busy with his girlfriend and sd' in dd's words! I know so many genuinely good fathers who can't get contact because of obstructive mothers and it hacks me off that there are men out there playing the damn system Flowers I hope you get all this resolved

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bimandbam · 16/04/2015 21:03

Op you have my sympathy.

My ex used the court system to control me too. I was working so had to pay a proportion of my costs under the old legal aid system. He wasn't working so it was free to him.

He took me to court several times for contact despite having generous orders which I stuck to. This meant I found it more difficult to save up for a deposit for a rented.property so had to live at my mums for longer. Where he knew where I was.

The system is flawed.

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currantbunsforeyes · 16/04/2015 21:05

bimand is he still causing you problems now?

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FitzgeraldProtagonist · 16/04/2015 21:08

When you know and see the behaviour fallout after the half holiday stay, when you've mopped the tears because the alternate weekend falls after the holidays, when you are heart sore because your babies aren't with you and your house is empty, quiet and desolate and you know how unsettled they are by being shuttled about at an age where they are too young to even process what is happening. It is so heartbreakingly bloody awful sometimes and I can see how you would feel thoroughly ground down. But you pick yourself up and dust yourself down, fight the fight, hide it from the children, put them first and hold firm on your boundaries. Breathe and smile.

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FitzgeraldProtagonist · 16/04/2015 21:11

Bimandbam-stunningly ex is wholly funded through legal aid. I have to self rep. He is eligible because he doesn't work much and assaulted me so meets means and merits criteria. I digress. OP-been there. Still there. Have yourself a cry and a hug and then dig deep. Xx

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currantbunsforeyes · 16/04/2015 21:15

Dig deep... I don't know if I have anything left to mine. One reason that stops me from agreeing to him? The knowledge that he'd move on to something else, some other way to harrass me.

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FitzgeraldProtagonist · 16/04/2015 21:24

Inch and mile? Take and take until there is nothing left? It's 'revenge' for leaving you know. You shamed him by leaving. To his mind, this is his right and your comeuppence. Don't give it too him. Be kind to yourself. Also-if you have any money at all - family law cafe - unbundled family law services. Xx

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currantbunsforeyes · 16/04/2015 21:26

Thanks for advice Fitz

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Mummybabyboo · 16/04/2015 21:35

The family courts are actually helping certain parents use children against each other when they are meant to be preventing it.
My ex abused me for 5 years had evidence in GP records. Wanted me to have an abortion and tried to cause a miscarriage when I wouldn't. So I left!
The he took the cowards way out and played the victim card, saying I wouldn't let him see the baby if anyone asked about her. I told his parents the truth about their precious son and he went ballistic. Both him and his parents took me to court separately for alternate weekends trying to get both. I proved they that he didn't want her that he worked weekends and wouldn't even see her they ordered Sat to Sun alternate weekends for him but to come home if he worked. He never abided by that order a.d then sent me 92 emails in 10 months demanding more contact each and every single bank holiday, special occasion, Easter, xmas, school holiday, she was 2 year old and hadn't even started nursery. Threatening me with court and demanding 24 hrs responses. He even wrote a letter to the court telling them their order was wrong that he should have every weekend and even then it would be unfair as I had 5 days to his 2.
After the 10 months he took me to court again to get it increase to Fri to Sun and nothing he had done mattered. My DD started drawing sad self portraits saying she's never happy anymore, she told them she didn't want to go more but they didnt listen. We've had social services referrals, caf referals, family support workers and everyone e just says they can't do anything about him and to go back to court but the court doesn't care.
He can do what he wants and I'm just scapegoats as the problem.if i fight to protect my daughter.
He tells her I don't love her, fake cried in front of her when it's time for her to come home, regularly shows her animal corpses and scary movies to give her nightmares. Let's her sleep in bed with unrelated male child and encourages then to kiss and say they are getting married when they are older. He doesn't bath her or provide her clothes, she has worn the same pair of knickers for a whole week before and regular come home with sore privates. He tells her to scream and shout in my face. To be naughty and she will get a reward when she goes back. She eats chocolate for breakfast and takeaways every single day. He got a passport in her name without my knowledge and was going to take her out the country went to court 4 days before they were due to leave PRETENDING he had tried to contact me when he hadn't and asked for a without notice order to take her. Not only did they grant it but said he could keep her passport and I would have to ask him for it (more control)
It's horrifying that they are so concerned with there statistics and appearance that they can not possibly look biased against fathers that they are now in fact biased against children. My daughter goes through hell and is self harming at 6 years old but apparently it's all my fault. Daddy's are perfect mums are bitter and twisted!

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currantbunsforeyes · 16/04/2015 21:46

mummy its stories like this that people need to wake up to. Yes, I love the liberal nice family stories of people getting on oh so well and sharing children nicely so they grow up to be lovely citizens. But what if your ex is a nasty, manipulative person? What then? Well, the system is a perfect breeding ground for them.

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ArtichokeHeartsAppleCarts · 16/04/2015 21:47

YANBU. My sister's a family lawyer and knows both of the main judges well who work in our local family court-one is known for being strident and doesn't take any crap from anyone including eg the bloodthirsty bafoon like insanely expensive London barrister my exp instructed, whereas the other has a reputation for being a bit spineless. I got the spineless one at our main FDR like hearing and as a result DS got far less than he deserved in terms of financial provision and the proceedings were a joke-exp's barrister clowning around being an egotistical maniac throwing his weight about talking crap-it sickened me that money could buy this ridiculous fiasco which was tolerated and not stamped on in court in a case where a child had so clearly been cast aside when exp met his now wife and all agreed financial provision and most contact was suddenly withdrawn (inc school fees, overnight contact). Litigation felt like a stupid game, that I had no say in, and neither did DS, despite eeveryone supposedly being therecfor his best interests. I've no faith in the system after what I went through.

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currantbunsforeyes · 16/04/2015 21:55

All this has really helped. I was beginning to think I was at fault. I've been representing myself and wondered if that was it. But it was random when I had representation too.

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ArtichokeHeartsAppleCarts · 16/04/2015 21:58

mummybabyboo I've just read your post.
What a heartbreaking failure by the court to protect your child
FlowersFlowers

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