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AIBU?

Contact with Dad

29 replies

Tufftie · 31/03/2015 11:20

I'm not going into all the details, however the father of my 3 year old son was my teacher at a worked based learning centre a few years ago, he is being investigated for abuse of position of trust, I have organised and am paying in part for his supervised access with my son, however he has just been caught claiming carers allowance for me even though he wasn't caring for me and now is running out of money fast. He is also claiming a disability, however due to the fact that he is running out of money I think he is going go to court for unsupervised access to my son.

He is unable to chase after my 3 year old son, can hardly get up off of the floor. Up till now I have been reasonable and paid half of the fee for him to see my 3 year old son.

Do you think given the light of the situation the courts would force me to allow unsupervised contact when I do not think it is appropriate, dispite the social services trying to make me feel like I have no choice.

The father is a good talker and can BS everyone into believing what he wants over me, he used to bully me this way.

I will continue to contribute towards supervised and supported access, however due to father being caught committing benefit fraud is running out of money to contribute his side.

Your fews please

The social services are going to attempt through mediation to force me to allow unsupervised access despite the fact that it could put my son at risk. The father is unable to walk with my son holding his hand and is unable to play with him in a soft play area, so why on earth would they think it advisable for the father to have unsupported access to my child.

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WorraLiberty · 31/03/2015 11:28

That's very strange. Has no-one done a proper risk assessment or anything?

Putting all the fraud etc to one side, I wonder how other disabled people manage in this situation?

Is it possible one of his family members/friends could supervise him incase he's unable to cope?

seriouslypeedoff · 31/03/2015 11:47

When you say he is being investigated for a position of abuse, is that because of your relationship? Is that the reason he is only allowed supervised access?

seriouslypeedoff · 31/03/2015 11:52

I can't see him being refused access because of the benefit fraud. It also depends on the circumstances. Was he ever you carer? Of so how long was it between him/ you moving out and the fraud charges being brought. Is it full on fraud or failure to report a change in circumstances.

If there was only a few weeks between you splitting and he being caught. I can't see much happening at court.

Tufftie · 31/03/2015 12:04

He claimed carers allowance after nothe informing the GOV for 72 weeks...it amounts to just over 4 thousand. Yes he is being investigated for abuse of position of trust...I.e grooming, his disability appearilised after we split up and was removed from my property by police.

In relation to carers allowance his explanation to an extended party was, if the government kep paying me it after I moved out its their fault not mine.

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Tufftie · 31/03/2015 12:06

Also none of his family want anything to do with him, mine will not supervise access due to verbal abuse

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WorraLiberty · 31/03/2015 12:09

Ok but I think a family court will only be interested in whether he can safely look after his son, during unsupervised contact.

That's the main thing here really.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 31/03/2015 12:14

Family court will only be interested in safety. The benefit fraud issue is irrelevant. If he has a plan for contact that social services are happy with, there's a fair chance the court would accept it. Is there a friend/family member that could support and supervise contact that you and he would both trust?

Tufftie · 31/03/2015 12:18

Personally that is my concern here, before we split my so was left in his care while I ran him a bath, he was in a booster seat at the kitchen table, sat no further that a foot away from him, yet dad thought the computer was more important, my son fell back in the chair and ended up with mild concussion. Yet it seams he has managed to talk his way out of what happened here.

Also would the court allow a child to go into a heavy smokers house. I gave up smoking for my son. I tried when I was pregnant too, but he says he will never give up smoking after 40 years, the father is 29 years OLDER then me

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Tufftie · 31/03/2015 12:21

No we have got no mutual friends that would supervise contact due to his verbal aggression and he has tried to manipulate my mother too as she is 12 years younger then him. His family want nothing to do with him either

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WorraLiberty · 31/03/2015 12:29

Really though I think the court will see his age as just as irrelevant as the benefit fraud.

Presumably you knew he was older when you slept with him?

You might need to speak to a solicitor though if you can.

Tufftie · 31/03/2015 12:34

Yeah I knew he was older however the age gap is irrelevant that is being investigated by the CPS as he was my teacher, never the less.

My issue here is the harm that may come to my child.

While he is being supervised no harm will come to my child. My fear is if he is left alone with my child he will get hurt again.

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WorraLiberty · 31/03/2015 12:36

And that's what I think you need to focus on, because it will no doubt be the only relevant part to a family court.

Can you speak to a solicitor? Even to get a free introductory half an hour, if you can't afford to use one?

Tufftie · 31/03/2015 12:39

Won't he have to pay to change a court order, he has supervised access until November, can social services over ride the court? I believe they will try through mediation.

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WorraLiberty · 31/03/2015 12:42

I'm sorry, I have no idea.

seriouslypeedoff · 31/03/2015 12:48

So, why is it a position of trust issue. I am genuinely asking, I know he was you teacher but I thought work based learning centres were aimed at 18+ and that the position of trust rules were for under 18. I will accept that may not be true.

Or is that you are classed as a vulnerable person? Rather than age? The reason I am asking is that, that may impact whether he gets unsupervised access.

His age or benefit fraud will not.

seriouslypeedoff · 31/03/2015 12:48

Also if you child is 3, how come he is only been investigated now?

Tufftie · 31/03/2015 12:52

I was 17, it's a very long story that I don't wish to go into. It is now being investigated, I didn't believe I could do anything about it then.

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Tufftie · 31/03/2015 12:53

I am now a venerable adult and have been since I was 18

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seriouslypeedoff · 31/03/2015 12:54

I understand you not wanting to. Its just difficult to give an opinion as all these things may be taken into consideration, by a court.

Tufftie · 31/03/2015 13:04

X groomed me when I was 17, I then received a brain injury and he got into my head again when I was 1. he split up my marriage by telling me that he loved me and that no one would love me like he did, at the time I was very venerable, cutting a long story short at the time I did not have the capacity to understand what I was doing, fell pregnant with his child, he moved in, became my carer, refused to return to work dispite have carers paid for....he became abusive mentally and was removed from my home

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Tufftie · 31/03/2015 13:21

I do not believe he is capable of looking after my son on his own, therefore I have so far paid half towards supervised access so that he can see my son as it would not be fair on him to not see him. My concern is he is given unsupervised access and my.. child gets hurt due to his inability to put the child first, he never has, he talks a good talk but never follows it up, I am seriously worried that my child may come into harms way if left unsupervised with him

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seriouslypeedoff · 31/03/2015 13:36

If he groomed you and was removed from your home for being abusive. That is the route you need to follow. The benefit fraud and his age, is by the by really. Can all this be backed up by reports from the police?

Can i assume you finally found the strength to report him for your relationship at 17?

I think you need some legal advice. I wouldn't want my child around the man you describe at all. I understand you feel you son needs to see his father, but I wouldn't be helping facilitate that. Or is it if you don't you think he will go for shared custody?

seriouslypeedoff · 31/03/2015 13:37

Just to say I wasn't saying you should share the story. Its just difficult to give advice without the details. Hope you are ok.

Tufftie · 31/03/2015 13:46

I have been to the CPS about him, they have been investigating it since December 14.....They also have the computer, his boss gave a witness statement in my favour. However the social services in Cornwall don't see him as a threat! I don't want him to mess with my child's head likehe did mine. I will only allow supervised contact. He is incapable of putting anyone first apart from himself, he has paid nothing towards the keep of his son since he was removed in October 13, says alot doesn't it, he has already tried to use my son to get me back, he thinks if he gets custody he will get me back! He is 57 and I'm 26. He has used everything in his power to get me from the age of 17. I am worried for my son, he draws pictures of "young" naked women, he didn't want a boy he wanted a girl, he didn't care much for my son until he was removed from my home, then all of a sudden got an interest. The social services do not find this suspicious. I want to protect my son

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Tufftie · 31/03/2015 14:07

Am I ok, yeah I am now....With every stepping stone I only get stronger

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