to back off from a friend who made a pass at my recent ex

[opi]

Im newly out of an abusive and controlling long-term relationship. He left 2 months ago this weekend. Im proud of how Ive handeld it in this little village we both still live in, and Ive been helped by mnet when it came to handling his family. Been feeling ok, and have just today got a new job, so all good.

Thing is Im feeling very low about something that I found out happened on Mother's day. Well you can guess from the title.

A mututal friend of the ex and I, single, has been really supportive during my separation, she experienced a violent relationship and went through much of the same process to leave as I did. She sussed the abuse before I told her of it, and I opened up to her before and during the split. She's been a rock and a tonic. Me and the boys had Sunday luch with her and her boys, that sort of thing.

She is still friends with my ex, she has a male friend and they all catch up together occassionally. Anyway it had been fine by me that she was still friends with us both, why not? none of my business I feel. He'd been round for Sunday lunch.

My instinct was up about her softening towards my ex, saying little things in his defence that sort of thing. Just I noticed, not a problem.

The ex was going round on Mother's day to 'help her eat the roast that was too big for her and the kids' (her words). All sounded feasable. The ex and I are getting on well enough now that he shared with me that he went round and she was all dolled up, and when they were outside having a cigarette she snuggled up to him and tried to kiss him.

That's it really. He deflected the kiss to his cheek he says, and left and he shared that with me. I know him to be a drama queen, but even with the filter on I did see it happening (she let her hair be naturally curly for example when she told me the ex had said it looked better that way).

My friend has been in contact since, bought round a big bag of clothes and shoes (the next day and before the ex had told me) and has since texted saying for me to come over for coffee.

Ive just said im busy and kept it light. really Im gutted, I cant tell anyone because this is a village and I dont want this to be gossip but I really desperatley need to talk this through. Im very tired of thinking this over to myself. My friend is very lonely and very frustrated, I get the couple of beers and a rampant imagination thing. I feel very sorry for her cause she's been a bit of a tit.

BUT Im not supposed to know, although of couse she will realise Im sure that my distance means something. I dont want an enemy, I also do not want a meange a trois, even if it is mental and not physical.

AIBU to back right off? How do I tell her what that I need space?

tbh I spent years telling myself things werent so shite when they really were, and I wonder if Im not seeing this straight atall. I dont want to talk myself into taking shite again by letting it go, or is it not so bad?

Can you help me see it straight?

Any thougts appreciated even one word. Thank you x Opi

[FarFromAnyRoad]

Hmmmm......why would you take as gospel the word of a controlling and abusive ex?

[Welshmaenad]

Yeah? And he couldn't possibly be trying to drive a wedge between you and a source of support, so he can wheedle his way back in? Do you have DC together? If not you really don't need to be getting along with a manipulative abuser.

[GammaDelta]

i think its reasonable for you to be mad but this is all your ex's account of what happened. . He was around fine but did she really tried to kiss him? Do you trust your ex's account to that extent. perhaps it will be best for you if you try to be fair, non judgmental and try please try not to be affected by all of this... If you don't care or at least show that you don't care it will have a major impact on them both. . xx

[FuckingLiability]

Frankly, I would ignore anything he says and make your own decisions. It sounds like he's trying to isolate you.

I've experienced something similar - every time I made a friend, the ex would tell me that she'd made a pass at him at some point. It's classic controlling behaviour.

[DoJo]

I wouldn't take his word for it either - if you want to stay friends with her then you need to at least speak to her, see her, get a feel for her side of the story. The fact that she 'sussed' the abuse before you told her suggests that she is quite perceptive, which could be his worst nightmare if he was hoping to reconcile or maintain a semblance of control over you in the wake of your breakup. You definitely shouldn't make any decisions based solely on his say-so.

[GatoradeMeBitch]

Is it possible he's trying to make you jealous, or trying to isolate you from friends?

Of course from what you noticed yourself it doesn't sound great, but controlling abusive men do things like this. Is there a way you could broach it casually with her?

[dustarr73]

Hes your ex,it hurts but if you made a decision to finish the relationship.He can make a pass at who ever he likes.

Now saying that it mightnt be true
Do you have kids together if you dont you have no need to see him or speak to him.And if you do have kids maybe get a drop off/pick up point sorted with somebody else doing the drop offs.

[opi]

Thank you for your thoughts on this, and to confirm what was asked a couple of times, yes we have 2 ds's...have to admit I felt like a right mug and did not see the replies coming.

So obvious but I did not see through it! MAde me feel a bit unhinged tbh because it was so obvious.

Anyway, I have been back in touch with my friend and went round for a cuppa, but she was poorly and we just caught up briefly kept off the subject of my ex. She rang tonight, and whatever comes to light, our friendship is deffinitely intact.

As to the ex, he has threatened suicide, been 'too stressed' to collect some things off my drive but drove round every day to tell me and to burst into tears on the front path rearrange collection, and when he finally collected the stuff he tells me he (old familiar nasty angry face) has been in touch with the LEA to accuse my new boss of purgatory. (another story). That's all since Monday.

Admit to having let all of that past my defenses and to getting a tummy bug and feeling exhausting me this week. Did start another new job and have a lovely visit from long-distance friends so not all bad. Have had a good long chat with the lovley Domestic Abuse tlady who supports me today too about all the things above, can see all the ex's actions above for what they are. Shocks me how much he can confuse me still.

So a tardy thank you for a mnet shoulder shake. Did me good me lovelies - as although not cured I have seen the wood for the trees on this AIBU and have a renewed my strength for tomorrow.

xxOpi

[Jengnr]

Whilst I agree with the others why is she having him round for tea if she knows how he is?

Surely in these circumstances you pick a side?

[DisgraceToTheYChromosome]

The default position with these arseholes is the Paxman Test: "Why am I being lied to?"

Although I'm agog to find out what offence purgatory is

[DowntownFunk]

I'd not listen to a word your ex says. I'd also ask your friend to pick a side as he was abusive.

My friend many years ago lived with her violent and abusive partner. He banned her from seeing me, even to go to an exercise class. A night out or in was completely out of the question. If I phoned her he'd grab the phone and hang up. I more or less lost touch with my friend. After about a year I bumped into him in a nightclub. The exact conversation went like this:

Him: hi Downtown, long time no see
Me: is Jane here?
Him: no, we split up a couple of months back
Me: in that case, fuck off you arse

End of conversation.

I called "Jane's" mum to get back in touch. He'd already been in touch with her saying I'd tried it on with him that night in the club.

Nothing an abusive, controlling person has to say should ever be listened to.

[lunar1]

I see what everyone is saying but if she was a try friend why is she inviting your abusive ex round for dinner? I'd be questioning her motives too.

[MrsBigginsPieShop]

As a survivor of an abusive relationship, the first thing I see on looking back is that he cut off all my sources of support. I had no one else to turn to, except him.
I would be keeping your distance from your ex, not your friend. His account may be embellished at best. I know everyone is different, but why either you or your friend are giving a man who abused you more of your time than is absolutely necessary I can't understand. I appreciate the village situation and wanting to avoid gossip, but that's something he should be worried about, not you.

[MargotLovedTom]

I agree with Lunar1 and Downtown - if she knows what arsehole he is and what he put you through then why is she even giving him the time of day, never mind socialising with him?!

[ChoochiWhoo]

Im team pick a side too, maybe she is a bit desperate maybe he's lying, it'll bug you if you dont ask.

[dangerrabbit]

Yes I also agree. Why is she not taking sides Shen she knows he is abusive?!

Are you sure she is going round to his house tho? Maybe he's just lying about it to try and isolate you as others have said. Can you create distance with him?

[lordsquidgy2013]

OP, unless you talk to your friend about it you'll never know what is going on from her side.

From my perspective, it looks like your ex is using weaknesses and trust in your friend to create a scenario that he can use to drive a wedge between the two of you.

Classic controlling behaviour as has already been stated.

The more you talk about your ex, the more he sounds like a manchild. So put his actions into perspective, reduce him to the size of a two year old and look at his actions again. What do you see?. Would you take this kind of behaviour from a toddler? I think not.

[lunar1]

In addition to my last post, there is the potential for a friend to be controlling, manipulative and abusive as well.

Do you have a friend that you could trust to give you a different perspective in the situation? Someone who knows you all but doesn't have any biased opinion or vested interest in the outcome.

[partialderivative]

Many people saying that you have only heard his side of what happened.

That's true, and needs to be pointed out

However, that's virtually all we ever hear on MN! Posters often paint a terrible picture of their DP's (or others), but many people are happy to accept this regardless.

The OP's are then told to LTB without knowing anything other than what they have been told here.

It seems to me that many on here would make vile councillors.

[FruminariaBandersnatchiosum]

I too do not think this issue is as black and white as you think OP. I prescribe a period of quiet watchful waiting snooping to see who leaves who's house first thing in the morning, that sort of thing. I am a believer in seeing things with my own eyes and doing whatever I have to do to achieve that. You have to behave as if yo do not care in order to get facts. It's the only way to really know the answer. I do not think either of these people are your friend OP and would probably detach gently from both. I don't think you should be making big decisions on the evidence you have at present.