What do I do about this

[glittertree]

just wondered if anyone could tell me what would be the best way to handle this .I won't go into too much detail but yesterday me and my son were having a bit of a discussion that got heated to which he told me to 'go fuck myself'
He is 22 years old and said this to me in front of his 4 year old brother I wasn't shouting or swearing he didn't like a bit of advice I gave him about leading a girl on that was it really
When he did this I told him to to please leave and as he was leaving he was shouting fuckoff at the top of his voice .
I am really really upset by this he was totally aggressive towards me .
He is going through a tough split at the moment and hasn't seen his children so I totally understand he is stressed out but I'm so upset and disappointed to be spoken to like this me and his step have been there for him as parents do through thick and thin .
I am really hurt because this isn't the first time he has said this to me I'm not saying he talks to me like this all the time but every now and then if he doesn't like what he hears or you don't 100 per cent agree with him he does this .
I'm feeling really pissed off and fed up of this behaviour he really needs to grow up . Im more upset because this isn't a way we behave in this house we don't shout and swear at each other and he knows that I'm so angry and upset he did this in front of his little brother
What do I do he is arrogant and won't apologise and thinks he is in the right he knows I'm soft natured and that they mean the world to me so will be waiting for me to get in touch
For me this is one fuck off to many .

[Cookiecake]

That is totally unexceptable, bad enough anyway but the fact it was in front of four year old brother. Especially as he's a parent himself? He sounds quite immature really and aggressive. Everyone goes through stress in life but taking it out on you isn't fair. I would make sure there is at least an apology from him.

[Ledkr]

I wonder if he's going through a tough split because of his complete lack of self control.
Does he love with you?
You could tell him that if he chooses to be anusuve again he can go to the YMCA.
You cannot change someone's behaviour, only your response to it.

[glittertree]

No he doesn't live with us which I suppose makes it a bit easier.Its trying to make him understand you cannot behave like this ..he thinks he is an adult and can do say what he wants ! I'm really upset that he thinks it's accetable

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

Technically speaking, he IS an adult and he CAN say what he wants. The difference here is that he needs to understand that while he can say what he wants, if he chooses to be rude and aggressive, there will be consequences, most likely negative ones.

This unfortunately is where you need to decide what behaviour you will and will not tolerate from him, make it very clear to him, and then if he behaves unacceptably towards you again, follow through with whatever consequences you told him were going to happen.

[glittertree]

I don't want to send him the message that I tolerate this behaviour .But as I've said he has done it before and said it wouldn't happen again .What can I do if he does this again ?

[ChipDip]

I think you should not allow him back till he apologizes and actually realizes how bad his behaviour is. No wonder he is going through a split, who would put up with this. If he's ok to do this in front of his 4yo Db then he is probably like this around his dc.
He is an adult but that doesn't mean respect flies out the window.

[WaxOnWaxOff]

You say to him "please leave, I won't be spoken to like that and you're not welcome back until you're ready to apologise". And mean it.

[ahbollocks]

If that is how he speaks to women then I'm not surprised he is going through a split and not seeing his children

[glittertree]

Thanks for your advice ladies ...I'm more alarmed that he continues to do this .I can accept an apology but where do you draw the line if he continues such aggressive behaviour ? I feel like he says sorry then it happens again further down the line then what ? It's so hard given that he is an adult

[AlternativeTentacles]

Where did this happen? If at your house then he needs to leave. If somewhere else, then you need to leave.

[TRexingInAsda]

He told you to go fuck yourself during an arguement? I don't see the big deal tbh. He got pissed off and swore, so what? He's 22 - he IS an adult, and he CAN do and say what he wants. On the other hand so are you, and you're perfectly entitled to say 'I don't want that language in my house, leave' and don't let him back until he says sorry. As for how to prevent it again - you can't. You cannot control another person's behaviour. You need to accept that.

[glittertree]

We are entitled to an opinion ,but actually TRexingInAsda ,I do think it's a big deal to shout that in front of his 4 year old brother and it was in a really aggressive manner that he did it and I don't want my son shouting fuckoff at the top of his voice at me . Sorry for me I don't think this is acceptable and a normal way for people to talk to each other ..

[JigsawsAreAllLittlePieces]

Glittertree, Trex's post while it may have annoyed you has seems to have made you see what you should do. It angered you (that's the way your response comes across) and that's how you should react to your son.

Your house, your rules. You are perfectly right to tell someone to leave if they do something you dislike.

He should apologise profusely for offending you (and in front of a child - his brother!) and possibly seek help with anger management.

[MagicMojito]

Yanbu but im of the same opinion as TRex tbh. I don't see the massive issue here. You were having an argument that got heated and he swore at you. Its not the best behavior but not crime of the century. Of course you are well within your rights to want an apology and not allow him back in your hone until you get one.

[Fauxlivia]

It is a big deal. Totally disrespectful to speak to his mother like that - she's not some mate that he's fallen out with, she's his mum. Totally unacceptable imo and that's before you get into the fact that he said this in front of a 4 year old.

Being an adult means accepting that you can't just say whatever pops into your head. You have to make yout behaviour appropriate and not have a strop because you've been told to behave properly by your mum ( who is generally someone youcan rely on to have your best interests at heart ).

If he was mine he'd not be allowed back until proper sincere apologies had been made and any sign of future bolshiness and he'd be out again. Sorry, no better advice other than to point out to him that he will alienate everyone who loves him if he carries on and will give his ex ample ammunition to stop him seeing his dc if he can't control his attitude.

[championnibbler]

Maybe its better he's not seeing his kids and is splitting from his partner, if he speaks to his own mother like that.
i see trouble for him ahead

[TRexingInAsda]

Oh please get a fucking grip champion - it's better that he doesn't see his kids because he swore (especially if it was because he was upset/stressed about not seeing them)! Ok it's bad behaviour, but not punishable by not seeing your kids!! Fucking hell, have you never sworn in your life? Shall we take your kids off you? It's a swear word. Get. A. Grip.

OP Yes, you are perfectly entitled to consider it a big deal if you think it is. But that doesn't change what you can do about it, which is big fat nothing in terms of controlling what comes out of his mouth. You can cut him out of your life if you want, I personally think that'd be a massive over-reaction, but it's up to you. Why don't you stop concentrating on the actual word and think about why he did it - the stuff that actually matters here. He said that because he was very, very upset. Sort out what the problem was that upset him so much, and then seek an apology for the swearing. You're trying to treat the symptom and not the cause here imo.

[Fauxlivia]

Thing is though it's not the swearing itself - I'm sure the OP isn't some delicate flower who hasn't heard the word fuck before. It's the fact that he said this to her, in front of her child and not for the first time. It does beg the question of what is he like at home. And like it or not, he is giving his ex ammunition if she's that way inclined.
For his own good, he needs to control his temperm

[glittertree]

TRexingInAsda,I've no intention of cutting my son out of my life over a swear word I've never once said I would why on earth would I ?
I wanted to know what other people would do in my situation given that he has shouted this at the top of his lungs at me in front of his four year brother and continued to scream it as he was leaving ..his little brother got upset
No it's not acceptable I just didn't know what to do about the situation and given that it's not the first time he has done this
I don't agree that it's an acceptable way for a son to communicate with his mother , I would find it odd if it was to be acceptable
All I was looking for was advice in how anyone else would handle the situation

[lomega]

Bloody hell. I'd never have spoken to my parents like this. My feet wouldn't have touched the ground.

This is not acceptable. If he is still living at home are there privileges you can withdraw until he gives you a sincere apology?

[catzpyjamas]

If it was me and DS did that, I would text him (so he couldn't interrupt) and say "I understand how frustrated you are with your current situation but I am really offended that you spoke to me that way. I'm also upset that you seem to think so little of your DB that you would use language like that and lose your temper in front of him. Please remember that he is only 4 and should not have to hear you shouting like that. Anytime you want to talk to me civilly, you know I'm here for you but I won't tolerate that behaviour again."

[Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost]

Trex. You don't see the big deal in op's son telling her to go and fuck herself.
How old is he op 2, 12, or 22. God help his dp because if he talks to his mum with such disregard then he'll do to her.
The best advice I was ever given by s very wise old women was Watch the relationdhip with their mother. If he's good to his mother. He'll be good to his wife.