AIBU to be really annoyed at DH's ex?

[SayCoolNowSayWhip]

Bit of background, ex and DH were uni sweethearts but broke up after 6 years about 15 years ago. Weirdly she has stayed friendly with DH's family, to the point where she goes for coffee with MIL every week and they go shopping together. She now has a 3yo DD who has got friendly with my 4 yo DD (through MIL who looks after her once a week).

Yesterday I picked DD up from MIL's where the ubiquitous ex was firmly ensconced. I was in a hurry as we had to get back to pick up DS from nursery. Ex had apparently brought along a pair of boots that were too small for her DD, and my DD was trying them on. Ex and MIL said that DD could have the boots as she liked them. I was busy trying to get her dressed and ready so we could go and get DS, so possibly wasn't as grateful as I clearly should have been.

Last night, DH gets a message from Ex saying that as I hadn't said anything about the boots or thanked her, I presumably didn't want them so could she have them back.

AIBU to be pissed off that a) she went to DH and not me, and b) that she's being so ridiculously petty.

[itsbetterthanabox]

From what you've written Yabu.
She didn't think you wanted the boots so she probably just thought she could give them to someone else.
Does she have your number? She did text the child's dad and it was concerning shoes for the child. Not particularly petty.

[SaucyJack]

I'd say the thing with the boots was the least annoying bit of it.....

Unflushable.com

[MrsFlannel]

Well I think yabu. If you saw the boots were offered and you took them why didn't you thank her?

[TwoOddSocks]

It sounds like she's picked up on the fact that you don't like her. From your post it's fairly obvious you don't want her around, perhaps she was trying to build bridges by giving your DD the boots and felt put out that you didn't take the olive branch.

I don't find it that "weird" that she's stayed friends with your DH's family. Over 6 years they became close and I don't see why they should have to give up their relationship because she's no longer with your DH. Since they've been broken up for 15 years (over twice the time they were together) the fact that they're ex's should be put to one side by now. Are you perhaps a little threatened by the relationship she has with your MiL? If they're very close it would be understandable to feel measured up to her as a daughter in law?

[no73]

I think YABU and sound rude tbh. It takes seconds to say thank you, thats really kind. There is nothing wrong with her texting you DH either as she is friends with him more than you.

You also sound very jealous of an ex from 15 years ago which is quite bizarre. The ex is clearly friends with his family separately from him and enjoys there company.

[HappinessHappening]

YANBU

a) you didn't ask for the boots

b) as you say, why message your DH? He wasn't even there and he is not your keeper

I would send the boots back with mil and just ignore

[WorraLiberty]

See if you take away all the other information (which I think is what's really clouding your view)...

Someone gave you a pair of boots for your child and you didn't thank them. Therefore they feel you didn't really want them, so they (understandably) want to give them to someone who does.

When it's put like that ^^ you're clearly BU.

But due to who she is and her close relationship with your MIL, I think your mind is understandably clouded.

[MrsFlannel]

Happiness if she didn't ask for the boots but still took them then thanks were in order. That's basic.

[PinkSnowAndStars]

I think YABU. A quick thanks takes no time at all even if you are busy.

[SayCoolNowSayWhip]

I'm pretty sure I did say thank you! The point is, I was in a tearing hurry so I can't remember exactly what I said.

And it was the way shed 'd phrased it in her message to DH 'SayCool didn't say anything or thank me so I can only presume she doesnt want them." It just came across as a bit passive aggressive but perhaps I'm reading too much into it.

I probably am threatened by her relationship with MIL, it just seems weird to me. I can't imagine DH being happy with one of my exes hanging about with my dad. But perhaps it's just me and I am BU.

[Girlwhowearsglasses]

You should have thanked her yes.

I'd say that fifteen years down the line you shouldn't be defining her as 'DHs ex' (esp as no DCs involved). She's someone who's known your DHs family since she herself was quite young, so 'friend of the family'.
I think you should try and change this definition in your head too as it won't help you deal with her

[HappinessHappening]

But mrsflannel the op said that she just 'wasn't as grateful as she should have been' not that she didnt say thank you at all

[WorraLiberty]

But even in a tearing hurry, I assume you said "Bye" so "Thanks for the boots" tagged onto the end wouldn't have slowed you down.

One of my exes from 25yrs ago occasionally goes for a drink with my Dad. I don't find it weird, as he gets on well with my brother too.

But if you find it weird then at least you're being honest about it. Nothing you can do though, apart from accept it.

[WorraLiberty]

HappinessHappening the ex says she didn't and the OP can't actually remember.

Either way, she had the distinct impression that the OP didn't want them.

[SayCoolNowSayWhip]

Tbh I probably don't want the sodding boots. DD has more shoes than I have! But of course she (DD) has fallen in love with them now so woe betide me if I try and separate her from them!

Crap, I am unreasonable, aren't I? I'm an ungrateful unreasonable person. Is it time for wine yet??

[Fromparistoberlin73]

how very annoying, unflushable indeed!!!

its wierd and yanbu

you catch more flies with honey than vinegar

as much as you want to be rude- she will use it against you. so completely suprise her and disarm her with thanks anmd gratitude fopr the fucking boots


can you develop a close friendship with her DH???

I kind of hate her on your behalf!

[googoodolly]

You seem a bit threatened by this woman and how close she is to your DH's family? Are you not that close to your MIL yourself?

I think you need to see her as a friend of the family, not an ex. She broke up with your DH years ago and there are no DC involved so she's just an old family friend now.

[Fromparistoberlin73]

dont take my advice OP, I have jealousy issues

[WorraLiberty]

Fucking hell, over the top much Fromparistoberlin?

OP, at least you've accepted you're BU

If you're going to keep the boots, just send her a thank you text and explain that you were in a rush.

[WorraLiberty]

Oh, X posted

[EponasWildDaughter]

Do you want the boots? If so i'd text the woman myself and cheerily say 'so sorry i didn't thank you yesterday, i was in such a rush, boots are great, thank you', and leave it at that. Has she got your number? She will have if you text her.

I can understand why your feel a bit iffy about her, but i think it might help to see it from her point of view, which might be this:

I am matey with my long time distant ex's mum. I've been seeing her for coffee for years and now have a daughter who enjoys going to visit with her sometimes too. My old ex is happily married and has a daughter too, and the girls get on. Great! But his wife is always a bit funny with me. I'm not sure why? Does she really think i want the ex back??

OP - rise above this and just say thanks for the boots.

[SayCoolNowSayWhip]

Ha, thanks fromparis. It IS annoying. I'm sure it's irrational and unreasonable but it does bug me. She's always round at MIL's (and yes she does have her own parents nearby).

I know it should be a family friend thing rather than an ex thing, but she's always saying things like 'oh, me and Saycool's DH go way back', and talking about times that were pre-me. She's a perfectly nice girl so maybe she has no idea she's doing it (trying to give her the benefit of the doubt).

I think I'll just give the damn boots back.

[googoodolly]

Maybe she feels a bit defensive about her relationship with your MIL? I'm sure I'd feel the same but it seems like you're a bit put out by her being around and maybe she's trying to justify it in a weird way?

Could you not go round while she's there with her DD and maybe have a chat with her and get to know her over a coffee while MIL watches the kids? She's obviously going to be around for a while so maybe it would be better to be friends with her than to have this ongoing undercurrent of tension?

I know it's a lot easier said than done though!

[Fromparistoberlin73]

nah, she sounds like a nob to me

I would never EVER dream of hanging around at an old exes, sending passive agressive texts and making silly comments. she either has a yen still for the DH, or has zero emotional intelligence

I have an instinct for this- and she sounds very annoying and passive agressive

testing your DH, tut. fuck OFF!

but know your enemy OP, and disarm her with incredible nicness and give her no power

I am really NOT helping am I

[EponasWildDaughter]

If she's deliberately trying to wind you up then giving the boots back will be a score to her. Thanking her sweetly from your own phone (subtext - DH has just handed the issue straight back over to you) will give you the moral high ground, and make you look good and unruffled.

I don't think she is doing anything to get at you though. Giving the boots back will just make you look grumpy and slightly weird IMO.