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AIBU?

To not want my colleague to hug me every day?

210 replies

perrita · 19/03/2015 22:39

Recently changed to a new team at work, they're all very nice. Each morning, one of the women on the team will come around to each of our desks and give everyone a hug.

I hate it; it makes me feel uncomfortable, I've tried ignoring her or walking away but she literally stands and waits with her arms open and says something like "it's time for morning hugs". I'm not a big hugger in general, and although she's nice enough and we get on okay I still barely know her.

It's been going on for about a week and a half now and I don't know how to stop it, I don't want to offend her or have the other people on the team think I'm strange or horrible or anything but I just don't want a hug although the problem is I feel like I've let it go on too long and I don't know how to tell her to stop.

DH thinks I'm BU and should just put up with it as "it's only a hug, she's just being nice" but I don't think I should have to do something that makes me uncomfortable. AIBU?

OP posts:

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ImperialBlether · 19/03/2015 22:42

I'd say, "Oh how lovely to get a hug; DH won't hug me nowadays. He says I've got to get rid of the nits first."

Then give her a really big hug and roll your hair all over hers.

lomega · 19/03/2015 22:42

Can't you suddenly need to make an important phone call urgently as she starts walking towards you?

I'd just say "Haha I don't really do hugs" and laugh it off, lots of the people at my office would HATE to be approached for daily hugs. Not sure what industry you work in but I'd also find that really unprofessional!

Discopanda · 19/03/2015 22:43

I don't like unnecessary physical contact, not a big hugger at all (except with DD of course) but sometimes you just have to grin and bear it. YANBU to feel uncomfortable but you might look a bit unreasonable if you ask her to stop after letting her hug you for a while.

SwedishEdith · 19/03/2015 22:43

@ "It's time for morning hugs". YANBU at all

Discopanda · 19/03/2015 22:44

Alternatively, don't wash or wear deodorant for a few days. She'll soon steer clear.

GraysAnalogy · 19/03/2015 22:44

Sounds like she's on some strong meds

ahbollocks · 19/03/2015 22:45

What if you start squeezing back reaaaaally too tight, or taking a massive sniff of her hair or accidentally groping a bit of side boob?

thenightsky · 19/03/2015 22:46

Add as much garlic as you can bear to your evening meal.

SingingSoftly · 19/03/2015 22:48

You shouldn't feel forced into having unwanted physical contact with anyone. I don't think you need to grin and bear it, and I think she also needs to know that this behaviour is inappropriate.

Alisvolatpropiis · 19/03/2015 22:50

I would hate that.

If I'm not married to you or related to you, I don't want to be touched.

FarFromAnyRoad · 19/03/2015 22:50

Eat chickpeas the day before. Lots and lots of chickpeas. There will be a toxic cloud of fart around you so bad that nobody sane will want to be near you never mind hug you!
But YANBU - I'd run a mile from this kind of thing. I just don't DO huggy touchy feely unless it really cannot be avoided.

lomega · 19/03/2015 22:50

Or, as you hug her, sneakily stick a sign on her back secondary-school-style, with an appropriate message. me? immature?

NB please don't do this as it would be far too harsh!

perrita · 19/03/2015 22:51

Thanks for the responses, some excellent ideas here

lomega it's a fairly relaxed environment but I agree, I also find it unprofessional.

Discopanda I know I've let it go on too long, I should have just said no straight away but she started by just surprise hugging me from behind while I was sat at my desk with no input from me and it has evolved from there

The other day I saw her heading towards me and I said "oooh, stay away, I'm starting with a really bad cold" but she didn't falter and just said "I'll take my chances". Maybe if she needs a hug that badly that she'd risk catching a cold I should just do it!

OP posts:

ashtrayheart · 19/03/2015 22:52

I would not be happy! What do your other colleagues think?!

BadPenny · 19/03/2015 22:53

I can't think of any workplace where this could possibly be appropriate! Just no.

If you don't want to hurt her feelings maybe have a quiet word in private sometime to explain... easy enough to say you've been meaning to say something but felt a bit awkward etc... but though you mean no offence you would rather just a friendly hello and maybe a wave or a handshake (you can improvise!) but no hugs please...

DoJo · 19/03/2015 22:54

Physically foisting yourself on someone is inappropriate in any environment, but particularly at work. I think you should just say 'not for me, thanks' until she stops asking. Past hugging has no bearing on it - you are perfectly at liberty to decide that you don't want a hug whenever you like!

SwedishEdith · 19/03/2015 22:55

No, this isn't on. Not the hugging from behind - what does everyone else think? Surely everyone else feels as twitchy as you about it - I'm assuming you are in the UK?

Canyouforgiveher · 19/03/2015 22:58

Don't make excuses. go to her privately and say outright

I am not comfortable hugging in the office everyday. I realise you do it because you are a nice person but it makes me very very uncomfortable. So as you are such a nice person, I know you will leave me out of hug routine from now on.

If she continues just say No Thanks I get my hugs at home in a loud voice or move away. If it continues contact HR.

If she doesn't hug you but makes a comment in front of everyone, go to her again and tell her to stop. If she doesn't contact HR.

I can't stand people who think their desire for hugs/kisses/whatever trumps your desire for personal space. Why does she get to decide whether you get hugged or not? (this one is a bit triggery for me so I may be slightly over the top)

VelvetRuby · 19/03/2015 22:58

That's too much and I'm a tactile person. I'd never insist on a hug though, it's obviously going to make a lot of people uncomfortable.

GraysAnalogy · 19/03/2015 22:59

Could you not just do the nervous laugh and go 'haha no I'm really not a huggy person' and that's that? It's what I do. Particularly when the over friendly delivery driver used to do it

perrita · 19/03/2015 22:59

Yes I'm in the UK. No one else has said anything and I don't know the team well enough yet to feel comfortable bringing it up. No one seems like they mind it but I suppose I probably don't seem like I do either.

OP posts:

TheRestofmylifeiswaiting · 19/03/2015 23:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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FarFromAnyRoad · 19/03/2015 23:01

Sorry if you've already said OP but how old is the huggy woman?

perrita · 19/03/2015 23:06

FarFrom she's mid to late 30's I think

OP posts:

jackydanny · 19/03/2015 23:07

I think ask for a few mins of her time & tell her you like her but you won't be hugging anymore.

When (unwanted) huggers hug me I hold their shoulders so they can't get too close.

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