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AIBU?

Have fallen out with best friend and his dp- was it my fault?

85 replies

joeyhm · 06/03/2015 20:26

I am no saint, but is it possible to salvage this friendship?

My (male) friend and I have been close for many years, since we were at school, and went to university together.

He got together with his dp under a cloud- she was in the closing days of a relationship with his flatmate (they would go through long periods of 'trial seperation), and I was often asked to cover for the both of them, which to my shame, I did.
I've never been particularly crazy about her- we work together and can coordinate well, but occaisionally wind each other up in private conversation (we have differing opinions on a number of subjects, and I've always been a sucker for an argument)

The other night, she and I, plus some other people went out drinking (my friend was away), and ended up back at hers, rather drunk. The conversation ended up sex-related, we played 'never have I ever' and friends dp began to list all of the risque things she'd done, with both men and women. She began claiming that she was fantastic in bed and that women could pleasure women more than men, and I (semi-jokingly) interjected that she probably wasn't all that. She looked me in the eye and said 'If I slept with you I'd rock your world' (She does have a tendency to get flirty when she drinks).I replied 'Oh yeah?' and she put her hand on my leg and replied in the affirmative. I felt uncomfortable, and stood up, and said that we should pretend that conversation had never taken place. I left soon after.

Fast forward to today. I'd chalked up the other night to having too many sherberts, and assumed she wouldn't remember- she often claims to have no memory of drinking nights. Lunchtime and I'm with with her, best friend, and some of the people we went out with. I make a reference to the 'Never have I ever' game, on account of the fact that one of the people we played it with is a semi-famous, and best friend's dp goes bright red. This afternoon she sidles up to me and begins complaining that I've gone back on promising her that I wouldn't say anything, and how dare I make fun of her. I respond by pointing out I hadn't referenced her directly, but that if she could remember that conversation then she clearly can't be as drunk as she seems to be and that she should have some self-control about flirting with people, particularly as she knows it winds dp up (probably out of order there). She walks off.

Best friend calls me up this evening and yells down the phone that I've really upset her by making fun of her and 'jusging her', and that I apparently know it really upsets her when people are judgmental. He tells me I'm not welcome at theirs anymore.

I'm not really sure what went wrong there? Was I out of order, or have they overreacted?

OP posts:
FuckItBucket · 06/03/2015 20:29

Never have I ever fallen out with a mate over never have I ever

joeyhm · 06/03/2015 20:31

I know, it seems really stupid.

OP posts:
fizzycolagurlie · 06/03/2015 20:32

You were out of order by bringing up the game. You need to apologize, first to her and then to your friend. Apologize a LOT she is clearly mortified.

The problem is, when people do things or say things when they are drunk, often they can't face the person they said or did them to, as it reminds them so much of their own shame.

You'll lose both as friends if you don't sort it asap. Who cares if she was out of line at the time, you need to chalk that up to being drunk and get past it.

fizzycolagurlie · 06/03/2015 20:33

Also I think you know all this already but you were being territorial about her DP who is your long term friend. I know its out of loyalty but it completely mis fired.

Marshy · 06/03/2015 20:36

Oh dear....sounds like they're both embarrassed about the events of the night and dumping on you though on reflection it probably wasn't wise of you to make reference to it after the event.

Is it salvageable? Maybe, with some grovelling on your part, but do you want to do that given that you don't like her much anyway and they come as a package?

Bakeoffcake · 06/03/2015 20:38

I don't think you should have brought up the game but I think they've completely overreacted.

Why would he start yelling at you? I'd be a bit worried as to what his Dp actually said has happened.

Waltermittythesequel · 06/03/2015 20:40

Be honest with yourself first.

Did you bring it up to embarrass her?It reads like you did.

She sounds like a knob but that was uncalled for, IMO.

Also, digs about what her do is and isn't happy with crosses a massive line.

What gives you the right to comment on their relationship?

joeyhm · 06/03/2015 20:40

fizzy, you're probably right, but we all said embarassing things in that game, me included, so I'm not sure why she got so upset. I said "We played never have I ever with semifamous person, but they didn't bite". Apart from best friend everyone else at lunch had been there. Also, her flirting with me did make me very uncomfortable- I suppose it's the old glass house and stones problem?

OP posts:
mommy2ash · 06/03/2015 20:40

its an unspoken rule in my group of friend that what gets said on drunk nights out stays there. so i wouldn't have ever brought it up again.

Waltermittythesequel · 06/03/2015 20:42

*dp

rebelfor · 06/03/2015 20:43

Aaah I can make myself go scarlet sometimes through cringing 'the morning after the night before' when I've had a drink (loose lipped and annoying), I'd hate for someone to bring it up in company.

And you saying ''she should have some self-control about flirting with people, particularly as she knows it winds dp up'' makes it sound like he bad mouths her to you, which isn't nice.

fizzycolagurlie · 06/03/2015 20:44

Well she did practically offer to sleep with you. And she will be very embarrassed about that.

fizzycolagurlie · 06/03/2015 20:46

Thing is, she is probably most upset with herself and can't bare to be reminded of it. What you said to her about her DP may feel like a real threat and that will also upset her.

Are you going to grovel or lose them?

joeyhm · 06/03/2015 20:48

waltermittysequel It was one vague sentence, and everyone said embarassing things, not just her. I'm not sure why she took it as a personal attack, because it wasn't. And I'm not quite sure what you mean by digs about her dp crossing a line- he's told me that her flirting strongly with people annoys him, and I was annoyed that she'd chosen me, particularly since we're so close.

mommmy2ash- fair enough, but she does as well. And I didn't actually go into specifics.

OP posts:
EmptySoulKindHeart · 06/03/2015 20:49

she sounds disgusting but you didnt have to bring up the game tbh she was drunk

joeyhm · 06/03/2015 20:50

I don't know yet. I'll leave it a few days, but I'm worried about how dp will react. And as I've said, I'm not happy with her making a pass at me.

OP posts:
Marshy · 06/03/2015 20:53

So you mean your dp? Depends how you present it eg as drunken silliness or something more serious

Marshy · 06/03/2015 20:53

*Do not so

joeyhm · 06/03/2015 20:54

No, I meant best friend's dp. Poor use of syntax!

OP posts:
fizzycolagurlie · 06/03/2015 20:55

You are punishing her and drawing it out. i think you're being unnecessarily cruel. The longer you leave it the less they are likely to "forgive" your bringing it up and upsetting her.

But you know this don't you - and you're feeling quite pleased with yourself now it seems.

Marshy · 06/03/2015 20:59

I think you've had his reaction! His anger seems misplaced to me. He's fed up with her flirting (he told you that) and now she's gone one step further and crossed a boundary with you, thus embarrassing him in fro t of you. It's her he should be cross with but that's where his first loyalty lies (quite rightly) so you're getting it in the neck.

Just my view on the basis of what you've presented

Marshy · 06/03/2015 21:01

*in front < I have fat fingers and small phone>

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Marshy · 06/03/2015 21:02

It does sound a little bit as if you are happy to cause some trouble between then - just throwing it out there.

Does it really matter that she made a pass at you when drunk?

Ragwort · 06/03/2015 21:03

How old are you all?

I would let the whole thing cool down and find some other friends.

joeyhm · 06/03/2015 21:04

Well, I wouldn't say I was pleased with myself- I'd actually have to have gained something out of it for that. As for punishing her, probably. But, I'm not sure what she's said to him- he didn't seem to pick up on anything at lunch- so if I do actually apologise, I'm not sure if I'm aplogising for bringing up the game, having a go at her for flirting with me or what, and I'm not apologising for something that I haven't done.
If it is just because of the lunchtime conversation, I will.

OP posts:
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