Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

AIBU?

AIBU to want to limit the amount of money I give to dp or am I being controlling?

116 replies

SunSunSunSun · 04/03/2015 06:20

Dp is out of work and has been for some time. I work full time in what would be considered a well paid job. I have 2 dcs (teenagers) who live with me, he has dcs who live with their mother.

Dp does help out at home - so he does ferry the kids around if they need it but it isn't that much, he helped out when we had the builders in etc. but the builders have gone now. His ex-w, knowing that Dp isn't working has been taking advantage and getting him to collect their dcs (also teenagers) and getting him to sort out their house for sale and do viewings (theoretically he should benefit from the sale but I have my doubts knowing the history).

Essentially he has managed to make himself v busy and then wants money from me. When he was dealing with the builders, I felt he was doing a job I would have had to pay someone else to do but since then, he is doing mildly useful things but isn't working!

Dp likes going to the pub, he likes meeting his friends for breakfast in the cafe (he has a few friends retired and on long term sick) and he gambles. If it's his own money then fine but I don't see why my money should be spent being pissed up the wall by him. He basically wants what I think is a large amount of money, more than I spend on me and the kids together and I have said no. He thinks I am being controlling.

I said no again yesterday and he spent all day unpacking and putting together furniture to show he was being useful. I am sure he is going to ask again this morning!

He has a job in April - it is low paid and only for a short time and i won't see any of it for the food/bills as he will spend it all. He didn't look for this job - a friend of ours has asked him to do it.

I tried to agree an amount that he could have each week and he was hugely insulted and said I was controlling as he felt it was too little considering my disposable income!

AIBU or is he taking the piss?

OP posts:

Report

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 04/03/2015 06:22

He's a cock lodger. Why isn't he looking for proper work? Why are you subsidising him when you're not married and you have no kids together?

Rosa · 04/03/2015 06:25

Taking the piss.......and big time....

Mixtape · 04/03/2015 06:26

YANBU.

confusedandemployed · 04/03/2015 06:26

I don't think YABU. I've been in a similar situation, DP hasn't worked for a while and was a SAHD. However DD is only 2 and so of course he was contributing to the household. Even so we both only had a very small amount of money for personal spends and access to the joint account for food etc. He would never take the piss like that.
If he wants to chuck money away like that he needs to earn his own. And he needs to contribute even some of his small wage in April to the household. DP now has a job and every much we each contribute to the household budget: if, say I earn 70% of the total household income I pay 70% of the bills and so on.

overmydeadbody · 04/03/2015 06:26

He is taking the piss and being a cocklodger, I agree.

You don't need to give him your money, just so he can have fun. He should be looking for work.

confusedandemployed · 04/03/2015 06:27

Not every much. Every month*

Misssss · 04/03/2015 06:27

Total cocklodger. Tbh I can't believe his cheek. If he needed cash for essentials like fuel etc I could see his point but to expect you to subsidise his lazy life is taking the piss. You need to demand that he finds work. How long has he been out of work for?

I have a friend with a do like this. She earns a lot of money and he lives like a king while she wears second hand clothes and drives a 15 year old car. Don't become this woman op.

Nolim · 04/03/2015 06:27

Yanbu

mameulah · 04/03/2015 06:29

I read as far as 'he gambles '.

Get rid of him. Imagine life with him in ten years?

SunSunSunSun · 04/03/2015 06:29

He wasn't always out of work. Thanks, I thought he was taking the piss but it's useful to hear it from others!

Half his problem is he is due some payout (fairly substantial) if his ex-w sells their house and she keeps saying she will but never does. I personally don't think she will and she is just messing with him. He likes starting his own businesses and wants this lumpsum to do so but he should not be waiting for it as it won't come I don't think!

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 04/03/2015 06:33

Usually the response is 'it's family money'

But you don't give money to gamblers EVER

I would be asking 'I'm interested in why you think I should give you more disposable income than I have myself'?

I wouldn't give a gambler thruppence. It's just facilitating addiction and has nothing to do with an equal partnership.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 04/03/2015 06:33

he likes starting his own businesses

Oh dear

confusedandemployed · 04/03/2015 06:34

If I can live on money I don't yet have why the hell am I going to work every day?

SunSunSunSun · 04/03/2015 06:34

Your Dp is at least looking after the baby confused :) and he sounds v sensible!

Thanks everyone. Missss yes your friend sounds in a similar situation!

Even his friends say he has to learn to live within his own means so it's not like other people aren't telling him.

I have lost a lot of respect for him tbh and it makes me wonder what his financial situation was when I met him (we have separate finances)

OP posts:

confusedandemployed · 04/03/2015 06:37

He is a good guy Sun
You sound switched on though. I hope he doesn't make too much of a song and dance when you put your foot down!

pudcat · 04/03/2015 06:38

Does he not get jobseekers allowance?

43percentburnt · 04/03/2015 06:39

Why isn't he looking for work?

Does he think it is acceptable not paying maintenance to his ex for their two teenagers. Will they see a penny of the April money? Thin air and grass supports children...

This in itself is a red flag. I couldn't date a man who wasn't striving to pay for his teenage children. I'm not surprised she wants the children ferrying around. He not use for much else!

Asking you for large sums of cash - red flag.

Calling you abusive - red flag.

Spend the money you spend on him, food, heating whilst you are out, breakfasts, gambling etc on a great holiday with your teenagers. You are teaching your teenagers that his cocklodging is acceptable behaviour.

Run for the hills. ( await begging, tears, anger,).

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 04/03/2015 06:41

How long have you been together ?
Has he applied for job seekers allowance? £70 a week to spend on beer and gambling

43percentburnt · 04/03/2015 06:45

Just read your update about his own business. A business requires drive, motivation and determination to get going, long hours, late working.

I'm not surprised his ex is giving him the runaround over money, maybe she is trying to stop the kids inheritance being gambled away.

Get your trainers on op and run run run...

lacksdirection · 04/03/2015 07:28

Does your dp get any income at all OP?
What is his reason for not working full time while he is waiting for this lump sum from the sale of the house?
Who is supporting his children financially?
How long has he been out of work?

Romeyroo · 04/03/2015 07:35

I think you need a strategy to get this man out of your life, sorry. Presume he is living with you? When he gets this work in April, take the opportunity to ask him to leave and sort out his own living arrangements, costs etc. That is what I would do personally.

Datahub · 04/03/2015 07:37

SUrely he is being like most SAHMs?

lits fuse and runs to work

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

londonrach · 04/03/2015 07:39

Has his ex wife and him really split. He spends the day with her sorting the house out when not running the teenagers around and gambling. Please rethink this op as sounds like hes taking advantage of you. Dont give him any money

SunSunSunSun · 04/03/2015 07:42

It's a long story but in his divorce, many years ago, his ex-w didn't want him to continue in the business with her. They had run one v successful business (owned by her father! Always in the family!) and when it was sold, he allowed them to have a percentage of the profit and with that they bought a huge house in London that is now worth a fortune. They started a new business just to pay expenses and not to work too hard as they felt they could scale back a bit (so they work at it till lunch time then do what they want).

When they split, he wanted to continue to do the business, she didn't so the divorce settlement agreed that they would sell the house (it's too big now anyway as only one dc left at home so they were going to downsize, she would keep the business. Except right at the last minute it (conveniently) falls through every time. This has been going on for years.

Dp and his last partner (first one after the ex-w) split up around 2 years ago. He had a job then and lost it around a few months after getting together with me. He has had one or two small things since then.

Tbh I think he is quite down about not getting the payout yet which is why he is trying to get involved now (and they have a written offer etc).

But even then I am not convinced he won't just take the money and spend it! He doesn't seem to have a long term plan which worries me - both him and his ex-w seems to me lived off family money and after the house sale, there will be no more!

It's just a different world to me as I have worked for everything I have.

OP posts:

Reddragon116 · 04/03/2015 07:42

Datahub - damp squib dear - most sahm &sahd have small or smallish children so are WORKING !

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.