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AIBU?

To not understand why the tidy person is always 'right'

114 replies

SEmyarse · 01/03/2015 15:35

I'm a scruff. Maybe that's a bad thing, I don't know, but that's how it is.
Dh likes things neat and tidy, and that's fine too. He's the majority stay at home parent so mostly things go his way.

I find it very very difficult to give a stuff what the house looks like, but I really do try not to impact others. So I never leave washing up long enough that it will impact someone else being able to use the kitchen for instance, but I may well leave pots for a couple of hours and do them late in the evening or even early the next morning. If he wants my stuff out of the way he only has to say and I will drop everything and get it sorted, but its not usually my way to be right onto it. Mostly dh will sneak into the kitchen and do it himself which makes me feel guilty if its only my mess, but equally I don't like being dictated to that it must be done right then if there's no need.

I like to have stuff around. Dh gets very cross with this and is permanently tidying my stuff. He got very arsey last night that i had left a book I was reading, and some newly opened post on the dining table. So he tidied my book (and lost the page). I was hunting all over for it, and when I found it in the bookcase I was bloody annoyed, I'd only put it down for half an hour. So I had a bit of a moan at him, and he got all 'the dining table is for dining, the bookcase is for books'. I really don't like being dictated to as to how I should use our joint furniture. If I want to use a surface to put stuff on, then I will.

Well, it turned into a bit of a minor row. He thinks no-one should complain since he does all this tidying, but it's unnecessary and not even always wanted. I like to have a bit of stuff around. I'm not talking piles of rubbish, but I do like a few books around, a jumper, some work bits etc, it feels much nicer. i also like the kids to be able to have things around, but they can't bring toys out of their (very small) bedrooms before he starts dropping hints that its time to tidy away. And if they leave drawings etc around he immediately bins them. Sometimes they have been given to me as a gift and I've put them down ready to display and before I've got chance they've been binned.

His argument is that we should compromise, but I already am! When living on my own my house was miles messier than this. He also says that tidy is a good thing. I understand this concept, but I don't think it has to be absolute. As long as things are reasonably clean then I don't think 'super tidy' is any better than 'reasonably tidy' and is just an extra waste of effort, and makes the home feel completely non-homely to me.

OP posts:
turquoiseamethyst · 01/03/2015 15:37

YANBU.

It's hard work living with someone like that. It makes you feel edgy and judged all the time. It also would make me feel as if my home wasn't mine.

FatCunt · 01/03/2015 15:37

He bins the children's drawings?

Bin something of his.

Writerwannabe83 · 01/03/2015 15:41

I love a tidy house and whinge at my DH all the time about his mess but your DH sounds very OTT and controlling about it.

molyholy · 01/03/2015 15:41

Yanbu. I wouldn't like to live this way. It's your home, not a show house

thatsucks · 01/03/2015 15:41

Did you post about this a few months ago because we've had the exact same AIBU on here? And I feel like the post is exactly the same too?

Anyway, although I do see your point, I do think being tidy is 'right' when you are living with other people. Maybe I can't stand mess (I'm not scrupulously tidy or clean - far from it - but like house to be in a default position of surface tidiness at the end of the day/weekend).

Whatabout · 01/03/2015 15:42

Sounds like my DH. I'm pregnant and have hurt my back. He disappeared to the garage for 90 minutes to tidy it. I had to crawl upstairs to get my toddler up from his nap. He thinks his behaviour is perfectly reasonable as tidy trumps everything. Including my pain and inability to weight bare.

SEmyarse · 01/03/2015 15:44

I don't think I've posted about it before!!

Why should the default position be surface tidiness? it's my house too, if I want to leave a pile of papers on a table, or the piano or wherever to sort at a later time, then I think that's OK. I shouldn't feel there are rules.

It irritates him to have them there, but it irritates me to have to alter my behaviour and clear things when there's no reason to.

OP posts:
thatsucks · 01/03/2015 15:45

Him not letting the kids have toys out and binning their drawings is awful - YADNBU on that front. He does sound very uptight.

crocodiledundeelady · 01/03/2015 15:48

Eep I am exactly the same as you! Though my dh is not that bad and we don't really argue about it. All I can say is maybe you should sit down performance and draw up specific rules about frequency and type of tidying. I agree it sounds like he needs to compromise further. Hope you manage to work something out.

SEmyarse · 01/03/2015 15:49

Sorry, massive drip feed here, but only because I've only just realised it.

I think a reason it's really starting to grate now is because he's resisting going back to work full time because he needs to be at home for the house and kids. Our youngest child is 8, so yes there are occasions when he needs to be around, but we could work round it, I'm self employed. So the majority of his time is spent on housework quite a proportion of which I think is unnecessary.

OP posts:
ARoomWithoutAView · 01/03/2015 15:49

He sounds OTT, perhaps a bit OCD.
It can be a problem.

CalicoBlue · 01/03/2015 15:50

I would love it if my Dh was tidier that I am. I am naturally messy but work really hard to keep the house tidy, though not as tidy as some. If DH was tidier than I am it would save me having to nag and tidy up after him.

Looking round the kitchen now I think I need a tidy up.

I am guilty of binning the kids art work though. They brought home so much from school they never noticed.

FarFromAnyRoad · 01/03/2015 15:50

My DH used to be like yours OP. I've broken him. It's taken 25 years but I've broken the bastard! Now there are piles of stuff on top of the piles of stuff and it's perfect! Grin

ConfuddledPickle · 01/03/2015 15:52

DH and I cannot find any common ground on 'surface clutter'.

I don't mind a few things about on surfaces - couple of books/post etc. But I like the house in general orderly - insides of cupboards and draws neat.

DH is the polar opposite - he couldn't give a stuff about cupboards/draws/under the surface as long as there's no visible clutter.

So he'll chuck shoes in wardrobes, mishmash of mail in the first draw he comes to etc, dump a necklace I've left in the hall in a random drawer.

Once, he gave the kitchen a big clean and when I got home he'd put the breadbin and the steamer (which is used nearly daily) in a kitchen cupboard because they were cluttering up the kitchen surfaces Hmm

Drives me barmy.

SEmyarse · 01/03/2015 15:53

He thinks the kids should play more in their rooms. Which would be good sometimes since our whole house is quite small and we're all squashed together in the front room. But they absolutely hate playing upstairs for some reason, so his compromise is that things must be tidied as soon as they're done with. But it's never that simple, there'll be bits around from one game which evolves into another and dh starts taking bits upstairs because he deems they're finished with and the kids give up, tidy everything and stick the telly on.

OP posts:
Bunbaker · 01/03/2015 15:55

My default preference is to be tidy. Excessive untidiness makes me feel claustrophobic and unsettled, but I am not as uptight as your husband.

I must admit I would not want to share a living space with you as we would end up falling out.

SEmyarse · 01/03/2015 15:58

That's exactly the problem bunbaker, because tidiness makes me feel unsettled and I guess the opposite for him.

OP posts:
trufflesnout · 01/03/2015 16:01

He sounds like a dick. There's compromise in a relationship when one of you is tidy and the other is more relaxed, but he's taking this too far and it's impacting the kids - which is totally unfair on them and completely unreasonable of him. I'd sit him down and tell him to pull his head out of his arse.

editthis · 01/03/2015 16:04

dump a necklace I've left in the hall in a random drawer Even reading that sets my teeth on edge! I can't bear not knowing where something is – so being organised is so much more important to me than being tidy.

OP, you raise an interesting point about the tidy one always being "right", which is interesting and which I think a lot of people have maybe missed. I don't know what the answer is, but it's true of so many situations. Like noisy people who consider themselves to have "strong personalities" thinking they've "won" an argument because they refuse to listen to anyone else's opinion. (I'm thinking of reality television, but I'm sure there are better examples.)

Sazzle41 · 01/03/2015 16:05

He does sound a bit OCD and not working is going to give him more time to obsess and get territorial re your bits and bobs. But ... if you are both on same page on tidiness it does mean less tension. So, you need to put some ground rules in before you drive each other mad.

Kids pictures that you really want to keep (you cant keep everything, thats ridiculous, you'd drown under drawings) should be put in one specific place and not touched til displayed etc. There should be a toy box downstairs for some toys etc. Then you can address his reluctance to work. Coud he do something part time to start with? Maybe full time work after being at home is a bit scary? Has he lost a bit of confidence do you think?

GreyjoysAnatomy · 01/03/2015 16:08

Could hr possibly compromise? I am him I'm my house and I'm the one who likes things tidy as mess makes me anxious. I am able to cope with it for so long, and toy type mess is fine, but I actually cannot sit down in the evening and relax until the place is sparkling again Blush I let it go as much as I can stand during the day though.

What I do with dh is I have a large pretty storage box that lives on a shelf and it contains all the stuff he leaves lying around. That way I can feel calm and enjoy the clean house and he knows that I will never throw his stuff out (unless it's actual rubbish like crisp packets etc) and he can find everything. Would that maybe work for you? Then your dcs pictures would be saved (wtf throws them out Sad) and you will be able to go through your letter etc at a leisurely pace but he will still be able to tidy up? And make sure he always puts a bookmark in, that was just damn rude! Shock

I realise I sound like a loon but it has made a big difference as I can

SEmyarse · 01/03/2015 16:09

He works 12 hours a week, and has for the last 5 years. I don't think that's enough given the ages of the children.

OP posts:

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GreyjoysAnatomy · 01/03/2015 16:11

*as I can feel more settled in myself and don't annoy him by tidying his things away where he can't find them.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 01/03/2015 16:15

Regarding the tidiness, I think you are both wrong. You like jumpers and papers strewn around, and think it's nice, he and I think it's horrible and unsettling to have crap strewn everywhere. However kids toys and drawings are not crap, they are essentials. Kids need to have free access to their things especially creative materials imo so they can do whatever they get inspired to do. Too much control and organisation of kids is stifling.
He's also wrong about books, the book you are reading doesn't go back on the shelf until it's finished. That's madness!

Regarding work, yes he's not pulling his weight and should be working a lot more really. No family needs a sahp if both kids are school age, fine of you both want one and can afford it but you clearly don't see him being at home as more valuable than him working so he should be working imo.

trashcanjunkie · 01/03/2015 16:19

It really sounds like it's a control thing, which might indicate OCD tendencies. Is he unhappy, or anxious generally? I had an ex who had been diagnosed, but I have met many who are very similar without a diagnosis and they joke they're OCD but I think it's a serious condition which benefits from proper help.

Tidying up the kids stuff is wrong. It means, like you've said, they just give up and switch on the telly.

When the air has settled after this row, I would try to reapproach the situation, and explore how the mess makes him feel. Does he think it's a problem (his feelings) and could he accept that it might be wrong to always tidy up. How would he feel if the mess was left for a while/overnight? If he can't even bear the thought of that, stand your ground and don't accept it has to be always tidy. A Friday night and Saturday could be compromise days, when stuff is left about the place, and the dcs are encouraged to bring their stuff down and play with it, leave it and then come back to it.

If he can't cope with this, I'd insist he talks to somebody in the know about it.

Fwiw we have a tiny flat and ten year olds about the place, and I sympathise with your dp as I have to fight the tendencies myself, but it's actually worse in the long run to give in to the desire to tidy obsessively, you don't develop proper coping strategies for stress, and the methods currently being used lead to dysfunction and heightened anxiety.

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