AIBU to ask for help when it was earlier agreed?

[PregHead1337]

So a little back story will be necessary.
While on maternity leave my partner was commuting to another city for work. This was understandably exhausting and a huge drain financially which meant he had to move jobs. He managed to get a new job, with better money close to where we lived. However, this new job meant that I could not return to my job on my previous hours as they both required late shifts. I managed to negotiate some flexible working eventually but it completely destroyed any chance of promotion.

I decided to start an open university course as I had mornings free (about 15 hours a week to myself) while my daughter was in nursery before I went to work. I was then seconded into a full time role working normal 40 hours per week.

I spoke to my partner and said that I would only take it if he could help give me some space so that I could do a little studying on weekends, maybe 3-4 hours worth and share some more of the housework as we were now on the same hours.

Since I have started my new role, I am studying for an hour before work, on my lunch hour and anywhere I can squeeze the time in without it impacting our family life. While still doing most of the housework, all of the nursery drop offs and most of the pick ups and all of the grocery shopping. Add to that, I organise all family get-togethers, birthdays, presents and everything and apparently I have been unreasonable to ask him to do the grocery shopping this afternoon. I add that he had stayed in bed till 11am and when he got up he ignored me, our daughter and just played sodding games on his tablet which he had been up most of the bloody night doing.

I do not have a problem with him having time to himself, I actively encourage it and take my daughter out regularly so he can have some space too.

But! I get f* all sleep, I am up before 6 every day (he refuses to do any nursery drop-offs even when he is on lates) and working as many hours as him, while studying over 10 hours a week and still I am expected to be superwoman. Enough is enough! It is getting to the point where I may have to return to my part-time hours or have the time and money I have invested in my education wasted.

He said he would support me happily as I am bringing in a significantly larger income, and while he is happy there is more money, he does not care about the physical and psychological strain this is putting on me.

Really sorry for the long post but I wanted to put everything into context.

Anyone have any advice other than the standard 'talk to him, tell him how you feel' because I have tried that and all he says is "you're always on my case!".

I am no saint but when I ask him to do something, I always ask politely and usually end up doing it myself because it's not worth the agro.

Please help, I feel so trapped.

[Anomaly]

Buy wifework its a book read it. If you can get him to read it. Dont let him minimise what you do. If all the housework is so easy why isnt he doing it too! Dont let him act like its not important it is. I pointed out to my husband I would actually have more time to myself if we split and he had the kids every other weekend.

[PregHead1337]

Thank you, we have discussed splitting in the past. He won't leave and I don't have the financial stability to. Also as I had post-natal depression and his family have money, he has threatened to take my daughter away. I don't think that he could but I don't want to put her through that.

It would be agonizing for me to not live with her full-time and much as sometimes I despise him for the way he can be so dismissive, I would not wish that on anyone.

I just wish he would listen and take constructive criticism, (which he dishes out easily enough and not so nicely), without being a total asshat.

I am so stressed right now that even though he has finally gone out of the bloody house, I can't focus and study.

[MilesHuntsWig]

I am so sorry for you, he sounds extremely selfish and entitled. In answer to your question no YANBU (but you know that).

Could you just stop doing half the housework until he noticed the impact (would he notice?), is there someone that he'd listen to that you could try to broach this with? Could you try a different form of comms (ie write him a letter?) so he can realise that this isn't just an on-going thing bubbling along and needs to be dealt with urgently. Otherwise I'd suggest mediation.

Also, do you really love him enough to be treated like a doormat? Using your PND to scare you into staying with him makes him sound like an utter manipulative bastard to be honest.

[QTPie]

Can you (as a couple) afford extra help? A cleaner or cleaner/housekeeper (you can get people to do pick-ups/drop-offs, childcare/teas, cleaning, ironing, whatever suits). If he isn't willing to do the work, will he pay for someone else to do it? Anything to take some of the strain off of you :(

[dalekanium]

They all threaten to take the child.

Seriously, how will looking after a child 24/7 impact on his lazing around on the computer?

Call his lazy arsed bluff. Oh and don't do his washing , cooking etc.

[CalleighDoodle]

How about instead of telling him what needs foing now, sit down and discuss together what needs doing the following week? Include nursery runs, cleaning, ironing, washing pots etc, bedtime routine. Everything. And when they need to he dreasonably done. Have it in black and white and so its that bit harder to shirk and pretend these jobs dont exist. If he wont he clearly doesnt care.

[dalekanium]

And PND dosent mean you aren't fit to keep your child. Even if you were hospitalised for psychosis in the past as long as you can show you have symptoms under control he won't have a fucking leg to stand on.

Get yourself some advice, on here, online, CAB. etc. knowledge is power.

[PregHead1337]

Thank you for all of your replies ladies. He has just got back so I won't be alone until tomorrow now. Will reply and figure out a plan then.

Thank you so much.

[Nolim]

Agree with hired help, at least a few hours of cleaning every week. It can make a huge difference.

[ilovesooty]

I agree with Officer
It's not often I say LTB but I'd be looking to get him out.

[turquoiseamethyst]

He sounds eerily like my STBX.

The problem here isn't the housework, it's lack of respect.

And honestly, decent people support you through PND, not use it as a stick to beat you with!

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

It's difficult to see how things can improve because his attitude is so appalling. I couldn't live with him. His threats to take your daughter away are cruel and unrealistic.

[PregHead1337]

Ok, so I gave him an ultimatum.
Obviously he needs to respect me and pull his weight. Also he has a choice, he can either enjoy the extra money that I am earning, taking financial stress off of him and support me in my studies or he can shoulder most of the financial responsibility and stress again as I will return to my previous role earning a lot less money but working hours that are more conducive for study.

He has said he will be more supportive and offered to do the nursery run this morning which is progress. As we are on annual leave today and I am behind in my studies, my daughter has gone back to nursery a little early so I can study and he is going to deep clean the whole home.

We probably won't hire a cleaner as if we work together it is completely possible to do it ourselves, as long as he pulls his weight.

If he threatens to take my daughter away again, I will leave and do this on my own.

Thank you for your help ladies, I am laying down the law!

[countessmarkyabitch]

I would have given a much stronger ultimatum: man up or fuck off!
You: make more money, do all the housework, childcare, shopping and home organisation.
He: sits around like an ornament and it totally unsupportive, and when pressed threatens you with terrible things.

This isn't a question of getting him to help out more, its about him choosing whether to be a grown up partner and co-parent or not. Because right now, he isn't. What does this man add to your life?

[PregHead1337]

We just had a massive row. He knows he is taking the piss expecting me to do everything so has offered to take over the majority of the housework to free up time for me and to pull his weight more.

He knows he has cocked up hugely by taking me for granted. He is responsible for his families birthdays etc which he should have been doing anyway.

I have heard lots of promises today and I am giving him a chance to live up to them.

If he doesn't I am not going to waste away my life giving him more and more chances to disappoint me.

Also he rearranged our room to set up a decent quiet study space for me.

That again is some progress as long as it lasts.

I don't want to leave him, he does have good qualities though sometimes it can be hard to remember what they are. But I need to look at both sides fairly. I am not making excuses for his behaviour. I have been in an abusive relationship in the past and will not tolerate shit from him but I think we need to work on communication.

He has realised that a new PS4 (which he is obsessed with getting when he gets his bonus) is a little further down the line in terms of what is urgently needed for the family home e.g. adequate storage (it's a big problem at the mo). I want him to be happy and have nice things but there are more pressing matters than a games console when he already has a good one.

Here's hoping things improve.