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AIBU?

AIBU to ask for help with this thank you letter? Bereaved aunt.

12 replies

CadInWales · 28/02/2015 22:34

Firstly, I feel like an absolute shit. And the longer I leave it the worse it gets.

My 'aunt' (best friend of my mum) lives in Ireland, no children and doted on us from a distance growing up. I love her to bits. For Christmas she gave me €100 and £20. This is a huge sum of money. She is this generous every Christmas and birthday. I had written all but her thank you letter by NYE. On NY Day my fiancé and partner of 5 years split up with me more or less out of the blue. I was very ill at the time and so the next few weeks were a blur of packing (mostly supervising others, I wasn't fit enough), tears and trying to hold onto my job (I had been ill for some months - at least I found out where he stood on 'in sickness and in health' before the wedding!). My Mum explained to my aunt what had happened immediately and said my letter might take some time.

I settled into my new place and a week later my uncle (aunt's husband) died. Then I had a week to write the letter and post it separately to the condolence letter and I didn't, because I didn't know what to write.

We have a pre planned trip to see her next weekend. I still don't know what to say (other than thank you, obviously, but I usually write pages to her, at least 5). I have thought about this letter nearly every night for weeks.

I feel like January was just about excusable , but it is March tomorrow and, to quote my mother, "it is an insult" that I haven't written yet. Mum, who knows my aunt best, saying she doesn't have any suggestions and can't decide whether I should write now or drop it. I don't want to drop it, but I don't want to insult my aunt either and have no idea what to say... I have to post it on Monday for it to have a chance of getting to Ireland before we do on Saturday.

Suggestions please? I need a wider range of opinions from people who value that you letters (few of my friends do them so would probably say to leave it).

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Annunziata · 28/02/2015 22:39

I would write what you just wrote there, really.

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RainDancer · 28/02/2015 22:39

I would just start writing and see what comes. Don't overthink it. Start with how sorry you are about the time it has taken and then just let your emotions take over. They are the best kind of letters. I know exactly how you feel. I am guilty of putting things off in this way until it just snowballs and causes me anxiety. Just put pen to paper - she obviously loves you, and you her - that's all you need to remember. The words will look after themselves.

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JeanSeberg · 28/02/2015 22:42

Make it part of a longer letter sharing your news. Opening paragraph with the usual pleasantries then second one explaining how you must apologise for the lateness in acknowledging and thanking her for the gift. Don't make excuses just go on to say how much you enjoyed spending it on a special treat.

Then continue to share your news and ask after her.

And make sure it never happens again so its seen as an out of character one off.

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Eva50 · 28/02/2015 22:44

I would get a really lovely card and in it apologise for having taken so long to thank her. Say that as she will have heard from your Mum you have had a difficult time of late and acknowledge her bereavement. Tell her you can't wait to see her on Saturday and you will catch up then.

I write and expect to receive thank you cards but would understand if someone had the problems you have had.

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TweeStuff · 28/02/2015 23:08

I agree that you shouldn't overthink this. Get a lovely card and just write. It doesnt really matter what you write. Ask her how she is, tell her how you are, thank her for the money and tell her what you spent it on. Keep it short if it feels better.

Splitting with a fiancé is a big deal. I'm sure she won't feel insulted that you haven't sent a thank you card yet.

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Jenny70 · 01/03/2015 00:39

Can you take a card with bereavement note with you when you visit and some flowers as a thankyou/I'm sorry?

Explain how difficult your circumstances have been and how sorry you were to hear of her bereavement... she's been in your thoughts, but you haven't found the energy to write to her.

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CadInWales · 01/03/2015 09:50

Thanks everyone for your replies. I should clarify - I wrote her a condolences card immediately. It's the thank you card I haven't done. Difficult to blather on for the usual 5 pages when a) it's late and b) her husband just died. But I don't want her to feel I am being weird about it - have read women on here who were treated differently after close bereavement and I don't want to be that insensitive.

I think I will go with the suggestion up thread to keep it shorter. Flowers

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CadInWales · 01/03/2015 09:51

Of course, she may not give a shiny shit considering she has just lost my uncle, who, frankly, was just as amazing as she is.

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cozietoesie · 01/03/2015 10:00

I'm one for thank you letters - well letters in general in fact - but in these circumstances, I wouldn't attempt it. It sounds as if you already have a close relationship and she'll likely view your presence shortly as the main thing.

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neepsandtatties · 01/03/2015 10:13

I'm not sure a letter timed to arrive just before you see her is a good thing either, I know this is not the case but it smacks of "ohmigod, I'm seeing her next week, let's get this thank you letter out the way first and hope she doesn't notice that I didn't bother sending it before now" (again, I KNOW this is not the case).

Instead, talk to her and explain everything you've said here when you see her - better to do it in person.

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cozietoesie · 01/03/2015 10:39

Your uncle's death changes so much. Thinking to when I've been bereaved, it's a time when a good hug from a person who loves you means a lot more than words on paper.

If you still feel bad, I'd take along something nice for her and give it to her as a thankyou for Xmas etc and maybe write her a long letter later on in the year when she's likely feeling low and people have stopped coming round - as they do. (I'm sure you'd probably be doing that anyway though.)

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CadInWales · 01/03/2015 11:30

neeps That was the only suggestion my mum made, although she later rescinded it - that I buy a huge bunch of flowers instead to say thank you and do so in person. I don't want to buy her anything more substantial as that would be awkward (within the realms of our relationship).

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