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AIBU?

Maintanance - he's got me doubting myself.

128 replies

horseygeorgie · 01/02/2015 20:38

I have a 3.5 year old DD. Her 'Father' was an ex boyfriend I drunkenly decided to see again. We had a 1 night stand and I haven't seen him since. He's never met DD and firmly believes I should have had a termination. He has in her life given me 2 lump sums of money accounting to £200.
Over the last 6 months I have explained to him we are really struggling and would he please start a monthly contribution. I finally said to him tonight if I can't have a amicable arrangement I will go to CMA on Monday. He has agreed to a monthly payment but says I shouldn't ask him as it was my choice to have her and if I couldn't afford a child I shouldn't have had her. I thought I was infertile and had lost my marriage because of it and I suppose he feels hoodwinked.
AIBU?!? I wouldn't ask him but we really do need help.

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AlpacaMyBags · 01/02/2015 20:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 01/02/2015 20:43

It was his choice to have sex with you. Even using contraception there is still the risk of pregnancy. If he didn't want to take that risk he should have abstained. He didn't so now has to face the consequences that he jointly conceived a child he is now responsible for.

YANBU

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Goldmandra · 01/02/2015 20:44

No, YANBU.

If you have sex you have to accept the risk that you may create a life. If you are a man, your control ends the minute you make that choice. You don't get to walk away simply because you don't agree with the pregnancy continuing.

Your DD's father has a responsibility to contribute to the costs involved in bringing her up. That's all there is to it.

There isn't an option where the father gets to say the mother should terminate the pregnancy so he doesn't have to pay maintenance.

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CPtart · 01/02/2015 20:44

Straight to CSA. What a shirker.
I'm assuming he wore a condom when she was conceived? If not, then he too chose to have a child and should have thought of whether he could also afford to support one when he had unprotected sex.

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horseygeorgie · 01/02/2015 20:48

Thank you all. He's got me feeling so bad and guilty like I'm a tramp who is exploiting him. I'm a money grabbing bitch now.
No he didn't wear one. I would've pursued this long ago apart from the fact he is big a nice person and I didn't want him to have any involvement.
How someone like him can contribute to making such a wonderful child is a mystery.

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PtolemysNeedle · 01/02/2015 20:49

Did you tell him when you first found out you were pregnant?

Tbh, I think he has a point. You chose to have a baby alone, so the responsibility is yours IMO.

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SlicedAndDiced · 01/02/2015 20:52

Csa.

True he didn't get to have a say in whether you kept your baby or not.

But I do believe he had his chance to have a say about contraception when he happily put his penis in to you.

And unless he was seriously lacking in sexual education I'm figuring he knows how babies get made.

Get thee to the Csa and see about arrears.

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horseygeorgie · 01/02/2015 20:54

Yes of course I told him ptolomy.

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rinabean · 01/02/2015 20:55

Men have the choice to wear a condom

Women have the choice to use contraception and/or get an abortion

This isn't even a case of contraception failure. This is cut and dry. He didn't use a condom and now he has a daughter. Did his mom and dad never sit him down and tell him how this works?

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PtolemysNeedle · 01/02/2015 20:57

So if you knew he wasn't interested from the start, you were in a position to make a choice of whether to go it alone or not.

Did he know that you thought you were infertile?

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horseygeorgie · 01/02/2015 20:57

He didn't know about my previous fertility issues btw and has a DS 6 months older than mine (I didn't know until the mother got in touch with me) and another DD he has never seen. He doesn't pay maintanace for any of them.

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dalmatianmad · 01/02/2015 21:01

Why have you left it so long? He needs to face up to his responsibilities regardless of whether he sees his child or not.
Ring CSA first thing tomorrow and

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PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 01/02/2015 21:02

I think it doesn't matter the views of the parents, a child needs both parents to finacally support him/her.

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horseygeorgie · 01/02/2015 21:04

dalmationmad I have left it so long as he has had me convinced I was a horrible person for even suggesting he pays.

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PatrickOShea · 01/02/2015 21:05

Yes, perfect. Chastise mothers who choose to go it alone but need a financial contribution. It's the least he can do!

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Cantbelievethisishappening · 01/02/2015 21:07

This scenario was raised on here a few days ago. If he didn't know you thought you were infertile why does he feel hoodwinked?

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horseygeorgie · 01/02/2015 21:08

So by some strange act of fate ptolomy I have unprotected sex with a man (whatever the reason for lack of protection, and No he WAS just being careless as he didn't know about my issues) and get pregnant from a 1 night stand. The man can just say 'I don't want anything to do with this' and walk away?!? Really?! Even I can see that is skewed!
How is it different from being in a relationship and being careless, getting pregnant and him walking away?! Without a care in the world?

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Cantbelievethisishappening · 01/02/2015 21:09

So neither of you used contraception?

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horseygeorgie · 01/02/2015 21:11

cantbelieve was it? Does anyone know the thread link? Missed it.

He feels hoodwinked because I chose to have her knowing he didn't want her. He knows nothing about any fertility issues, never has and never will. I only mentioned it to explain my reasons for being lax on contraception.

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slkk · 01/02/2015 21:11

Yanbu it's a risk he took (more than once if he has other dc). His choice was to risk a baby or wear a condom. Once the baby is made he can't unmake her by forcing a termination. I wonder if he bullied the other mothers of his children out of pursuing maintenance too. I'm also pretty sure there will be more children coming.
On a different note I hope your dd brings you enormous joy after your fertility issues :)

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PtolemysNeedle · 01/02/2015 21:13

Well, you could have said that you don't want a baby, and taken the MAP, and while you clearly don't just get to walk away if you choose an abortion, you do get to choose whether or not you want to be financially responsible for the child you created or not.

You posted on here asking for opinions, I gave you mine. Maybe your reaction to that has helped clarify how you feel.

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horseygeorgie · 01/02/2015 21:14

cantbelieve no we didn't. Are you going to judge me for making that mistake too?!

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Cantbelievethisishappening · 01/02/2015 21:16

It was a thread discussing whether men should be forced into supporting a child if the woman decided to keep a baby when the bloke doesn't want it.

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horseygeorgie · 01/02/2015 21:16

ptolomy I believe the MAP works in 72 hours. Bit late by the time you actually realise you are pregnant 6 weeks later. So you think I am being U?

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meandjulio · 01/02/2015 21:17

I took the MAP. The fertilised egg that it was meant to prevent implanting is now awaiting news of his secondary school place.

Playing grown up games leads to grown up responsibilities. It's not actually illegal or unhealthy not to have sex with people - perhaps he should consider that approach. You're bringing up a person whose taxes will be paying his state pension. Go to the CSA.

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