Giving up my job so DH can pursue his dream job - AIBU to care what my employers think?

[HarryConnickSenior]

DH and I both live and work outside the UK. We met in this country, both having been sent here separately for work. Our careers have gone from strength to strength and I have had a very significant promotion to a role that is a key one in a small team.

DH's job has evolved as well and now, after 5 years abroad, his company say that his current role is best done from London. He loves the role and it has immensely good prospects. If he doesn't transfer to London they'll give the job to someone already there and he will be made redundant. However there would not be a position for me with my organisation in London.

My job pays extremely well (as does DH's) and can be very interesting. I often find it hugely stressful but not to the extent that I would have looked for a new job here if we had been staying in this country. However the view I take is that one of us will have to make a sacrifice and I am quite OK for it to be and not him. I am sure I can find something to do in the future and I have plenty of savings to give me the luxury of time to look. We are also ttc.

However I am dreading telling my employers. It's rare for women to be in the position I am in and we have been doing lots of business planning for the upcoming 24 months in which my role is fundamental, plus we have 4 juniors who look to me as a mentor. It's not the sort of position you just fill when someone leaves because it's a partnership and our business is about personal relationships with clients, though in time they will work out some sort of succession plan once the shock has subsided. However initially the other Partner in the team will have to take on all my work and there is a strong chance that he will lose a number of clients that we service jointly. He spent a long time building the practice and I feel bad that I might damage it. He's a very stress-prone person.

My employers are not used to their Partners having life partners with more or equally lucrative careers of their own. They have invested a lot of time and energy developing me and it's uncommon for Partners to leave unless they have real problems or get poached by a competitor; long term commitment to business development is implicit in the job description. I think that they will be very disappointed that I don't value my career/our business enough to tell my DH he should limit his own career options to ones which fit in with mine.

AIBU to care about what they think and how this will affect the business?

[sooperdooper]

If you want to move with your DH then who cares what your employers think - no person in a company is irreplaceable no matter what, if you want to leave just leave

[ApocalypseThen]

I don't know why you would care what they think, but think very carefully before surrendering your earning potential.

[simontowers2]

Doesnt matter what they think. But would husband be doing the same if the roles were reversed?

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

If I were you I would let your DH go ahead of you and stay where you are for 6 months or so. You could do a proper, useful handover and also during that time apply for something else/think about what you want to do when you're in London.

[forago]

why can't you do what you do in London? there can't be many jobs that can't be done in a major financial capital surely?

I'd also be very wary of giving up completey. you wouldn't be the first woman to do so and then find themselves in trouble a few years later, stuck at home with the kids, savings run out, not able to get back on the career ladder and forced to do a crappy job if the husband buggers off with a younger model.

[LIZS]

Also not sure why you think they would be upset. No one is indispensable and they can replay around the resources they have and recruit. Would you be able to find a similar role in UK or could you afford to live off one income?

[egnahc]

London isnt the best city to live on 1 salary- however good that salary is.You need to have a good look at affordability etc

[UmizoomiThis]

Sounds like they will be the types to understand if one of you has to give up a job, it will be the woman rather than the man.

Also, you're an expat. There is always the real chance once you started your family, or had health issues with your elderly parents, you would move back to your home country.

[SummerSazz]

I think you sound lovely and can see exactly where you are coming from
And to those who say you should just up and leave with no regard for those left behind (who by all accounts have been very supportive) I think you come across very badly. Can you imagine running your own business, investing significant amounts of their own time and money into someone who then turns round and leaves with a two finger attitude?? You'd be right to be a tad upset I think.
Anyway, OP, could you help with a transitioning plan, so recruitment to your role and joint service/handover of key clients? Or a consulting role from the uk until they get sorted with a replacement?
Good luck with whatever happens

[Parliamo]

I think it would be very sensible to leave on good terms as it might leave a door open for the future.

Could you offer to work a longer notice period, even if it means your DP comes to London ahead of you? Then he could do the house hunting (sorry minuscule very expensive flat hunting) and all the other tedious stuff.

[Dimplesandall]

Ditto others- don't relinquish your future earning power. There's rarely a way back. As for caring about what they think? Don't.

[ChippingInLatteLover]

I understand why you care and I understand why they will care.

It's not just 'A job' it's a partnership.

As you say, it's rare for a woman to be chosen for this job and rare for the life partners, of the business partners, to have careers as well.

...and this is exactly why.

I personally think you would be foolish to throw away what you have there and I don't think, if you do it, you will realise for a while what you have actually given up. By then, it will be too late to do anything about it. Also, having done what you would have done, you aren't going to bo considered a suitable candidate for this sort of opportunity again.

This is your life and you must do what is right for you, but I'd implore you to think about this very, very hard. I think that you possibly don't fully realise what you are giving up long term, forever.

[UmizoomiThis]

And, best advice given to me by a Partner ( in a job where I was made to feel like I was part of the "company family" and prioritied my work over my social life)....

It's just business.

[Jbop]

How compatible would both your job be with family life and what would your plans be if you fell pregnant/ had a baby?

[HarryConnickSenior]

In an ideal world Curly, but we're ttc and I'm 40 so can't take 6 months out from that! My notice period is 6 months anyway.

Yes, Simon I am sure that he would have no problem doing the same if the roles were reversed. But as it is he loves his job and I find mine pretty hard going sometimes. Would welcome a change actually. So this is not just us tossing a coin to see who makes the sacrifice and me losing out.

[oneowlgirl]

I don't think it matters what your employers think, but I do think you should consider very carefully what you're giving up.

The idea of your DH going ahead of you for 6 months is a good one as he'll get time to get settled & see if he likes it etc & could potentially scope out jobs for you??

FWIW, I've a couple of friends who gave up their jobs to support their husbands careers (after they'd had children as they found both parents working to be difficult) & 2 of them are now going through divorces & are on such terrible positions financially that they totally regret it. I'm not saying that would happen to you at all, but just to think everything through & ensure it's the right decision for you as well as him.

[forago]

you may need them for a reference so I wouldn't just up and leave, a 3/6 month transition period as someone suggested might well be a good idea.

I'd never burn bridges, there's a lot of life to come yet, family etc and things can change enormously.

[BathtimeFunkster]

I think you are crazy to give up a lucrative career that you have worked hard for just because your husband is going to be made redundant.

From what you say it sounds like you will destroy your professional reputation with this move.

I actually can't believe that anyone who loves you would let you make that decision just so they can move for their "dream job".

You have your dream job.

It is much, much, much harder for women to get into a position like yours, and you are going to walk away from it so you can follow your husband around?

When you don't even have children?!

There are loads of ways around his problem (and it is his job that is being lost here) other than you making yourself dependent on him, possibly permanently.

Seriously, your life matters. Your job, your career, your earning potential, your ability matter.

[Foolishlady]

If you're a lawyer (only guessing) you surely should find new work fairly easy in London. My only concern is the ttc bit - I would prefer to be in a job, going on maternity leave rather than being unemployed when pregnant. But I wouldn't worry about what your current employers think - your maternity leave would be disruptive to their plans anyway!

[forago]

just read about your notice period, sobthstvfine, work the 6 months, help them transition, use the time to find a job in London. the TTC makes it tricky if course so if I were you I'd just see which happens first. does he have to go straight away? isn't that going to make the TTC tricky? or are you close enough to fly back and forth?

[RitaOrange]

People leave all the time and swap careers etc unrealistic to expect someone to remain forever.
Where has the OP stated she is leaving with a "two finger attitude" Summer she sounds concerned, overly so I would say.


Im more worried that you are "sacrificing" your career for your DHs -Why?

[Lillianbellamy]

Yanbu. But you are living through the change in status and public role that you will go through when you leave work.

I had a similar situation - I decided that I would have a prolonged handover and manage the succession process. In the end, I knew it had worked when I realised I was no longer needed and my replacement was doing fine. The surprise was how bad this was for my ego, and also it was not great for my reputation - I overstayed my usefulness (which was my plan) which meant that at a certain point the company realised they didn't need me (also my plan). But looking back perhaps I should have made them more aware of the plan!

I left and had a baby. When I was ttc I was focussed on the idea of pregnancy and babyhood, and in retospect completely underestimated how much and how soon I would want a challenging role again. It worked out fine for me but my advice to you would be to build as many contact as possible from the old business, and to make sure you have a new role before you go on maternity leave.

Your relationships with your colleagues is important and worth preserving very carefully. Whatever you do in the future, you are likely I need their advice or contacts in the future

[ApocalypseThen]

What has your husband offered to do to secure your financial independence should the worst happen? I assume that's something you've discussed?