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AIBU?

To feel a bit miffed about paying maintenance??

342 replies

phoenixrose314 · 31/01/2015 07:34

My DH and I recently set up a joint bank account for the first time. We've been together for 8 years, married for 5 of them, and finally decided to sort out finances so we're equally paying the same amount, as at the moment we're making around the same amount of money.

He gave me the number he'd calculated that I need to transfer to the joint account each month to cover all our bills - I asked him to do it as he had a day off and he's a lot better at maths than I am. It seemed a bit steep so I asked to see the list of calculations - he handed them over and I was a bit surprised to see that he'd included his child maintenance payments for my DSS and DSD in amongst the rest of the outgoings for each month.

Now I love my stepchildren to bits, they spend a lot of time at ours and I do contribute by buying their gifts at birthdays and Christmases (DH is usually stumped for ideas!), and am always taking them for days out and buying them the odd thing when we're out and about... We have a great relationship and we've luckily never had any issues. THAT I am happy to do.

Am I being unreasonable to assume that I shouldn't contribute to DH's maintenance payments? I want to bring it up but have a slight feeling DH will overreact/be really moody with me for it.

OP posts:
Artandco · 31/01/2015 07:36

I would pay tbh, any money is joint money here. And maintainence has to be paid in your family so is a monthly expense

Quitelikely · 31/01/2015 07:36

If all money went into one pot and it was shared then I would say fine but as it's not then I don't see why you should have to pay for his dc!

Is it a large amount?

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 31/01/2015 07:37

Well it's a matter of opinion but I think yabu. I think when you're in a relationship you should burden all things together were possible..unless paying this for example leaves you with less spare money than him.

VivaLeBeaver · 31/01/2015 07:39

I think yanbu. He needs to take the maintenance figure out and pay that himself.

Alya81 · 31/01/2015 07:40

Of course you should not pay. They are his children and his responsibility. I am shocked that PP posters think otherwise.

MisForMumNotMaid · 31/01/2015 07:40

My thoughts would be all general current child spending and gifts should be from household budget but the maintenance should be from his budget.

Does arranging things this way leave him more comfortably off than you?

Fairylea · 31/01/2015 07:41

I think yabu. Surely all incoming and outgoings are family money and you should have the same spending money? That's how we do things anyway. I have dd aged 12 from my first marriage and ds 2.8 from this one and dh and I put all our money into one pot and dd is entitled to just as much of it as ds (obviously they both live with us).

MuttonCadet · 31/01/2015 07:41

I think it should be excluded, but then I paid DH maintenance for 18 months when he was out of work so it's more of a "do what I say rather than do what I do".

WeldedParentMaterials · 31/01/2015 07:41

I don't think that's right. His children, his responsibility. He should pay and have that amount less in "spending money".

Krytes42 · 31/01/2015 07:41

YABU. It's a mandatory expense for your family.

gamerchick · 31/01/2015 07:44

I wouldn't be paying it. Is it a lot?

Fairylea · 31/01/2015 07:44

To put a spin on this my ex dh is remarried to someone quite wealthy and he is now a sahd to their twins. We still receive maintenance for dd, a reasonable amount, despite the fact he isn't earning as such, only she is (and I say that as a sahm myself). In your scenario I shouldn't receive any money because the wife shouldn't pay?

Alya81 · 31/01/2015 07:45

Fairylea, does your daughter's father not pay any maintenance?

Vivacia · 31/01/2015 07:45

I can see why you both agreed for him to do it, but I think it'd be best to go through the decisions together.

BrainyMess · 31/01/2015 07:45

He's taking the piss.
The maintenance should be paid from his money not yours.

needaholidaynow · 31/01/2015 07:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GoldfishCrackers · 31/01/2015 07:46

If they lived with you would the cost of their upkeep be paid solely by your DH? Seems like the same thing.

Jennifersrabbit · 31/01/2015 07:47

Think you need to have a talk. It might or might not be fair depending on the underlying philosophy of what you're doing.

DH and I have always had entirely joint finances, so it goes into a pot, and all expenses are shared. If he suddenly produced some children we had to pay maintenance for then that would be joint.

However it sounds like you and your DH have decided that there are some expenses which are shared and others which are your own individual responsibility. What is DH doing for example about running his own car, work expenses, buying his own clothes?

Think you just need to talk this over. May be that as you clearly share the practical responsibility of raising dsc he assumed this would extend to finances as well.

Balaboosta · 31/01/2015 07:47

I'm more concerned that you say he would be "moody or overreact". Thiis isn't sounding like a situation in which the lines of communication are clear and open. A - you should feel able to raise ANY concern you may have. B - you shouldn't be feeling fearful of his reaction. Is there a wider context to this?

BrainyMess · 31/01/2015 07:48

To add you are not legally or morally obliged to contribute to maintenance.

Alya81 · 31/01/2015 07:49

X-post fairylea. Why do you think someone else should pay for your children?

jenniuol · 31/01/2015 07:49

Yanbu. He needs to pay the maintenance first before any joint calculations.

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Longdistance · 31/01/2015 07:49

Yanbu. He shouldn't have included maintenance of his dc in the calculation, when you are paying bills already. It's his responsibility to pay, not yours.

MillionToOneChances · 31/01/2015 07:50

I think I would see it as reasonable to share the cost, as it's a fixed monthly expenditure. It would seem unfair for him to have less money than you every month if you're both earning the same.

I think you need to talk about how you're going to handle the finances related to them, as otherwise with buying their Christmas and birthday gifts from your own account you're like it to end up spending more on them than he does. Tricky conversation though, tread carefully.

needaholidaynow · 31/01/2015 07:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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