About sleepover for DS

[caledonianclown]

DS is 6. His dad and I split up when he was 3 and we have shared custody, he stays with his dad 2 nights in the week and every other weekend Friday to Sunday.

He has been invited for a sleepover at a school friends house tonight, when he is meant to be at his Dad's. XH and I both know and are friends with the parents and I know he would love to go. XH has said no because it is "his" night. DS is obviously disappointed and of course I'm the one who has had to try and justify it to him because I'm the one who takes him to school every day and has to field the questions from him and his friends. I'm really pissed off, think it's very selfish of XH to stop DS seeing his friend because he wants to spend an hour with him this evening. XH doesn't get back from work until 6.15 and DS is in bed at 7.30 so it's not like they would get a lot of quality time together this evening anyway.

Am I being unreasonable to say something to him about this or should I just stay out of it? I'm worried that this will happen more often as DS gets older and it feels really unfair. He also has previously refused to take DS to friend's birthday parties on his weekends even though they have no other plans, and it's always me who has to explain to DS

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

Could you tell your ds that you will re-arrange the sleepover for your next weekend?

Given that he doesn't have much time with his ds as it is, I can understand why he doesn't want to lose any of it.

That said, I do think it would be useful if you could have a chat with him, in general terms, about parties, and try to get him to see how much it means to your ds to go to these parties, and how it upsets him if he can't go.

[TheFecklessFairy]

How can OP 're-arrange the sleepover' SDT? Surely that is down to the parent having the sleepover?

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

She could offer a sleepover at her house, or explain to the other parent that her son has to go to his dad's that weekend, and the dad is being difficult, and ask if the sleepover could be a different night. Of course the other mum doesn't have to say yes, but surely no-one would object to the OP asking?

[Goldmandra]

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect his dad to accommodate his social activities, especially as he has him for almost 50% of the time.

However, I think this is something you need to leave him and his dad to sort out. Keep handing over the invitations for parties and sleepovers that happen during his contact with his dad and be prepared to try to re-arrange whatever you can for your time when he refuses.

As your DS gets older, he will realise that you aren't the one stopping him doing these things and take it up with his dad when he feels ready.

It's a shame but you can't be responsible for your ex's poor parenting decisions.

[Purplepoodle]

Could u give him one of your weekend nights then following week?

[cathpip]

Personally I would justify it by telling your ds "sorry you are at your dad's tonight/weekend and this is his decision". Why be the bad guy, let his dad explain why he can't go.......

[MMcanny]

What cathpip said. Maybe DH is not happy at the thought of a sleepover at 6 - I'm still not and my eldest is 11.

[caledonianclown]

I've spoken to the other mum and rearranged it for during half term when he is with me. Just so frustrating! I could almost understand if he only had him eow but he has almost half and half and it's always me who arranges social things during my time with DS because otherwise he wouldn't get to do anything ever!

[BarbarianMum]

If he had him eow I would understand him refusal but in this sitution I think it's mean. I think you should keep out of it though - but in future tell him/friendsparents to speak directly to his dad about it.

[BackforGood]

Think it depends if it's just him and his mate, and you can just arrange something with the Mum on any night, or if it were for the other boy's birthday or part of a bigger "do" - in which case I think exdh should accommodate him - or, if it bothered him that much, maybe you could lffer one of the nights he sleeps at yours ?

This is only going to become more of a 'thing' though as he gets older, so why not have a bit of a chat about it now - the principle of it, rather than this occasion.... what if he wants to join a football team or go on a cub camp or whatever, how is that going to work between you? Have a think now before it becomes about a specific weekend.