What Can you Get For £400,000?

[SallySal]

(Name-changer). Said by PIL. While they can be very kind, its kind of indicative of their attitude. They were talking about selling their house (I'm not sure why) but they don't want to downsize or move out of the area, so apparently theres no point.

But more seriously, the issue is that they treat me and increasingly DH too as if we are some kind of black sheep. It seems to be based on my not always working full time in my profession (because I run a business too), and us having to do up our own home, because we can't afford to go out and buy a £400,000 house straight off. (so it must be my fault for having periods in my life where I wasn't working full time I think, according to them).

Basically they look down on us. For instance, I do now have a very good job, having done the graft in the early years with short term contracts, etc, and earn nearly £50,000 a year. I am doing an MBA in the evenings, on top of my job, yet MIL describes me as a "student". When I was between contracts for 2 months, with something else lined up, and living off my savings, FIL described me as "unemployed now" and suggested I should get a job at the local supermarket. There have been various passive aggressive remarks suggesting that I sponge off DH, when what actually happens is that I pay half the mortgage and provided all the deposit for our current home. They have been told this countless times, but simply refuse to believe it.

What gets me is that neither of them have had exactly stellar careers - they didn't have university degrees, had reasonable jobs and benefitted from multiple inheritances and lucrative early retirement packages. DH's siblings were both given large chunks of cash to buy their homes (they deny it but DH's brothers told us), and both SILs work part-time. They seem to me to be very money-oriented and assess people coming into their family solely in terms of what money they can bring into it. Like they expect a dowry or something (both SILs parents also provided large cash deposits).

They are nice people, most of the time, but theres also been some rude messages sent making aspersions on my character and motives, and I dread going to family gatherings now as I feel I get picked on, and can't answer back because of politeness constraints. I just feel myself not wanting to visit them any more, and I'm sick of being painted as some kind of useless slattern - I've always been quite a high achiever, and its not something I'm used to. Even DH has noticed it and feels the same way. What to do? The more I drop contact (already not frequent), the more I get painted by them as some kind of money-grabbing incompetent.

[cailindana]

Your DH needs to have a word with them.

If you don't want to see them you don't have to.

Having said that, I would think you should feel very proud of yourself and feel sorry for them that they are so bound up and insecure that they can't appreciate someone beyond their worth in money terms.

[Pprice]

Same with my family, mum never worked and both me and dh have far better jobs than my dad ever had. They just won the pension and housing lottery and bought several buy to let's. They think they earnt all this wealth but they didn't at all. Pure luck.

Dad has a high end sports car and has a Mercedes just to go the few miles to the golf course but often uses his free bus pass so the car doesn't get scratched in town.

I just try to laugh it off.

[HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway]

What has your husband said to them? Has he told them to pack it in? He's told them that their perception of you is completely incorrect, has he told them that actually, you put down more money than he did?

Regarding politeness, you absolutely can answer back. If they raise a subject then they obviously don't feel it impolite to discuss it, so imo you would be perfectly free to put them right - in front of the same people they feel it's ok to say things to you - take your cue from them. They are ok with it - why shouldn't you be?

I don't mean be nasty about it, but just calmly and politely say actually, you are mistaken because X is the accurate situation, isn't it DH... or better still agree with your husband that he will be the one to say to be honest, I think you have the wrong end of the stick here because the truth is that...

I don't think that they can be both nice people and rude liars passing nasty messages and looking down on you. Those are too contradictory to both be able to be true.

I suspect that what you call 'niceness' is an absence at that moment of nasty comments. That's not the same thing.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

Did they give you and your DH money towards your house purchase too? If not, maybe you DH should bring that up the next time they make a comment. When they ask why you don't have a bigger house or whatever perhaps he could remind them that they didn't help him out unlike his brothers.

[Sister77]

Bugger the polite constraints op! They have!
Be prepared, say something along the lines of "because we don't choose to tell you our financial business doesn't mean you have to make them up."
And as a pp says make sure they are aware you know they helped your BILs.
Knock it on the head or you'll never hear the end of it and it will erode at your self worth (if your like me).

[SallySal]

We absolutely don't want any money off them! The feeling of independence is something money can't buy. (although I'm guessing the amounts the others got were very large since they all live in £400,000 houses too, which their salaries would in no way support). Its impossible to raise the issue with them as a rejoinder to their passive aggressive remarks, as they (a) deny having done it (b) get very vague, change the subject and then get all bossy and controlling or (c) FIL starts repeated questioning on how we got our deposit, doesn't wait for an answer, talks over you and says things like "so you've made a smart move marrying into this family, haven't you?" and walks off. MIL will then announce that they don't get into blame or arguments "in this house" and ignore us.

And no, DH has never, ever stood up to them. Its a big step forward for him I think to actually notice how rude they are to me. I find them all a bit odd actually.

They seem to be getting worse. They used to be more constrained in what they said to me. Its like an insidious campaign on their part. Another typical remark by FIL is saying I went to a sink school, known for producing criminals and drop outs, when he knows perfectly well that I went to a private school for the last two years of my education. Its as if they are always trying to find out some mystery in my background, to prove some point, when in reality all I've ever done is boringly gone to university and got a job. Maybe they think I am covering something up, some kind of criminal past, or a criminal in the family. They certainly act that way.

[OneFlewOverTheDodosNest]

The issue here is your DH not standing up for you when he hears them say these things.

I would be absolutely raging to have worked hard for a house deposit only for someone to then imply that I "married into" an easy life.

[toddlerwrangling]

These people are unbelievably rude, OP! I don't think you can win here. Can you see them less/completely change the subject when it's brought up? Your FIL sounds borderline unhinged. Does he behave in that way to other people or do they think that they can do this to you because you're family?

[minibmw2010]

I'd be tempted to say 'you mean DH married well - after all I provided the deposit for our house' and walk off ...

[TheRealMaryMillington]

They are NOT nice people, OP, they are either mad/delusional or horrible and bullying

I would insist that DH fights your corner and refuse to spend any time with them until they Just Stop It. I would not want any child of mine to be influence by such materialistic values and negativity about me. DH needs to sort it out. Now.

[TwelveLeggedWalk]

Do you have kids?

If you do - or you're planning to, you need to sort this out. They may never like/accept you, but you and DH need to be and present a united front if your kids are ever to have a relationship with their GPs.

If you don't and are not planning to, then frankly I'd stop bothering with them, they sound intolerably rude.

[rednailsredheart]

Next time he says the "you've made a smart move marrying into this family haven't you" call after him "If getting married was such a calculated thing on my part, why on EARTH would I have chosen YOU as an in law?"

Then walk off.

Two can play at that game.

[CornChips]

Bloody hell OP. What arses. I recall the first time I met some of DH's extended family (they are quite well off, but are reasonably posh and think that it really matters) one of his cousins looked me up and down and commented 'You've fallen on your feet, haven't you'. DH responded by putting his arm around me and saying 'Yes I have haven't I?'.

[DaisyChain87]

Hi OP, I feel your pain! My in-laws have been very unkind about numerous things- but the main thing is money. Apparently I am only with their son because he earns a decent wage/ had his own house when we met.

This is despite me also earning a good wage (only £5 a year less than him!), and having my own flat when we met.

We are actually nc with them now. My advice would be to politely say that you aren't prepared to discuss your finances with them. Reasoning with them clearly isn't getting you anywhere. You don't need to tell them anything. You love their son, and their son loves you. That should be enough for them- if it isn't, then you maybe need to look at having a serious conversation with them, or maybe even going nc for a while.

Sorry that you are going through this :(

[HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway]

"so you've made a smart move marrying into this family, haven't you?"
sweep your eyes from his head to his feet and in a monotone say "not really"

Or fantasise about doing that if it makes you feel better

Practise saying this "I am sorry if that is your perception of things"

[HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway]

"we don't get into blame or arguments in this house"
"stop starting them then"

[Hatespiders]

They sound beyond redemption op. I wouldn't tangle with them, I wouldn't answer back, I wouldn't stand up for myself, because I just wouldn't have anything more to do with them whatsoever.
Since your dh seems reluctant to stop this verbal abuse, I'd advise going nc.
He can go and visit them if he so wishes. But you are under no obligation ever to clap eyes on them again.
I should make this abundantly clear to him. Non-negotiable. You're finished with your PIL.

[felkov]

If it were me I'd just reduce contact to the bare minimum. My FIL is a tactless curmudgeon who we see once a year for politeness sake only. IMHO your money is none of their business. They sound quite insecure as a pp said.

if you want to have some fun maybe you could pretend to have won the lottery next time you have to see them

[SallySal]

DaisyChain and Pprice you could actually be describing them.

Oh dear, they do sound awful. I have obviously only described their faults, we have had some nice times there, but either they have got worse or I have taken a long time to realise what they are doing. Its unrelenting, they are obsessed with being on some mission to somehow prove I am a bad person in terms of being money-grabbing or something else, I don't know what. Its difficult to pin point because its very insidious, but I have heard other people saying the same things about them.

Its true that they are obsessed by money, and inheritance. They seem to see people in terms of what they can get out of them. They have fallen out with most of the other members of their family because of this. Its a shame, because they are basically nice, decent people, and MIL was very hard working, but it puts me off spending time with them. Its just not pleasant. FIL is a lazy sod. He took extremely early retirement and has basically sat around on his backside for the past 30 years.

I have not once heard them say anything nice about what even their own son (along with my help) has done in his career, or doing up our house (which has been a massive amount of work, much of which we have done on our own to save money). I do think they actually look down on us because we didn't pay someone else to do it - they seem to think because I "have such a big fancy job surely I would be able to" pay people to do stuff instead of doing it myself. When my car battery went flat and I needed a jump start, they wouldn't help because "I should have taken my car to a garage", even though they were just a few miles away on that day.

hatespiders you are absolutely right. And I really don't want to visit them any more. I have given them a couple of light but obvious warnings - they didn't go down well. Any verbal comebacks just descend into either passive aggressiveness, me being accused of being argumentative, or a sort of juvenile delinquent style response by them where they don't wait for a reply and keep firing senseless questions at you ("why didn't you..." "so if you are so clever, why don't you...". I have no idea why they pick on me - surely most PIL would be pleased to have a solvent, well educated DIL. I think it might be a combination of me not being local and being a bit better educated than them, which challenges their view of them being some kind of rich bastions of society (I get lots of snide remarks about being "your university education". Its like they are always trying to catch me out.

[HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway]

You keep saying they are nice and then describing all the ways in which they are horrible!

what's nice about them?

[Babycham1979]

OP, they sound like typically insecure lower middle-class mediocrities. This species proliferates, particularly among the baby-boomer generation, and likes to gather around the country's suburban hinterland. They make their nests with the proceeds of unearned wealth, usually from inheritance and/or rising house-prices and gold-plated pensions.

They are notable for their apparent smugness and their total lack of awareness of real-world, real people's problems. Despite having done very little to acquire their material wealth, their behaviour is characterised by a sense of entitlement, and like to hold-forth at length on how 'hard' they've worked for what they have.

Despite superficial appearances, this species is deeply unnerved by the insecurity of their position. They are wracked by the sneaking suspicion that they really don't deserve what they have, and are often kept awake at night with the realisation of how insecure their position really is.

This is exacerbated by the fact that they are obsessed with their social status, but cannot define this by anything other than a list of their possessions. They are often plagued with paranoia that they are actually not 'U', and can be seen regularly attempting to assert their superiority by belittling those who intimidate them; particularly those they suspect of being truly 'U'.

[Hatespiders]

Well SallySal one of the best pieces of advice I ever had was from my wise old Irish aunt. It was "Don't engage". If a situation is beyond repair and people are highly unlikely to change, rather than fighting one's corner and thinking up smart, defensive strategies and put-downs, it's far far better in the long run to simply walk away, ignore and forget. That way one saves oneself a whole lot of what we in Norfolk call 'squit'!

[Downtheroadfirstonleft]

Well said Babycham!

Could you ask them "why are you being so rude?" every time they are. They sound like bullies (maybe through insecurity) and may do it less if you stand up to them.

Good luck!

[SallySal]

Downtheroad Could you ask them "why are you being so rude?" every time they are.

Tried that. Their response is mock shock and a hissed "We're not being rude, you are. You are the rude person here, you said this/you did that" etc.. Told you they had the juvenile delinquent act down to a T! Strangely, they actually pride themselves on being "non-confrontational" which actually seems to mean they are allowed to be rude to people without them answering back.

babycham thanks for that, gave me a good laugh. That is them really! They have to keep up the act to convince themselves I guess. They just don't seem comfortable with themselves.

HowCanIMissYou niceness in terms of they speak to me and don't ignore me I guess, and you always want to think the best of people, don't you? I've only said the bad things, most of the time they are being perfectly reasonable, its just that they drop these "bombs".

HateSpiders ignoring their rudeness just seems to encourage them to ramp it up. I do agree with you that NC is the way forward. DH can see them on his own if he likes.

Oh gawd, I've married into a nightmare family, haven't I? I see some of their attitude in DH...

[SallySal]

But its not unusual, is it? I mean they aren't especially bad - lots of people have problems with their PIL don't they? Especially when they are a DIL.