This has been going on for a few months now: DD (21 months) can be really possessive about toys, and is THAT child who snatches them out of other childs hands. It doesn't matter whether she is at home (with a child coming over to our house to play with her toys), at a friends house (playing with toys that belong to another child) or a playgroup (communal toys that belong to no-one), the behaviour is the same. I first noticed it at a playgroup several months back where there were 4 virtually identical buggies and every time another child started playing with one of the buggies, even if DD was already playing with another one, she would take the buggy off that child.
I have tried:
- hiding her most favourite toys (on playdates at our house) so that the toys on offer are not her treasured ones (makes no difference)
- distracting her with another toy (she just wants what is in another child's hands, I believe it is less about the toy and more about the 'taking away' if that makes sense)
*taking the toy off her whilst telling her it is not how we behave/the toys are for everyone to play with/she can have a turn when the other child has finished (results in screaming and tantrums. If this repeats, I remove her from the environment).
*supervising closely to see if this is something that the 2 children can resolve between them (usually results in either the other child letting her have the toy, them picking up another toy and her doing the same again, ad infinitum, or the other child holding on tightly and DD pitching a screaming tantrum anyway), intervening if there's pushing or screaming.
I try to just provide a safe space when the tantrum starts (ie not massively kissy, fussy 'poor poor baby' etc but just stay close and hold her)
What else?
DD is still preverbal although I suspect understands quite a lot, does not use words, so I suspect a lot of the screaming is about the frustration of not being allowed to deprive another child of their toys! I'm trying to see the situation from her point of view, is it that she thinks she won't get the toys back ever, is she copying something she has seen others do (I've been wracking my brains for when I have taken things out of her hands but they have usually been the odd occasion she found a -blunt- knife, plugged in chargers or cups she has nabbed or things that I am trying to instil are not her toys, like our mobile phones, and telling her why I am taking them off her), is she experimenting with cause and effect - what happens when I . . . -, or a way of initiating social interaction?
Initially I put this down to just being a stage of development, but does it really go on for months?
I know I need to respond to this consistently but am unsure of the best approach and find playdates and play groups incredibly stressful, rather than chilling out with a cuppa and getting to know some other mums (new to this area) I'm the heli-mum I never wanted to be. Part of me wants her to be able to resolve this with other kids while the other part of me think is she is too young without expressive language. Same former part of me thinks that she will never learn to resolve this whilst I am stepping in and being the toy fascist, same latter part thinks that I look like a slack parent if I am not 'seen to be doing something about her behaviour'. I know the 'embarrassment' is all my own based on social expectations of how we behave that she has yet to learn and totally own that.
She is an only child (so far), is generally happy and seemingly confident in playgroups and in approaching other children of all ages in any environment, and behaviour seems to be slightly worse when tired, she just keeps repeating until I take her home (which my gut tells me is not what she is angling for, as she seems to LOVE being out and about) so I get her home for a nap as most things we do now seem to be in the morning. I am a SAHM so getting out is also good for me (I have hermitty-tendencies left to my own devices) and I know she needs to have social experiences to get past this 'stage' but god, when will that end? (And I know, on to the next hairpulling thing. It doesn't end, does it?). Hiding out at home until the 'stage' is over is not the answer, I know (and how will I know its over if we don't 'go there')
She has always been able to play or be entertained by something when out, whether its toys or not, and people have remarked on how mellow and easy-going she is, which she generally is.
I guess this is less of an AIBU, feel free to move to Parenting if thats more appropriate, but god that was cathartic. Would appreciate your thoughts/suggestions/what you did if your child did this?
