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AIBU?

to not want your child to cuddle mine after just hurting them?

187 replies

RocketInMyPocket · 27/01/2015 11:52

I have a really good friend, she's lovely to be around, but when it comes to the kids some things give me the rage.
Her dd is 6 months older than mine, and can sometimes be a bit spiteful (snatching pushing smacking) . My dd will be 4 in August, hers 4 in Feb.
I have taught my kids from an early age that any violent behaviour is simply not acceptable, and they don't hit snatch pinch etc.
So her dd smacked mine over a toy. My dd was crying, saying 'Mummy, x smacked me', her dd lied and said she didn't even though we saw her. When I said, X, I saw you do it, she proceeded to scream bloody murder.
My friend picked her daughter up, said ok calm down, give Rockets dd a cuddle and say sorry. She was screaming, shaking her head no, lashing out with arms and legs.
The say sorry part was quickly dropped, and was just turned into give a cuddle.
At that point she tried to cuddle my dd, (who had stopped crying by now, but was still sniffling on my lap), and my dd immediately started crying again as soon as she came near her.
Friend said oh she's trying to be nice to you and give you a cuddle to say sorry. And pulled at sad face at my dd. I said something along the lines of, sorry dd only cuddles people who are nice to her, not people who hit her and make her cry.
Friend kind of gave me an odd look, put her dd down and said, oh well she doesn't want a cuddle.
I was just so fucked off that she put the onus on MY dd, pulling sad faces etc when she hadn't even mentioned her dds hitting, lying and then thrashing and screaming apart from saying basically go and upset the girl you've just walloped by making her cuddle you when she quite frankly doesn't want you near her.
Friend left soon after.
What would you have done? I enjoy my friends company obviously, but don't really want her dd near my two, as it's not an isolated incident, and my 2 get a bit confused when she behaves badly, and nothing is done, when they would obviously be punished.
Sorry for such long winded post, but I hope you understand what I'm saying!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 27/01/2015 11:56

What would I have done?

Nothing really. You quite rightly pointed out to the child that you saw what she did. Her Mum tried to get her to apologise and make up for her behaviour.

Your DD was having none of it (understandably), so I would have left it at that and moved on.

They're only little. They're still learning and they have a long way to go yet.

WorraLiberty · 27/01/2015 11:58

Oh and this bit...

and my 2 get a bit confused when she behaves badly, and nothing is done, when they would obviously be punished.

That's something they're going to have to get used to for the rest of their childhoods.

People parent differently.

NameChangeForNameChange · 27/01/2015 11:59

Your friends DD is not spiteful, she's 3.

Your friend did pretty much what I would have done in the same circumstances. Sometimes physical behaviour here attracts a timeout, but it would depend on how bad - there are smacks, and snacks...

Your DD is, of course, entitled to to not want to be cuddled, but your friend was not at fault in suggesting it.

airforsharon · 27/01/2015 12:01

What would YOU have done if your dd had been the one doing the hitting?

In an ideal world your friends dd would have quietened down straight away, said sorry and that would've been that. Actually I think your friends reaction wasn't that bad - she did try and encourage an apology, or a 'making up' cuddle in lieu of one...sometimes dcs just don't co-operate and making a big thing out of it - refusing to budge until her dd apologised maybe - would've just caused more screaming and dragged the whole thing out.

Maybe she did reprimand her dd when she got home?

Goldmandra · 27/01/2015 12:05

A three year old is mature enough to understand that hitting is unacceptable and be told she would have to go home if it happened again. If the mother didn't make any effort at all to get this message across, she WBU and things aren't going to get better.

Apologies and cuddles are pretty meaningless so I wouldn't have bothered with either.

BarbarianMum · 27/01/2015 12:11

What you are describing - hitting and lying about it - is perfectly normal (albeit undesirable ) behaviour for a small child and your friend's reaction is also within the bounds of normal.

If your dd doesn't want to cuddle fine. If you don't want to socialise with children who behave differently from your own, or people who parent differently from you, then don't do so. But I wouldn't be too quick to take credit for your dd's behaviour if I were you.

AllThreeWays · 27/01/2015 12:16

"I have taught my kids from an early age that any violent behaviour is simply not acceptable, and they don't hit snatch pinch etc."

Bully for you, some kids do, some kids don't, it sounds like you think you have taught your children better, whereas in reality, the children just have different personalities. I think the other mother dealt with it quite well(with the exception of the sad face pulling) whereas I think you sounded quite rude in your response

CaffeLatteIceCream · 27/01/2015 12:20

Sorry, DD only cuddles people who are nice to her etc FFS - they are 3! Why would you say such a PA thing to a toddler?

Little children do this sometimes, I'm afraid...it doesn't make them spiteful. Suggesting an apology and a cuddle is perfectly fine, and your DD's right not to want a cuddle is also fine. No need for you to say what you did.

Goldmandra · 27/01/2015 12:21

To be fair to the OP, the other mother did nothing to teach her child that her aggressive behaviour was unacceptable. She just asked her to cuddle her upset friend and she won't necessarily make that link herself.

MoanCollins · 27/01/2015 12:23

I think your comment towards the daughter went beyond the bounds of reasonableness into snidey/gloaty. You could have phrased it in a manner which got your point across without seeming quite as superior as the way you did. It's not a nice experience but she is 3, she's still learning. You're an adult and should know better than retaliating so childishly.

dragdownthemoon · 27/01/2015 12:23

Honestly? It sounds like normal behaviour for a 3yr old and I wouldnt "punish" it either. I have been on both sides, the calm sweet child who gets whacked by another kid, and the whacked attacking all the other children. And when my kid was the whacky I probably would have done similar to your friend, picked my child up to calm them down and then talk to them about what they did. 3yr olds fight over toys, it's really, really normal.

Can I ask what "punishment" you would use for a 3yr old wanting another child's toy? I personally don't do punishments, ive never used time out or anything like that, so I am genuinely not sure what other parents would expect from me in that situation.

I do agree that your daughter shouldn't have to hug another kid if she doesn't want to, but I have been guilty of doing this on occasion, along the lines of using our hands to be kind (hugs) and not unkind (hitting), - I can see how this might not be appropriate and I wouldn't be annoyed with the other child if they didnt want to be hugged.

We encounter different parenting all the time, I think kids need to get used to it.

Frusso · 27/01/2015 12:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 27/01/2015 12:24

She just asked her to cuddle her upset friend and she won't necessarily make that link herself.

She asked her to apologise as well though, and as you said yourself, 3yrs old is old enough to know that hitting is wrong.

LadyLuck10 · 27/01/2015 12:25

Is this a friend of yours because you seem very bitchy about her and her child. She is 3! You seem childish yourself with your pa comment towards a child.

slithytove · 27/01/2015 12:28

I'd say with a birthday within the next 4 weeks the other dd is 4 not 3.

Old enough to know hitting is wrong. Old enough to be punished for the hit.

I got the impression that op told her friend that Dd only cuddles nice people, not the other child.

Don't see anything wrong with it. I tell Ds that if he hits no one will like him cos it hurts.

Op was right friend was wrong.

jonicomelately · 27/01/2015 12:30

Nobody likes seeing their dc being hurt but the other child's behaviour is pretty normal.

Jbop · 27/01/2015 12:30

Your "dd only cuddles people who are nice" comment was unnecessary and probably came across as really superior. For that YABU.

thornyhousewife · 27/01/2015 12:30

I think you were unreasonable and if I were your friend I'd have been annoyed at you.

When my kid got smacked/a toy snatched I would reassure the other mother who was usually embarrassed! I would also not make a huge fuss of my daughter because it is a normal thing to happen and I wouldn't want her to feel alienated from her friends.

Now I have a two year old who snatches and pushes and it me who is embarrassed and apologising! Thankfully people are usually reasonable but if a friend made the same comment you did I would think they were a tosser.

ElsaMoFoQueen · 27/01/2015 12:30

Sorry, DD only cuddles people who are nice to her etc

I don't think you should have said that, shes only 3.

Your friend could have done more but I guess that's just her parenting style.

It sounds like you really don't like the 3 year old very much. I'd stop hanging out with both if it was causing this much upset.

slithytove · 27/01/2015 12:30

Ds is in a hitting phase, it's horrible. He is nearly 2.

That is still no excuse and when he hits, he is told off and removed from the situation. He is non verbal but still has to say sorry in his own way (hand stroke) and if another child didn't want that I would explain that to him.

I also apologise on his behalf.

I would never let myself appear to be not doing anything, even if I'm ineffectual.

WorraLiberty · 27/01/2015 12:31

God if she gave the 'only cuddles nice people' line to her friend, that would be even worse.

slithytove · 27/01/2015 12:32

Tbh if a friends dc hurt my kid, didn't apologise and then tried to make my kid feel bad for not cuddling the hitter, I'd have more to say than the op did.

Whats wrong with saying she doesn't cuddle poeple who hit her? Seems sensible!

Thurlow · 27/01/2015 12:33

Asking a child to say sorry and give the child they've hurt a cuddle is pretty standard imo. Though if the hurt child doesn't want a cuddle then the parents shouldn't force it - the hurt child has every right to back away from a cuddle.

Agree with this Friends child was encouraged to apologise and hug and make up. And you encouraged your Dd to throw it back in her face.

As a parent, you should be encouraging your DD to accept an apology. If she doesn't want to cuddle fine, but you shouldn't then be reinforcing to your DD the idea that she should sulk and not interact with a child who has offered an apology.

Kids hit and bite and throw tantrums, it's what they do. Every parent will parent differently. Some would do time out for that, others will just encourage an apology. It's insanely annoying when you're with a parent who doesn't do anything - but your friend did something on this occasion.

WorraLiberty · 27/01/2015 12:34

That would be sensible indeed, but it wasn't what she said.

IWillOnlyEatBeans · 27/01/2015 12:34

YANBU about the cuddling thing. My DS found physical contact from other children really upsetting (he still does now, at 4.11) so being hit followed by being cuddled/kissed would have been his worse nightmare! When he was younger I would just step in and say to the child 'ahh that's ok, but thanks for trying'. No he's older he just says he doesn't want a cuddle himself.

However, your response about only cuddling nice people was totally U and I can see why your friend gave you an odd look. It actually sounds like you don't like your friend or her children (a three-yr-old can't be spiteful!) at all.

FWIW I have one very gentle DS who never hit, scratched, pushed, bit or snatched and who always seemed to be on the receiving end of it. I also have DS2 who snatches, hits, pushes, scratches etc. He's only just turned two so has just mastered 'sorry', but MAKING him say it can often just lead to more drama. I tend to remove him from the situation and apologise on his behalf.

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