To wonder if this could be PND?

[JainaProudmooreLovesThrall]

NC because I don't want this linked with previous posts.

DS is 3 months old and I have two older DSes, one of whom has a dx of ASD and the other who is starting the process right now.

I don't know where to start. I just don't seem to have gotten back on the horse since having DS3. I love him so much and he is a great baby, really relaxed and a good sleeper, but it feels as though having him has ended my life.

Perhaps it is because I know he will be my last. I'm 37 and I feel so old. I had a horrible pregnancy and thought once it was over that I would feel great and enthusiastic about life again, but I really don't.

Last year was so horrible, DS1 was effectively expelled from mainstream school at the age of 5 because of his ASD. We had to fight so hard to get him a place in a special school, and he was at home for ten months, which was really hard. but we were successful and he is so happy there. Now I feel like I should be going out during the day and getting on with my life, but I can't seem to do it. I feel like all the joy has been sucked out of motherhood and I used to love it and feel so proud of my DSes.

Even when the midwife came round after DS3 was born I felt like she was there to judge. After what happened at DS1's old school I feel like everyone is judging my parenting, that everyone blames me for his behaviour, even though I know it is ASD.

I used to be so clever and bright, I was expected to go far and all I do is cry over enormous piles of washing. I feel like my life has gone, that I've missed my chances and I've got nothing to look forward to.

I don't get any time to pursue my own interests, and I resent that DH does. I went out to my mum's for the evening last week and while Iwas out DH got the older boys to bed and tidied the house really well. I'm starting to feel as though he could do it all better wihtout me.

Does this sound like PND? I don't know because I don't have negative feelings towards my baby.

Thanks, sorry if this is muddled, it's all come out a bit stream of consciousness.

[jeanmiguelfangio]

I completely understand where you are coming from. What you said has resonated with me and It sounds like depression to me, whether or not it is associated with the PN side of things. I have had PND since my daughters birth and I got help from my dr and I've had CBT too, and it is getting better.

Please try and go to the gp, get some help

[jeanmiguelfangio]

I would like to say that you are an awesome mum, and dealing with a lot, so cut yourself some slack too, although that's easier for me to say than take it in!!!

[MamaLazarou]

It does sound like depression. Have a chat with your GP. Love and best wishes from someone who has been there xxxxxxxx

[Ihavealwaysbeenastorm]

It sounds like it. I have pnd and am in a pretty dark place about parenting, some days I can honestly say I regret having children, I feel trapped and useless, somedays the anxiety feels like it will burst through my chest sometimes.
Hugs, you are having a hard time but this will get easier as you get more support for your older boys and your young baby gets older.