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AIBU?

to be considering ending marriage while 13 wks pg and with 2.5yo?

17 replies

mikado1 · 25/01/2015 07:32

..and a large mortgage and no practical family support ie no one nearby.

I told dh this morning that he hadn't smiled, started a conversation, added to any conversations I had started in the last three days and his response was to curse at me that he has been doing everything around the house while I rest and gets no thanks and that I never initiate intimacy anymore-I said hardly when I am not being spoken to. I also always say thanks for doing ironing etc. I was 'on duty' (and out of the house) yesterday from 7am-12noon, sorted breakfast, lunch and dinner for ds and took a break while he napped and for another 1.5 hrs while they did the weekly shop. I then got up and took him out to the park and later put him to bed-my turn. It's not just the last few days and I am afraid this will be a drip feed but I haven't the energy to cover everything but just wonder would I manage, am I being awfully selfish to ds, and dc to be? I think I would have to move nearer family if was going to do it. This is not the first time I have thought of this.

OP posts:

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Pagwatch · 25/01/2015 07:43

It sounds totally joyless.
I think if it is not the first time you have thought of it then maybe you are right.
Is there any possibility of getting support or counselling for your marriage? Has he always been like this? Can you communicate at all.

I think modelling happiness is better for children than modelling a dreadful relationship but, without knowing if this tension in you relationship is a new thing it's hard to say more.
But basically you deserve to be happy .

Nolim · 25/01/2015 07:52

Have you suggeste coues counselling?

Inkanta · 25/01/2015 07:55

You both sound fed up, and it it a stressful time when you have a 2 year old and another on the way, but I would say hang in there.

You're relationship is going through a bad patch. I think you both have to talk and try to work things through. If he won't do that you may need to make an ultimatum to show him you mean business and go and stay with your family a while.

sugarman · 25/01/2015 07:57

It sounds as though you both have a lot to contend with, feel very tired and unsupported.

Being pregnant, looking after a toddler and running a household is hard work. Your husband seems to be feeling extremely tired and unappreciated, too.

It is sad because when there is a lot to cope with, it is imperative for you to be on the same side, yet so often partners let the burden come between them.

Has it been like this for a long time? How is he with your 2yo?

Peacocklady · 25/01/2015 08:00

You both sound tired. It's sounds like you're finding it as hard to be loving towards him as he is towards you.
Having young children is exhausting and sometimes it takes what feels like too much effort to be nice and attentive to each other. You both start thinking how the other one isn't doing abc without looking at yourself.
Seems a bit extreme to talk about ending a marriage though, do you love your DH or are you just tired/pissed off?

arethereanyleftatall · 25/01/2015 08:00

From the example given, it just sounds like a bad patch. Why did your dh do everything? Are you knackered from being pregnant?
The worst phase me and my dh went through was about a year long, with a baby and 2 yr old and massive building work. But we had such a good foundation, I knew it was just a phase.
So, if this is a phase for you, hang in there, if it's permanent, don't.

Charlotte3333 · 25/01/2015 08:05

You've got so much going on it's no wonder you're both a bit resentful and irritable. When our DS2 was born we had to work so hard to remember it's not a competition of who is most tired, whose turn it is, who spends more time doing housework, and sometimes I had to pick up more slack simply because DH struggled to keep it all together. But 4 years on we're through the very toughest part and we're a great unit. Think very hard before ending your relationship. You obviously loved him enough to build a life and family with him.

Longtalljosie · 25/01/2015 08:09

Forgive the personal question - but we're you TTC before falling pregnant? Because if so, just 15 weeks ago presumably all was fine. Tiredness, hormones, a toddler - so many transient factors here. Don't do anything hasty - really.

KnackeredMerrily · 25/01/2015 08:38

Try counselling first

GokTwo · 25/01/2015 08:55

I felt totally exhausted, stressed and anxious at that stage of pregnancy. No wonder you are unable to do as much as usual and don't feel like being intimate. It's a tough time for all with a toddler too. How long have you been feeling like this?

Marylou62 · 25/01/2015 08:58

Oh my I could have written this 18 years ago...even the bit about moving closer to family...but one day I watched as DD literally threw herself off a low wall into her Daddies arms...he caught her as she knew he would...I remember a most powerful feeling of...'I cant take this child away from her Daddy'...we struggled through..the tiredness, the resentment of who was tired, the pathetic arguments over who was more tired...As PP have said. hang on in there...we have been married now for nearly 25 years...we can sit back and laugh now about the silly rows when we were Oh so tired...

ilovesooty · 25/01/2015 08:59

As others have said if your second child was planned presumably this hasn't been as bad as this for too long.
I'd also look at some kind of counselling if you think it might help you to communicate better.
I do a lot of work like this and if the couple do love it other it can be effective pretty quickly.
I hope it's just a bad patch for you and things get better soon.

Metalguru · 25/01/2015 09:48

Don't want to sound patronising, but I was massively hormonal in early pregnancy, and, very, very sensitive. The more I asked DH to be more reassuring and supportive because I needed more from him, the more he withdrew from me and he felt I was saying his best efforts weren't good enough. A lot if men are like this, if this us not a long term problem then maybe wait before doing anything hasty.

mikado1 · 25/01/2015 11:32

Thanks so much everyone and for the coffee and cake! ! You have put perspective on it alright-he is super with ds and it's not that he does everything but I do bulk with ds plus majority of dinners so he does cleaning and ironing. . I think you're right we both feel under appreciated and tired. Bkth work ft. He does not find communication easy, I love to talk things through (and can probably get a bit dog with a bone-like about it). I know he feels criticised/never good enough. Think will have to look into counselling. Yes we were ttc but we were in a good spot following a few definite bumps since ds' arrival.

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 25/01/2015 11:42

Good luck.

ilovesooty · 25/01/2015 11:44

Oh and if you do explore counselling please go to someone who has specific training in working with couples. That doesn't have to be Relate.

Teapot13 · 25/01/2015 14:04

What I have found is that bickering about chores is not helpful what you need is to have some couple time and some fun together then you will both feel a little more generous towards each other about the daily grind.

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