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AIBU?

to think that there's nothing wrong with running away from your problems?

35 replies

ithoughtofitfirst · 28/12/2014 20:43

If you've given something a really good go, you've tried everything but it just isn't working anymore. Is it ok to just think fuck it. Or should you always tackle things head on??

Was that vague enough?

OP posts:

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Sirzy · 28/12/2014 20:45

Depends if it's a problem that will still be there or get worse if you don't do something about it. Running away from problems is rarely a long term solution

ithoughtofitfirst · 28/12/2014 21:10

Do you mean if it will only get worse it's okay to run away from it?

OP posts:

lavenderhoney · 28/12/2014 21:15

Well I guess not doing anything about it for a bit and parking it for a while is an option, as solutions may become apparent or open up.

Then again, if you haven't discussed it with anyone who can help - a specific person or friend with experince, you probably haven't tried everything.

It depends on the problem. What is it? ( is that concise enough?:) come on, spill the beans:)

HearMyRoar · 28/12/2014 21:16

Well it depends on the problem, whether it is likely to follow you, and what sort of impact your running away will have on others.

Dd is driving me mad at the moment but it would be pretty unfair on dh if I just ran off and left him to it.

On the other hand sometimes it's better for everyone to walk away with a bit of dignity from a shitty situation rather then drag out the misery for no good purpose.

ithoughtofitfirst · 28/12/2014 21:24

Haha. Okay then.

It's not very juicy. Just super interfering MIL. And not being able to cope with her anymore. I have tried everything to cope with it. Cbt, anti depressants, going NC, talking through problems (that was the stupidest idea), ignoring the problem pretending it's not there.

My ds is starting to pick up on it and starting to disrespect me when he spends times with her. Dh always caught between a rock and a hard place and usually plumps to keep her happy. Can't blame him she's very unpleasant to be on the wrong side of.

Depressed. Fed up. I'm on holiday and go home tomorrow and actually feel physically sick at the thought of going back. Feel like refusing to go home. Blah.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 28/12/2014 21:29

If you've needed therapy and anti-depressants to deal with her then it's about time your DH listened to you, sides with you and goes NC with her.

Hatespiders · 28/12/2014 21:29

It sounds grim and you've had enough of her. Why did going NC fail?

Bettercallsaul1 · 28/12/2014 21:32

You are being intriguingly enigmatic, OP! I think you have to give us some idea of what the problem is! Without having any information, my general rule would be: if it just concerns yourself, feel free to walk away and abandon the problem but if this would adversely affect someone else whose wellbeing you are responsible for, I would persevere.

Bettercallsaul1 · 28/12/2014 21:37

Ah, you have told us, OP! (I was very slow to respond there!) What form does your MIL's interference take? You must find a solution to this if it is actually driving you to anti-depressants.

Bettercallsaul1 · 28/12/2014 21:39

Does she live near you? Are you forced to see her a lot?

ithoughtofitfirst · 28/12/2014 21:49

We see her at least once a fortnight but usually once a week. She lives 5 minutes away.

I did NC with her until recently but then had a baby and breastfeeding threw a spanner in the works. I actually considered ff so that I wouldn't have to see her. But decided that's fucked up unless you want to bf or ff you shouldn't feel pressured to do either.

I can't see the wood for the trees anymore. Does she make me feel like this or am I just imagining it. If it wasn't so fucking tragic I would find it funny.

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/12/2014 21:53

"Dh always caught between a rock and a hard place and usually plumps to keep her happy. Can't blame him she's very unpleasant to be on the wrong side of."
You might not blame him, but I do! You are his wife and it is you he should support, not her. S ever when a MIL problem is mentioned, it really boils down to a mummy's boy DH problem .

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 28/12/2014 22:01

Why on earth does breastfeeding mean you have to see her? She doesn't have a right to see your baby you know. And it sounds like your de would be better off not seeing her too.

Nothing wrong with running away from problems if it is possible to get away from the problem. But you can't run from this one. It is only going to get worse.

Ask your dh what his solution is. Bearing in mind that his wife and children are the most important people in his life.

Bettercallsaul1 · 28/12/2014 22:04

What does she do that is so unpleasant?

HolyTerror · 28/12/2014 22:11

Why does breastfeeding mean you have to see her??? Wouldn't simply never seeing her again be easier than running away from your entire life, or whatever it is you're contemplating?

SorchaN · 28/12/2014 22:50

You need your husband on side here. He should take responsibility for setting boundaries and defending them. You shouldn't have to have any contact with someone who behaves inappropriately, and interfering is extremely inappropriate. Usually no contact is the best solution, unless you think she is capable of learning to behave better.

lavenderhoney · 28/12/2014 22:52

It might be helpful for you to have the thread moved to relationships, as its looking like you might like to catch the help of the posters who frequent that board, as it might be more gentle than AIBU:)

But if your mil is being overpowering, and causing you all these problems you have to do something. is she there all the time and dropping in? Is she an expert on your baby and parenting?

Your dh needs to tell her you need time and space to spend time with yiur children and bring them up as you both ( you and your dh) see fit. It's normal. You don't have to go out to escape her or anything. She is already getting your ds to disrespect you. That's not good, and your dh should be backing you up. And not going for the quiet life. He is married to you, lives with you and you have his dc. His life is with you. At the moment. If he puts his dm first and won't consider another way, you have a massive problem.

lavenderhoney · 28/12/2014 22:54

And what's bf got to do with it? I'm confused about your comments about that.

manicinsomniac · 28/12/2014 23:46

Well, you can't refuse to go home but I think it would be reasonable to avoid seeing her for a while. I'm not sure if it's a problem you can run away from long term due to your husband and son. But, for a little while, until you feel better - YANBU.

As a general question, I think it totally depends on the problem.
Eg - three of my current problems are:

I no longer have the ability to do a triple pirouette. Can I run away from this problem? YES! I determinedly ignore certain bits of choreography in classes.
I am terrified of junk food. Can I run away from this problem? Sort of. Chocolate etc is not essential to life. But my fear of it is unhealthy and life would be better if I could get over it.
The batteries in my smoke alarm are dying and I can't reach to get a good grip on the cover and get it off. Can I run away from this problem? No!

Sorry, that was a bit superficial but you get the general idea.

ithoughtofitfirst · 29/12/2014 03:55

Considered not breastfeeding so that she could see the baby without me needing to be there. Sorry for confusion i'm really sleep deprived

I spoke to dh about how much i'm dreading going home and he agreed with me that we should move away ultimately. He wants to for his work anyway. I guess i just wanted to know if people thought it would help or if it would just be the same. Has anyone ever just thought bollocks to this and just moved away from family politics? Did it help?

Dh 'gets it' but it doesn't change anything.

OP posts:

ithoughtofitfirst · 29/12/2014 05:22

bettercall she is unpleasant in that she knows exactly how to make dh feel horrendous with guilt. They have a really complicated history. It makes him ill and it worries me sick to see him feel that way so we just end up doing what she wants. I've tried the whole 'prioritise us over her' tact but it just gives me a very unhappy husband which i can't cope with. I wish I could change that but after 7 years together I've given up. I thought about posting in relationships as I have done before but I don't think I can do much about it relationship wise. Nothing I'm willing to do anyway. I think I was just hoping someone would come along and say that they had a similar situation.

OP posts:

BeakyMinder · 29/12/2014 05:35

I think if it's getting you down that much, your DH agrees and you've got nothing else to lose then why not move? It's not at all unreasonable - several people I know chose to settle down far away from their awfulfamily.

But you need to think about the positive reasons for going too - make sure you're going somewhere nice that will be a good place to bring up your DC, where you and your family can build a life and be happy. Don't make it all about her.

And Choose distance carefully - too far away and she might have to stay the night when she comes to visit!

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lavenderhoney · 29/12/2014 07:24

Yes, move away now, before you get locked into nurseries and schools. If you own your place then get it on the market or rent it and move, or give in your tenancy notice now. This will also see if your dh has any excuses because anyone can keep saying " one day"

you say you only see her once a week and she lives 5 mins away now? Does she stay all day? Or do you hide/ go out when she comes and your dh is there? What is she saying to your ds you don't like and will your dh support you in asking his dm not to do it?

lavenderhoney · 29/12/2014 07:35

Ah, I see you've posted before in relationships. No one will shout at you and be unkind if you choose not to do anything. Many people on there have similar experiences.

If you don't tackle head on - you are putting up with it ( not doing anything/ head in sand) and it's affecting your health, your marriage, your dc. It will only get worse anyway.

If you do tackle it, you need to know your dh will support you and dc. But he has to be the one tackling really, with support from you and if he won't and says " maybe, one day,) to you and nothing changes and she carrys on - then you begin to run out of options as you have already decided you don't want to live like this. And your dh for all his talk is ok with it.

So what are your options if you say " fuck it and run?" As opposed to what?

ithoughtofitfirst · 29/12/2014 10:34

Thank you beaky and lavender

Nice to read that people do move away from their 'orrible families. Fortunately I can think of lots of positives for moving too. So I wouldn't be cutting my nose off or however the saying goes. Shooting myself in the foot or indeed any other acts of violence.

To be fair she has modified her behaviour in some areas. But honestly she's just quite an awful person. She's a snob and a bigot and I'm slightly rough around the edges so I'll never get the woman's full approval. Dh has tried as much as he's comfortable with to help the situation. Their relationship is honestly so complicated.

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