To be angry at dd's 'friend'?

[Evabeaversprotege]

Ds has a Christmas birthday, this year she becomes a teenager & asked for a party.

We decided we'd treat her & a some of her school friends to a day at the Christmas market in our nearest city.

She asked her friends (4 of them) & they thought it was a great idea, no final date set but more than likely Saturday 13th December.

She has one friend who is a bit bossy/controlling & likes to be the centre of attention (ds needs to see this for herself, I am aware if I point it out, she will be defensive)

Tonight she has received a message from said friend, sent to a group asking if they fancied going to the Christmas market the weekend prior to this.

Now I know dd doesn't have the monopoly on the Christmas market, but it was a special trip to mark her birthday. She has cried her eyes out tonight & I have said we'll work something out, do something else special.

The weekend suggested by friend happens to be a weekend Dh & I are away & the dc are staying with a relative so dd replied saying no, she couldn't make it. Friend replied saying "you HAVE to come!"

The plan for her birthday was DH & I would drive them up, take them to market, food etc

dd feels this has spoiled her birthday plans. She's not precious, neither am I, but this just seems rather strange. (The group of girls she messaged about the trip include the ones dd had asked)

I'm trying to stay out of it (I know her mother) but listening to my dd sobbing when she was so excited about her birthday is a bit upsetting.

[Evabeaversprotege]

Oops should say dd at start, not ds!!!

[Mrsgrumble]

'Friend' is nasty

What a horrible thing to do. I hope someone can advise but I have a saying.. Is a long road that doesn't have a turn. Friend will be outed in the long wrong for her little tricks.

Your poor daughter!!

[Annunziata]

Oh god love her. Teenage girls can be horrible sometimes. Give her a big hug and in your head (definitely in your head and make sure it doesn't come out!) be cross at the other one.

[WorraLiberty]

Aww that's such a shame but there's nothing anyone can do about it

She can either continue her plans or choose somewhere else to go.

Where is the party being held? Is the bossy girl invited to that too?

[Evabeaversprotege]

worra there's no party as such, the day trip to the market & lunch bought by us would have been the 'party'.

I told dd we'd arrange something else for the other girls & not ask the bossy one, but dd said she couldn't leave her out.

I get the feeling dd is slightly intimidated by her, she's very clever & popular. But dd is 10 times kinder, evidently.

[Norfolkandchance1234]

Sadly your DD friend is a jealous manipulative piece of work.

However is everyone still going to the Christmas Market for your DD birthday weekend. If so then after the first trip takes on say the Tuesday get your DD to text everyone that you will also be doing something extra special that night like going out for a meal, cinema, bowling anything you can think of to make it a bit different from the week before. Customise the day a bit.

[Evabeaversprotege]

mrsgrumble I have a feeling (and hope) you're right.

[Norfolkandchance1234]

' after the first trip takes place' ...... I mean

[Evabeaversprotege]

I told dd to switch her mobile off & get into bed, so I'm unsure of who's going to friend's day.

I told dd we could still do the city the market is in, or still do the market, or try & arrange something else, but she was too annoyed tonight.

Started saying this girl is prettier, cleverer, etc and if her friends went to the market the week before, they wouldn't want to go again.

The group of girls are probably planning on going alone that day & to be perfectly honest I wouldn't feel safe letting dd go without an adult (even in the same area, not tailing them!)

[mommy2ash]

I would have used this as an opportunity for your dd to learn that people only treat you in a way you allow. I would have told her to message back No I won't be going as I have already asked you guys to go the following weekend for my birthday and I don't want to spoil it for myself. Can't wait for my birthday insert smiley face.

[cheesecakemom]

Shame, what a horrible friend. Maybe you and DD can think of somewhere else you can go? Kids can be so mean!

[LadyLuck10]

Yanbu, what a nasty thing for her to do. I too would use this example to point out her 'friends' behaviour and speak to your dd about allowing people to treat her this way and not put up with it.
If it's not this it will be something else with that nasty girl.

[MollyHooper]

Ugh, what a shame.

I think the best thing you can do is start planning something else with DD tomorrow. Take her mind off it and get her excited about something else.

If you want something 'wintery' and festive maybe ice skating if there is anywhere near you? Then go somewhere nice for hot chocolate.

[scallopsrgreat]

Eva's DD isn't 'allowing' this girl to treat her like this . Her friend is treating her like that. Don't blame her DD for other people's behaviour. And don't blame her for being kind.

[scallopsrgreat]

Eva, you said you knew this other girls mother. Can you speak to her?

[iwaly]

Hmmm, it could also be a bit of a communication issue as well as the other girl just being totally insensitive. You say that she had sounded out her friends but "no date set" - are you sure it was clear to the friends that they should be saving the date and it was actually going to happen??
They do tend to do these things on their own some of them. My 13yo DD would not want me going round a Xmas market with her and her friends or were you planning a drop off/pick up scenario??
I would actually try not to make too big an issue out of it and maybe see if you can make the birthday outing a bit different - as someone else has suggested - find something else nearby so it is the market plus another treat like a meal/cake somewhere, skating etc or sleepover afterwards. (Sleepovers are hell but they do make an event of it...) Honestly it will be fine. Also I would do some sort of definite invites/texts fairly soon as these weekends are already getting so booked up and maybe if some of the girls know they are coming the following weekend and being given lifts etc their parents might be happier with that and they might not bother with the earlier trip anyway. Hope it all works out for you.

[Viviennemary]

I'd say it was an attempt by so called friend to derail things and make it all about her. Not sure about the best way to deal with this. I'd just stand firm and say the trip is on for anyone who is going. Certainly your DD shouldn't go to the trip the week before. It's my guess the other trip won't take place especially if the girls are paying for themselves.

[MagicMojito]

Yep your right to keep out of it. Hopefully your dd will realise that "mean girl" isn't actually her friend at all
Teenage girls can be terribly manipulative and nasty.

I hope your dd keeps to her original plan though. Fuck them xx
It's been 10 years and ive still not gotten over high school politics

[Littlef00t]

Any chance her other friends would choose not to go twice and keep their arrangement with dd?

[Quitelikely]

Well if you know this girls mother can't you text her and say is there any chance the trip could be postponed to the following week due to it being planned as your dd birthday?

Failing that can you get dd to text back 'why go then because we will be going the week after for my birthday'

You don't have to tolerate spiteful behaviour and neither does your dd.

If both things failed I'm afraid I would take things to another level and exclude the spiteful girl. That will teach her a thing or two. And before others say two wrongs don't make a right I believe that behaviour like this needs to be confronted and that you should stand up for yourselves.

If this friend is going to be on the scene for years then it won't harm her but giving her a taste of her own medicine!

[NewEraNewMindset]

I think as the adult you have to make sure you don't feed into this sort of teenage drama - easier said than done I know when your precious child is sobbing their heart out.

I agree with a poster above who suggesting seeing what else is on around where you are planning on going and maybe add a new component into the trip. Ice skating, or maybe something crafty like making your own bauble in one of those pottery/kiln places I see around and about.

I know it's a pain in the arse but the important thing is to show you can handle it with dignity and grace and show the girl that you want to strangle, that her attempts to derail your daughters birthday have been unsuccessful.

Hope your DD has a lovely time xx

[Whippet81]

I would get DD to send a message saying 'no I can't come but aren't we all going the week after for my birthday? Mum is treating us all to xyz' Passive aggressive smiley face.

I left school 16 years ago and it was the bloody same then - always one girl who can't bear not to be the centre of attention. To be honest I still see it now between grown women.

[LynetteScavo]

I think the best way to handle it would be to Quickly firmly invite everyone, (talk to their parents) making it clear you will be paying for a nice lunch and transport..... I bet all the girls choose your date to the other girls.

[GhoulWithADragonTattoo]

Quitelikely is right DD should stand up for herself. 'Let's not go then. You know we're going on 13th for my birthday and it would be spoiled if we'd been the week before too.'

[500smiles]

Agree with quitelikely.

I'd be planning ice skating or something and mean girl wouldn't be coming.