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AIBU?

To feel it's outdated thinking that as the wife I must remember birthdays

45 replies

Darkandstormynight · 25/10/2014 02:10

Backstory as to not dripfeed. Dh and I have been married 14 years. Have a tolerable relationship with my inlaws. I have for the sake of dh's feelings put up with a lot from them over the years. My MIL is an alcoholic and family either walk on eggshells around her or bend over backwards to try to make her happy. My parents have been deceased for years.

Most years they will not call dc on their birthday, but when we see them once a year, will give gifts months in advance so dc has a gift on their birthday, which is nice. They do the same thing for dh and I. Rarely will they remember to call dh on his birthday and they Never call me on mine, nor send a card (no card for dh or ds either).


Dh is bad at remembering birthdays. I think my MIL holds it against him that before me met me, they never got a call, gift or card from him either. Over the years he's gotten better with me and doesn't need to be reminded. I don't want much, only to be remembered. I think my MIL deliberately doesn't call, or send a card as a way to 'get back' at my dh for all the years he didn't remember. Even now, when I send something, they know I sent it and I know my MIL wants DH to do it.

Every year on all holidays I send something, have dh sign it, send a card, and remind dh to call them. I shouldn't have to...but I try to be a good DIL and at least make the effort. This year I'm tired of making the effort. Another birthday has gone by (mine) and no call or card from them. After 14 years I'm sick of making the effort with them. I'd continue to send something and a card, but AIBU to stop reminding dh to call (we all talk on these calls). It is especially hurtful when they don't call or send dc a card. Can I just not remind dh anymore? I've done it to keep the peace, but I'm sick of them especially not reciprocating with dc and I'd like permission to just stop reminding dh. He has issues with them stemming from childhood (he was neglected time wise) and I think this is why he never remembers them. Sorry so long.

OP posts:
MrsTerrorPratchett · 25/10/2014 02:36

Just don't. Just don't bother. Tell him you aren't doing it any more and don't.

MrsTerrorPratchett · 25/10/2014 02:36

Can you tell I hate this shit? I remember my SIL's because no one else does and she is a wonderful, caring, selfless, funny friend.

AdoraBell · 25/10/2014 03:49

YANBU I don't even know now when the ILs birthdays are. My DH either sends a card or he doesn't, just as he did before he married me.

however · 25/10/2014 04:38

I don't do it. My husband doesn't remind me when my relatives have a birthday, either.

smashboxmashbox · 25/10/2014 04:42

I wouldn't do it. I did it in my first marriage (only marriage so far but I'm divorced now!) and they never remembered anything to do with me or mine.

I remember MIL telling me I had to get BIL and SIL a wedding anniversary card every year and I dutifully like a twat got one and sent it every sodding year and they never sent us one and it used to make me so cross. Then I just stopped.

Now, I don't do anyone except those I want to and if I ever get married again (unlikely) I won't take on a man who can't invest the time and headspace into that sort of thing and make it his own responsibility.

Calvaise · 25/10/2014 04:45

'I'd like permission to just stop reminding dh'

You don't need anyone's permission, but if it helps you feel better:

You may cease and desist being your DH's PA (in this and all other matters).

Reddottys12 · 25/10/2014 06:00

You're not his, or anyone else's personal assistant so if he forgets, he forgets! Not your issue. This is what I tell my dh when his mum constantly texts me to 'remind me to remind him' of someone's birthfay. Bugger off! Tell him yourself!

paxtecum · 25/10/2014 06:32

Just don't do it.

I don't understand why people don't put reminders on their phones/ laptops/ tablets. I suppose they can't be bothered.

Why should you bother when DH doesn't.

I was a dutiful DIL for 30 sodding years to a contrary MIL.

43percentburnt · 25/10/2014 06:32

I really can't believe he can be bad at remembering birthdays with today's technology! You can even put reminders on funky pigeon etc so you get an email reminder.

Is it more that he can't be arsed to deal with buying presents etc? Ie does he go out of his way to choose and buy presents for you and the dcs?

I have never done this for an adult! It's ridiculous. If he can't remember then he should buy a calendar or put a reminder on his phone! If he can't be arsed to find a way to remember then let him deal with the fallout.

redexpat · 25/10/2014 08:00

What will happen if on mils bday there is no card or call? Is it possible that they just dont get birthdays?

comfycushion · 25/10/2014 08:08

I do not send my dh family card for birthdays or christmas or anything else.

Neither do I buy his clothes or tell him his car needs taxed or do his pack lunch.

For goodness sake he is a grown man.

Do women still do this type of stuff?

FunkyBoldRibena · 25/10/2014 08:11

I'd have stopped after the first year of the kids not being remembered. Remember, you are just taking their lead on this Wink

avocadotoast · 25/10/2014 08:51

Nah, forget that. DH and I are both terrible at sending cards but we do at least just deal with our own sides of the family. I only know MIL's birthday because it's the same as mine, not sure when FIL's is...

greenfolder · 25/10/2014 09:09

yanbu. when i had dd1 19 years ago i told dhs family that he was now in charge of birthdays for them. after a year i relented and organised pil's presents. but have never bothered for his 4 siblings and 12 nephews/neices. they have never had a birthday card since!

fredfredgeorgejnr · 25/10/2014 09:26

It sounds like you are the one who cares about birthdays, and have done it all the time because you believe everyone should, this doesn't sound like a wife issue, but a birthday issue.

Stop caring, they don't, it sounds like your DH has started caring about yours because he's recognised you care, so that's a good thing, it won't change that he doesn't care about others.

Just stop, and recognise that people not caring about birthdays is not unusual, or wrong, it's just how they are, they are not doing it to be mean, it's just how they are.

wanderingcloud · 25/10/2014 09:27

Agree, just stop. Life is too short to be doing things like this for people who don't appreciate it. I say this as the woman who was out shopping for DN's (on OH's side) 2 days after giving birth to DS2 because they were coming to visit. On reflection it was bloody stupid of me. I swore I wouldn't do it again and try to develop a thick skin to the pressure from SIL's and MIL that I should do all the remembering of everyone's birthdays in DH's huge family because he never does!

skylark2 · 25/10/2014 09:33

Set up a Google calendar which you both have access to.

Put the birthday list on it.

Sorted. You'll never need to remind him manually again - he'll get an automatic reminder email.

I don't understand why you'd need your DH to make a phonecall when you're all going to talk anyway - if you want the call made, make it yourself!

parakeet · 25/10/2014 09:34

Permission granted. YANBU.

clam · 25/10/2014 09:39

Slightly off-topic but I have a friend who always sent the cards to the ILs but they got the hump because she didn't send cards with "to a wonderful MIL/SIL/FIL/whoever" on, with a flowery rhyme in silver writing. They didn't like her 'tasteful' not-in-your-face offerings at all.

Divorced now, by the way. (though not just because of that!)

Levantine · 25/10/2014 09:42

Definitely leave it. Put the dates in his phone calendar for him if it makes you feel better and then walk away from the whole nonsense

ilovepowerhoop · 25/10/2014 09:45

I write birthdays on the calendar in the kitchen and leave dh to get cards, etc for his family.

pictish · 25/10/2014 09:49

Yanbu. I'm shit at remembering birthdays and anniversaries, including my own. The only ones that have any concious impact are those of the kids.
It's a foible of mine...part of who I am, good and bad, as a human being...a person. I resent the idea that it's my womanly duty to be in charge of managing these things, because it makes no logical sense! I'm not better at ironing or making sandwiches because of my tits, and neither do I succeed at remembering birthdays.

I used to get harangued over sending cards and acknowledging significant dates of the members of dh's family, by his aunt.
I would say "have you not got dh's number? It's xxxxxxxxx...."
She eventually gave up.

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Dunkling · 25/10/2014 10:38

I don't do my husbands relatives/friends birthdays either, nor do I remind him. They are his responsibility and he is just as capable of reading the calendar as I am. I do add them to the calendar for him, simply because I copy everything across and to omit his would be churlish, but that is all I do.

SparkyLark · 25/10/2014 13:53

All this girly-birthday thing gets on my nerves a bit to be honest!

cleanasawhistle · 25/10/2014 14:28

I used to remind my DH about MIL birthday every year even though I never ever received even a card from her until two incidents that happened within a few weeks of each other...
We were at MIL house and and she asked my OH to try a jumper on.It was for her daughters boyfriend,a present for his birthday and as they were the same size she was checking it would fit.
MIL mentions she had been out for a meal with her other son and his girlfriend,she took them as it was the girls birthday and it was a gift for her.

So we were the only ones married but I was the only one who didn't get anything so I put a stop to it.

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