To torture these cold callers with Britney Spears tunes?

[kirsten123]

We keep getting these annoying calls where someone tells us there's a virus on our computer and to type certain things into it and then tell them what it says on the screen. So far I've played along then "placed them on hold" and played them Britney Spears songs from youtube (they hang up!). What else can I do to annoy them? Blow a whistle down the phone really loudly? Tell them the screen says "fuck off to the far side of fuck and then fuck off some more".

Suggestions welcome!

[Bailey101]

I usually play along and see how long it is before they realise I've got a mac

[kirsten123]

Ooh, I did a google search - apparently a good one is to kid on that they've phoned a local cop shop or M15 by accident!

I really need to get a life!

[Littlemissjt]

I played along with them for about ten minutes then told them I didn't have a PC or a laptop. The guy argued that I must have but just kept saying I didn't and he hung up very annoyed. Never called back after that!

[Clairej81]

I kept getting bombarded with calls about PPI, 4 or 5 a day which were not even for me. Last Tuesday when they called asking for Mrs MacMullen (not me), I pretended to get upset and said she had died earlier that day. The guy on the other end of the phone was absolutely stunned. Not had anymore calls from them since then, keeping fingers crossed that's done the trick.

[MissYamabuki]

Ooooh I love Britney

[greenbananas]

If we have persistent callers who won't take no for an answer, I sometimes put my toddler on the phone (with loud speaker so I can hear both sides of conversation). ds2 loves it, and we rarely get called back by the same culprits again.

[kirsten123]

Brilliant one Claire! Must try that!! "Kirsten123 died earlier today having been attacked by her pet goat" but then they'd probably still get "me" to turn on "her" laptop! Maybe I could keep them on the phone for hours trying to guess "her" password!

Yep, I actually love Britney myself - what would be genuinely irritating? Simply Red or the Beautiful South or Lily Allen personally!

[kirsten123]

Shame I don't have a toddler, Green!

[openthewineplease]

Play them One Direction

[doubleshotespresso]

Blow a whistle down the phone! ??

[Andrewofgg]

"Just wait a moment, there's somebody at the door"

Allow about forty-five seconds

"Right, I have phoned my office on the mobile, it's the International Investigations Division of Oftel, we can have any call from any phone, landline or mobile, traced in one minute, even a withheld number, and we can have all your phones blocked during our investigations, we work with the FBI and the same in other countries, are you sure you want to talk to me?^

They'll go.

[Carrierpenguin]

I tell them 'great that sounds fantastic and something my dh would love to hear about' then I leave the handset on the side and let them wait. I presume they hang up at some point, but at least I've saved someone else the phone call if I've held them up a few minutes.

[wantstolickwilliamgraham]

I once left porn playing for a few minutes, they stayed on the phone.

[Pistone]

Whenever I get one of those calls about viruses on my computer I always say"but I haven't got a computer".....after a shocked pause I then get "well what about your laptop"? Me....."what's one of those"......guaranteed to make them hang up.

[pointyfangs]

Last time I had one of these, I talked them through sorting out the virus.... on my 3DS console. Confused the heck out of them for quite some time.

[Andrewofgg]

Evil bunch, aren't we?

[Taz1212]

I just put the phone on speaker and then carry about with my day. I usually cough a few times so they know I'm still there. Sometimes they just hang up. Sometimes they get really really cross with me.

[EatDereksCorpse]

Get the to describe what a PC or laptop is as you aren't sure. Then say oh yes I have one of those.

When they ask you to type things in ask which button that is, ask them if it's between the reheat and jacket potato button.

[Wishtoremainunknown]

Ooh what do they say Taz ? I just say I have a mac.

[LionsTeeth]

Play them the liam neeson monologue from Taken

[Taz1212]

Wishtoremainunknown The worst one was actually the first one I did it too. Back when I was still being polite to all cold callers I said to him as soon as he stopped his spiel about my PC, "I'm sorry, I don't take any cold calls but thank you for your concern" and then hung up. He actually immediately phoned me back!!! He started saying, "I didn't catch your name" and I thought bugger it, I'm going to stick him on speaker and keep washing the dishes.

He repeated the "I didn't catch your name" and then silence and then "hello, hello" and then silence and then "Oh, you think you're being clever" and then finally a "fuck off" before he hung up.

I couldn't believe he'd had the cheek to phone back so it made my day when he got so irate.

[kirsten123]

I have been pondering this more and have decided just to start screaming down the phone as if I'm being murdered. Really REALLY loudly, louder and more piercing that a whistle!