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AIBU?

To still feel so sad about family separation 9 months on?

15 replies

Notnastypasty · 20/10/2014 18:30

To cut a long story short, 18 months ago I believed I was very happily married, with the happy family I'd always wanted. My previously amazing DH then had an affair with a colleague and at the start of this year he left to be with her (although he managed to hide this until the summer and pretended he was living with his parents).

Sometimes I feel okay and I am functioning fairly well but I just still feel so hurt at being treated so badly and rejected in favour of someone else. I know the OW owes me nothing but I still feel upset and angry when I think of her and stbxh happy together after the misery theyve caused. It gets worse when I think of her getting to spend time with my precious dd when I want to be with her and knowing she's driving around in what used to be our family car.

My mum thinks that 9 months is enough to get over this and I wish I could but I feel like I am still grieving for my marriage and our little family. I know that shit happens and life isn't fair and I need to suck it up and get on with it! Is 9 months too long to still be having a cry most days, should I be in a place where I'm not so bothered? If not, when should i hope to be there or is there likely to always be some sadness?

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EnchanciaAnthem · 20/10/2014 18:36

I'm so sorry to hear that you're in this situation I've not experienced this, but it is my absolute worst nightmare and I very much doubt I'd be over it in 9 months!

How could you not be upset about it? You didn't sign up for having to be apart from your DD some of the time, you didn't sign up for having to share her with a stranger.

Be kind to yourself. It sucks, so much. You don't deserve it.

LittleBairn · 20/10/2014 18:39

9 months is no time at all, I'm sorry your mum isn't more supportive.

UncrushedParsley · 20/10/2014 18:44

It took me a lot longer than that, I don't think 9 months is very long tbh. I am three years down the line, and things are much better, and in many ways I am a much happier person with another partner. However, part of me will always be sad I think. Something about you think the world is a certain way, your 'D'H loves you most in all the world, and then you get pooped on from a great height. Not sure the world will ever feel completely 'safe' again.

Charitybelle · 20/10/2014 19:20

9 months is nothing. I took about 2 years to properly 'get over' my last long term relationship before meeting DH. And if he did yo mr what your ex did to you, I'm not ashamed to say I would be hurt and angry for a long long time.
Have you looked into counselling at all? Not necessarily to help you get over it quicker, just to help you process all the hurt and anger you must be feeling. It would be good to deal with it in a healthy way, rather than letting it turn into bitterness?

Notnastypasty · 20/10/2014 22:58

Thanks for the replies - my mum has been very supportive but would deal with things in a different way I suppose. I've thought about counselling but not sure I can face it whole it's good to know that I'm not being unreasonable I also wonder how long it takes to heal from something like this. It's been a long year

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Calloh · 21/10/2014 11:29

Not that all sounds so unbearably shit. I think it is quite understandable to still feel sad, angry and confused. As Enchancia says it is not what you signed up for.

I hope it lifts for you and that everything gets rosier. And that there comes a time where there are advantages to it all.

On another note my mother has very set times on how long people should be sad about various things, it is not meant with anything but love and the aim is to stop a really awful thing dominating life but my sister and I can find it incredibly arbitrary and intimidating.

Notnastypasty · 21/10/2014 11:57

Thanks calloh. And yes, my mum does it with the best intentions but it just makes me feel like I'm being weak for still feeling upset.

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polarpercy · 21/10/2014 12:02

Without being patronising is your mum divorced? The only reason I ask is does she truly get your pain and sense of betrayal. My stepmother said something so telling to me when she found out my husband had cheated on me, that you never love in quite the same way again. You are never as free and trusting and that that is hard. It made so much sense, she had been cheated on twice, once by her first husband and then by my horrible father.

polarpercy · 21/10/2014 12:04

I am also sorry to hear that you feel like this. My husband hasn't gone to the OW (long and very complicated back-story there) but you don't get any space to think. When he was gone I still had to look after our daughter, run the house and do everything else. Look after yourself and be kind to yourself, you deserve this and so much more.

Notnastypasty · 21/10/2014 12:06

Yes polar, she is divorced but she chose to be. I think its a different situation when your marriage ends out of the blue and you're completely unprepared for it. I think you're right, a part of me has changed and I don't think I will ever be as trusting again as much as want to be

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Notnastypasty · 21/10/2014 12:08

Thanks polar, sorry to hear that you've been through similar. How long has it been for you if you don't mind me asking and are you feeling like you're moving on?

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polarpercy · 21/10/2014 12:09

I'm so sorry. You are right; choosing to end it gives you control having it ended, and like this, gives you no control. It's that feeling of suddenly not knowing the one person in the world who should love you the most anymore. I feel slightly hollow, I want to be the trusting me again but I don't think I ever can because I feel so stupid that it was happening under my nose and I didn't notice. So, I worry about what else I am/will miss. I didn't mean to hijack but I hope it shows you that you are by no means alone, and what you feel is normal.

polarpercy · 21/10/2014 12:10

It's only been a couple of months for me. I don't feel I'm moving forwards. My focus is obviously my daughter and now my return to work (she's under a year old) so my time is thankfully being filled. But when I have time to stop and think my head begins to crash and swim as it fills with these relentless thoughts.

Notnastypasty · 21/10/2014 12:17

Polar, so sorry to hear that, it must be so difficult with such a young DD.

If it's any consolation I am much stronger than I was 9 months ago and have had periods of feeling happy and looking forward. But it seems to be a case of one step forward and two steps back. I just want to feel normal again as I'm sure you do

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polarpercy · 21/10/2014 12:19

Thank you and I hope you find peace, I am sure you will, as I will, it's just the time it takes to get there that hurts.

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