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AIBU?

To think it was unfair of a colleague to say that educating my DC privately was intended to 'buy them a better class of friend'?

120 replies

Shard1066 · 02/10/2014 16:09

This was a recent throwaway comment by a colleague, but I was quite hurt by it. I don't have views that private or non-private education is better or worse. There are pros and cons with both. I assume that most parents make the decision based upon the options available, the needs of their children, and possibly finances. I picked the school in question - a famous but not overly academic co-ed day/boarding because I though it would suit my 2 eldest DC, and it seemed the best option. However, we have since moved into an area with an outstanding comprehensive, so may well make a different decision for DC3.

It would not have occurred to me that I was buying 'better friends', and I was quite hurt by this remark? Do some parents actually think in that way?

(PS have NC'd so as not to out myself)

OP posts:
StillFrigginRexManningDay · 02/10/2014 16:11

I suppose some people do think like that but I would ignore any further comments.

Bunbaker · 02/10/2014 16:11

It won't buy a better class of friend. What a ridiculous thing to say. A friend of mine sends her children to private school. Her daughter is driving her round the bend because she wants designer clothes and expensive gadgets to keep up with her peers. Said friend is not impressed.

ApocalypseNowt · 02/10/2014 16:12

It is an unfair thing to say and a stupid comment. I suppose there may be a small number of parents who actually do/think that but tbh it's no-one's business but your own as to how you educate your children.

ApocalypseThen · 02/10/2014 16:13

Yes, I would have thought that was the whole point. My parents planned to do just that for me had I not been bright. Some people see it as a way to make connections so that kids can get a nice job in a friends parents firm if they can't rely on getting any qualifications.

ILovePud · 02/10/2014 16:15

I'm sure that some people do send their kids to private school to keep them away from the 'riff raff', though I don't expect you'll get many on mumsnet admitting to that motivation. It was a rude thing to say to you though unless you had been saying disparaging things about those who send their kids to state schools.

SirChenjin · 02/10/2014 16:17

Yes they do. I have heard parents who send their children to private schools saying that it will look better on their CV/the children are nicer at private schools/the children behave better/they are 'one of us'

I'm surprised you haven't come across parents who have said similar - but perhaps they save their comments for us folks who use state as a way of reminding us why they choose private.

Kewcumber · 02/10/2014 16:19

Yes I suspect many people think this (including many parents who choose to privately educate) most are not rude enough to say it though.

mnistooaddictive · 02/10/2014 16:24

All the research shows that main difference between state/private isn't results but friends and networking so although they said it in a very blunt way, the research backs them.
You need to be thicker skinned.

TheBogQueen · 02/10/2014 16:25

The major added value of paying fur private education is the connections they provide.

So yes - your colleague is correct. Private education confers exclusivity and advantage on a tiny minority of people through the connections they make.

redexpat · 02/10/2014 16:27

I think thats the kind of comment that says more about the person saying it.

KittiesInsane · 02/10/2014 16:28

Ooh -- do we have an apocalyptic disagreement upthread?

Bulbasaur · 02/10/2014 16:31

So yes - your colleague is correct. Private education confers exclusivity and advantage on a tiny minority of people through the connections they make.

I'd say this is a good thing for your DC's though. If I knew a private school would get DD a good college, and high connections, I'd do my best to save and budget for it to give her the best advantage.

Hard work is all well and good, but unfortunately life in practice turns out that who you know makes you more successful than what you know.

SirChenjin · 02/10/2014 16:33

friends and networking

Depends if you want people like that in your groups of friends and networks.

ILovePud · 02/10/2014 16:33

It's got potential Kitty, I'm surprised that MNers seems in general quite a left-leaning bunch and yet there seems to be a lot who send their kids to private school but then IRL I'm surprised by all the labour voters I know who's principals seem to go out of the window when it comes to schooling their own.

JabberJabberJay · 02/10/2014 16:38

But that is what a lot of parents who privately educate think OP. My brother sends his DCs to private school. He freely admits that one of the key reasons he does so is to 'avoid the chavs from the council estate'. I don't like his attitude but I'd be amazed if it is unique among private school parents.

TheBogQueen · 02/10/2014 16:42

Yes the real advantages are more about things like doing work experience at a friend's mother's law firm or managing a friends gastropub. It kind of knocks the socks off washing hair in a hairdressers when it comes to UCAS application or getting an internship (although most ordinary people cannot afford an internship)

manicinsomniac · 02/10/2014 16:44

It's an unfair assumption for her to make and I'm sure 95% of private school parents pick the school they think is best for their child/ren rather than thinking about the other children there.

But there are a few who do.

I probably shouldn't say this but don't think it's identifying - I work in a private school and after two children got into an argument which became physical a parent commented that they didn't think their child should 'have to share a school with children from the estates of _'. Our head replied that, in that case, their child might be in the wrong school!

LarrytheCucumber · 02/10/2014 16:46

Hahaha. What a silly comment. All sorts of parents send their children to fee paying schools. And there are plenty of very unpleasant people who have had a fee paying education.

LemonadeRayGun · 02/10/2014 16:47

It's a crass way to put it but essentially yes, I have always assumed that is why people choose private school. To make sure your children are friends with the right people, make the right contacts, mix with the right bunch. And not bringing "Tyler" or "Chardonnay" home for a play date :-p

TheBogQueen · 02/10/2014 16:48

To be fair, 'avoiding the chavs' attitude is also prevalent among state school parents moving into particular catchments.

ElephantsNeverForgive · 02/10/2014 16:49

Of course you send your DC to private school and avoid the riff raff.

Your certainly not paying for better results, a few grand in tutoring would fix those!

You are paying for 'nice' friends, nice surroundings and better facilities and a silly uniform. Nothing wrong with that. DDs have done our local private schools holiday club several times and the facilities are amazing.

But please be honest!

wooooosualsuspect · 02/10/2014 16:51

I do think that some people send their kids to private school so they don't have to mix with kids like mine.

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ElephantsNeverForgive · 02/10/2014 16:52

Avoiding the worst of the riff raff, certainly happens in the state sector too. DDs school (which is a very ordinary, loses a few to the grammar comp) has plenty of DCs paying a £1000 a year in bus fares to avoid the grotty comps in town nearest the grammar school.

Shard1066 · 02/10/2014 16:54

I agree that the facilities and surroundings were a big draw, but I really do want my DC to mix with people from different backgrounds, and I definitely didn't pick the school on that basis. Many state schools have uniforms, so I am not sure this is a valid criticism.

OP posts:
ComparingApplesWithPears · 02/10/2014 17:01

State schools have uniforms yes, but not ones in odd colours that cost £££££ with some sort of silly hat that make the kids stick out like a sore thumb. I can absolutely understand many pro private school arguments but why their uniforms have to be so excessive baffles me.

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