To ask what to do re situation with exH and access to son?

[Midori1999]

I posted last year after exH sent DS1, 17 at the time, back here to live after some nights staying out without prior arrangement, which meant he lost his apprenticeship, and then during a visit left to bring DS2 home and changed the locks on the flat, meaning DS1 couldn't get in to get his things to come home or charge his phone. I had to phone the police in the end as I was so worried.

ExH has continued to see DS2, (13) but has not seen or spoken to DS1 since, including ignoring his 18th birthday. DS2 is awaiting a referral to CAMHS and is having a lot of problems at school, which school are being very patient I dealing with as they feel he will get some sort of diagnosis from CAHMS. When exH collects and drops off DS he waits outside in the car now. He cites me being 'abusive' as the reason for this. We have had heated discussions re his treatment of DS1, but I feel he is just avoiding seeing him. Often, as DS2 is exited about seeing his Dad, he rushes out of the door without saying goodbye, despite me repeatedly asking him not to and I have had to text/phone exH to check DS is with him. Again, at drop offs he just lets him out of the car to come in by himself.

Last time he had him I had been taken into hospital by ambulance over the weekend and kept in. I notified exH of this and asked him to explain to DS. He dropped him off without coming to the door again and let him come in without having told him I wasn't here or in hospital. DS came in looking for me. exH's reason for not having told him was 'it was awkward'.

I discussed with exH on the phone and explained that I didn't think the way he was picking up or dropping off was helpful and perhaps he could at least knock on the door. I also asked if he could at least try to attend some of the school meetings, but he can't apparently. (He does live 2 1/2hrs away) I said that I felt it was particularly unfair that DS had to come in not knowing I wasn't here and was In hospital, he gets particularly anxious as his baby twin sisters died 9 days apart in 2010 and it affected him greatly. There's every chance I could be taken into hospital again and I would like to know that if that happens that exH will explain to DS and bring him to the door at least. He doesn't want to. I did get a bit cross and I the hen gat of the moment said he could see DS when he could behave like an adult. Childish and wrong of me I know.

The next thing I get a recorded delivery letter from exH saying he'd seen a solicitor as I'd prevented him for seeing DS, but the solicitor had suggested he write to me himself first. If I didn't make arrangements for access then he would take legal action. I have text him several times regarding DS trying to speak to him on Skype but saying he was never online and also about maintenance, which hadn't gone in. He ignored both texts, read them but no reply. Then sent a text asking if I was going to let him see DS this month. I said of course, but it would like him to knock on the door etc. bond would like him to explain to DS if I'm in hospital. he refused and says he can either collect him or he can't. I suggested perhaps mediation would be a good idea to make arrangements and he said there's. No point it won't work.

So I not really sure what to do except to continue access with pick ups and drop offs in the way exH wants. It sounds dramatic, but there's a small chance I could die from my illness, there's a high chance I could suddenly end up in hospital again and I don't want DS coming home to find me not here again and not having been told.

Can I see a solicitor or mediation service and send a letter requesting exH to attend? I'm not really sure how it all works? Am I being unreasonable by expecting the things I am?

[Bulbasaur]

I'm not a legal expert, but if he has a solicitor, you'd best get one too.

[IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi]

I can totally see why you are asking for things to be changed, and your ex does sound like a selfish prat

But I do think you're being unreasonable about the drop off and pick ups, especially at 13. If things are volatile between you then zero contact is best. At your sons age I don't think there's anything wrong with waking out to the car by himself

Can you or ds1 not phone or text ds2 if you are not home when he's due back? Is there no one that could let him know? Yes your ex should tell him but as it seems he's not going to then it should be quite easy to arrange something else

[Nancy66]

Sorry but I really do think that you're being very unreasonable about the knocking on the door thing. He drops/collects your son outside the house, that's good enough. Your kid is 13 not 3.

Can't you talk to your son re. the hospital issue explaining you may be re-admitted. If you are can you nominate another family member to liaise with your son over this, instead of your ex?

it's a stressful situation and your ex sounds difficult but you are also causing unnecessary upset for yourself (and your son.)

[Midori1999]

Thanks for the replies.

I think the problem for me is that DS is an extremely immature 13 year old and also appears to have some learning difficulties, although obviously these are as yet undiagnosed. For example, he has only just made his first proper friend at school, he has never had any friends at all and struggles hugely in hours area. Maybe I am being unreasonable, but despite repeated requests, DS will not or is unable to, tell me he is leaving when his Dad comes to collect him and he is obviously not prepared to check he has said goodbye.

DS also doesn't have a phone currently, due to inappropriate use of it. He was constantly texting people to the point of (unintentional) harassment. He doesn't understand social cues or interactions. Perhaps there's an option to get him a pay as you go with limited credit or incoming calls only so DS1 one DH can contact him if I am admitted to hospital while he is away.

DS isn't aware he has missed any visits as they aren't especially regular anyway, once a month or two. Had exH have asked I would of course have allowed him to see him, he only had to ask. However, he has been upset that his Dad wasn't on Skype and asked me to text him, which I did but obviously got no response. It would obviously be better for DS if he would at least reply to these texts saying that he was unable to get on or would be on at such and such a time or whatever, but I don't suppose there's anything I can do about that. It just seems a shame for DS, who just struggles with everything my me life in general.

[IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi]

How does your son know his dad has arrived? If you know when he's due surely you can just be nearby to see him leave the house?

A basic payg phone (possibly with numbers blocked if neccesery) sounds like a good idea, it would also mean he could keep in contact with his dad so he knows when he will/won't be coming

In an ideal world you and your ex would be able to discuss all this but it really sounds like that will never happen and trying to force it will only lead to more stress

[Thumbwitch]

Your ex is an utter arse to refuse to tell your DS that you're not at home because you're in hospital. Also, if he has LD, should he be left at home alone at 13? or is your DS1 there? except how would your ex know, since he doesn't talk to him or check that anyone is in.

He's being a PITA frankly, and unreasonable. I don't think he needs to knock to pick up your DS2 - I think your DS2 needs to learn that he has to say goodbye before he leaves - but I do think your ex needs to take responsibility before leaving him home alone by at least checking someone is in. And FFS just warn him that you are in hospital!

[Thumbwitch]

That last sentence was for ex to warn your DS, not you.

I think that you may also need to get him a phone that is incoming calls only - if it has no credit on it, it can still receive calls, can't it? Just not make outgoing ones. So you can phone and tell him where you are, but he can't send texts etc.

[deakymom]

get him a phone but dont top it up that way you can call him to inform him of where you are you can also call to check where he is

with regards the situation your ds just leaving the house without telling you why can you not just lock the door?

[waithorse]

I remember your previous thread. Ex dh is an arse. Get yourself a solicitor as soon as you can.