to feel like a huge buzzkill?

[notagainffffffffs]

Dhs step brother is getting married in Spain next year in august in the Mediterranean. They didnt grow up together so arent close so it is more for mil that we would be going.
Trouble is we simply can't afford it :( im self employed so money has to be budgetted quite tightly and the 600 quid for the flights alone is just out of reach. It would be a villa for the whole family and self catering but lots of drinking and meals out too.
Dh explained it wasnt affordable but we would definitely be attending the second british ceremony that they are having but she is insisting that she will pay for me,dh and ds and we can pay her back over the next year.
I really dont want to commit to this, I absolutely hate borrowing money and we cant actually even afford to pay her the repayments. With movibg house and having to buy a new car recently its just npt possible. Dh is alot more laissez faire about the whole thing but I feel like im pissing on everyone's parade by saying no :(

[ClapHandsIfYouBelieveInFatties]

I think YABU. She will lend you the money...it will make her and your DH happy. Life is short and you should live it.

[LastingLight]

I agree with your view. Since DH and the groom isn't close, and you're going to be attending the other ceremony, why on earth should you put yourself in debt to go to Spain?

[Venticoffeecup]

This is one of my pet hates.

Don't go. If people choose to have destination weddings they have to accept that some relatives will not be able to make it.

You shouldn't have to get into debt for anything.

[Waltonswatcher]

Ffs its your money - whether you pay now or later .
Your choice .
Why should someone else's wedding send you into financial stress .
Don't do it.

[Guitargirl]

Don't go but get your DH to explain, don't let it become that you are the one who is saying no. It's just about your family finances. You don't want that hanging over you.

[notagainffffffffs]

I should say I do care about mil very much and we do get on really well. She's not flush herself so I would qorry that if we couldn't pay thwn it would cause un necessary tension etc

[LadyLuck10]

Yanbu, it's fine if you want to have a wedding abroad, Just don't expect that everyone will come. It doesn't matter that your mil will pay, because you still can't afford it overall. She needs to understand that. Don't feel bad, just be firm about it. You're attending one of the weddings at least.

[JustAPondering]

YANBU, if you can't afford it, you can't afford it. Only one thing worse than being in debt you can't pay back, that's being in that debt to a family member!

Could/would your DH go on his own?

[BeachyKeen]

I think I would say to her
"Thank you so much for your kind offer. It is nice to know you would do this for us. Unfortunately, it isn't in the budget, even with the lend. We don't feel comfortable about borrowing when we can't pay it back. We don't want this to be a burden on anyone.We are really looking forward to the ceremony here though!"

repeat as needed

[TheTrueVoiceOfReason]

Can DH go on his own? Just to show face?

£600 on flights? For how many? can you alter the days and fly budget? not knowing where you are flying from/to - simple google gives me flights Gatwick/Barcelona for £24

Or, I think you just have to say "we cannot afford this and we arent getting into debt over it"

[TinyDancingHoofer]

Send DH on his own?

[notagainffffffffs]

Thanks everyone, ive done my best to find cheapest flights and the lowest ive got is 589 :( we're in very rural location and going to not very touristy part of spain so the logistics are quite difficult. Would be 3 of us all together.
Ive told dh is is more than welcome to go, I wouldn't mind at all (works away often anyway)but he would rather spend 200 quid taking the family on a cheapy holiday, if we can stretch to it next year.

[notagainffffffffs]

Really hating this!

[LeftRightCentre]

YANBU. No way should you borrow money for people who chose to get married abroad. 'Thanks, but our budget doesn't extend to debt repayment.'

[SunshineDaisiesButterMellow]

Yanbu. People who have weddings abroad have to realize not everyone can attend.
I would hate to borrow money from anyone especially family but would if it was necessary. This is not. Especially as your Dh was not very close to his brother.

[Charitybelle]

YANBU. We had this very dilemma a few years ago with dh's brother. Bil and Sil chose to get married in a very very expensive foreign location,
and try as we might, we could not get the cost below £3200 (for both of us to go). Changing flight dates, accommodation etc, nothing brought the cost down to an anywhere near acceptable level so we just had to say no.
We had just bought a house and had a baby on the way, so it was never going to happen. Didn't stop us feeling awful about it though. My mil did offer to pay for us as well, but similarly we could never have paid it back, and I didn't want to accept that amount of money from her, even as a loan.
In the end it was a bit awkward for a while, bil and sil were obviously surprised and disappointed that we weren't going, and we felt a little resentful that we were put in a position where dh had to miss his own brothers wedding. But it all blew over and we have a great relationship with them now.
So basically, it's not your fault that you're in this position, so try not to feel guilty, just stand your ground firmly and politely, and I'm sure they will understand. Agree with a pp that your OH should take the lead in discussions about it as it is his family.

[whois]

If you can't afford it you can't afford it so a loan isn't super helpful.

Maybe DH could fly out on his own f for a few days for the actual wedding? Maybe MIL could just pay for him as a gift not a loan?

Or maybe neither of you go and the happy couple accept that if you get married abroad not everyone can afford the time or money.

[ThreeQuartersEmpty]

Don't go. Nothing feels better than debt free.
You'll have this hanging over you until you can repay it and it won't feel worth it a year down the line. Just say you can't afford it. There's no shame in that.

[Seriouslyffs]

YY to sending DH on his own. Less expensive, you're not a buzzkill and you've shown willing.

[Littledidsheknow]

YANBU You can't afford it, don't go. This is a worrying trend, these destination weddings and stag/ hen weekends. You shouldn't be in debt for someone else's wedding.
That said, the I realise awkward part is telling everyone. Be straight - you're sorry but cant afford it. Then leave it there, don't enter into any dialogue.