Aibu to hope I'll ever get my sex life back?!

[Givemecoffeeplease]

Long story short - had DD IN January, fairly normal birth but long pushing stage, nasty tear. Huge delays in stitching me up (4hrs). Felt "wrong" down there for a while - like it had been sewn shut - and eventually after lots of chats with midwives who said it was all fine was referred to gynae who diagnosed a skin flap had grown over my vagina. At no point had sex been physically possible - just too small. Was only referred to gynae when I screamed in pain over routine smear. No way a speculum would fit!! It's now been 10 weeks since a simple fix operation and I've had sex 4 times (after getting the go ahead from the gynae surgeon). I've cried each time. It really really hurts. I'm using lube but it doesn't seem to help. Will this ever be normal again? The surgeon is pleased with his work (phnar phnar) and says it will be painless soon enough but I've now been discharged and feel like he's washed his hands of me before I'm "fixed". I am sad at the loss of my sex life but that's notmal with a baby. Less normal to cry in pain during sex I reckon?! Posting here for traffic, hopefully someone has a similar tale. Husb has said, hopefully, that maybe it just takes practice....

(And as a second AIBU, is it sensible to bagsie a C Section should I ever get my vag back, to keep it intact?! Of course, would have to have a shag to get pregnant in the first place....)

[Mouthfulofquiz]

Poor you - that's all not great... Personally, I would go back to my GP and say that you've tried sex four times, with lube and it is still unbearably painful. Are you breastfeeding? I am currently, and I have read somewhere that it dampens down your sex drive a bit and so that can't be helping either. I can imagine that you may get into the trap of expecting it to hurt and therefore it all becomes less enjoyable.
Back to the GP I think, or call your surgeons secretary to ask what she suggests?
Good luck.

[Mouthfulofquiz]

As for your second AIBU.... Second births do tend to be much easier. I pushed for 1hr 20 with my first and about 20 minutes with my second. Any 'damage' which I have sustained was from my first. If you want more kids then maybe hold off having any major intervention until after you have finished?

[Oneeyedbloke]

Well, I am no expert but I would say you are a victim of medical negligence, that sounds awful! I feel so sorry for you; 4 hours before stitching, why on earth? Why is childbirth still so ruddy primitive in this day and age? Here's hoping the surgeon knew what he was doing and is right about the pain, but 10 weeks? Not trying to freak you out - not possible after what you've been through, I'd say - but I would be shouting loudly for a second opinion. Would any bloke allow similar to happen to his wedding tackle and be as sanguine as you are about it? I think not.

[Givemecoffeeplease]

Exactly. If a bloke said his willy was broken there'd be all sorts of fuss but I get patted in the head and they say "there there".

There seems no point suing the nhs as they need all the dosh they can get but it has crossed my mind!!

In their defence the delay was just one of those things. The midwives said the tear needed a surgeon and every time one arrived, scrubbed and prepped, they'd be called to an emergency. I was high as a kite on drugs and a bit woozy over it all but it was horrid and the time meant the area swelled - even harder to stitch.

Horrid to learn that labour and associated complications is so awful for so many. TF for the babies.

[juniper44]

Maybe the pain is partially caused by your fear it'll hurt? Like that first poo you do after you've been sewn up...

It does sound very unpleasant. Have you tried going solo and seeing how that works?

[naty1]

You didnt reply about breadtfeeding?
As i did find it was painful then - also smear.
Can you try a vibrator or the cone things that stretch you out, think that was on embarrassing bodies.
I should think the reconstruction would take as long to heal as the recovery from birth.

I guess at least with an episiotomy the surgeon must already be there do do that so can stitch straight away maybe.

Also even if not bf maybe your hormones could still be out of whack.

[Givemecoffeeplease]

I am still BF and yup, I inderstand that can cause some issues but I'm using lube. If I go solo it's a bit sore but as I know where is sore I can sort of avoid it IYSWIM. I was the one who initiated sex as I thought it MUST be fine by now (it's been 3 weeks since the last time and I assumed the extra time would be good healing time) and i had had some wine so I don't think its tension (and DH knows that I need extra revving up right now). A "stretcher" sounds like a good idea. But oh my god when did life come to this....?!?!

Thanks all for your answers. This has been very very tough and I am so touched to have some nice words. I guess it's wait and see and if it's still sore in a couple of weeks go to the GP (again - yawn). We very much want a second DC and yet this interferes with conception (obvs!) and also I'm shit scared of another baby ruining me even more. I guess I could stretch a bit in the right direction tho no?!

Ironically I was worried about having a bucket after labour.....

[Bulbasaur]

PMing you.

[CarmineRose1978]

I'm so sorry to hear about your problems, that must be truly awful. You're right, a man would never be expected to shrug and get on with things.

It might be an idea to consult with a solicitor who specialises in these things, just to see what your options are, if they fail to help further.

[wheresthelight]

muscle has memory so whilst the operation may have corrected the issue the muscles will still remember the pain and the discomfort and so will tighten subconsciously. it is a perfectly normal reaction!!

I suffered with this for a long time after being raped so I appreciate how frustrating it is and lube had zero effect. I would perhaps speak to your GP as you may need a muscle relaxant to help you on your way until things right themselves on their own.

it took a fair few years for me due to the nature of what caused it and a subsequent EA bastard husband who thought trying to force me when I said no was funny. but once I met my now dp things just righted themselves in a matter of weeks.

good luck

[Purplepoodle]

Lidocaine cream/ointment, it will numb the sore area while you dtd making things more pleasant. I was recommended it by a consultant for same sort of issue.

[LittlePeasMummy1]

It took about six months for things to get back to normal for me after an episiotomy. You possibly just need to give it some more time

[Shakey1500]

I feel your pain. I had a 4th degree tear (ventouse delivery) and was whizzed to surgery straight away. 1st repair, all the stitches broke down and wound infected (vom), 2nd repair was restitched under local anaesthetic (agony), it still didn't feel right, felt tight and stingy inside. I was given dilators to "stretch" it but still hurt. Had another repair, still wasn't right but by the 4th op (which I really didn't want but had little choice) everything was more or less back to normal.

Can I just say that whilst 10 weeks seems like a lifetime, it really isn't given the trauma ye olde fanjo has been through. I'd give it at least another couple of months to settle and then, if you still feel uncomfortable then absolutely, return to GP and don't be fobbed off like I was a bit, the dilators were shit

[naty1]

I think BF can make a difference. But not sure maybe it got better when my periods came back 11m or so. Or it may have been weaning of bf.
But i guess its not necessarily that due to your severity.
I

[Givemecoffeeplease]

Thanks all. I'll give it some more time and maybe become a bit more familiar with the area myself with a (small!!!) toy. And I will go back to the docs if it doesn't right itself at some point.

[MomOfTwoGirls2]

Sex was very uncomfortable and a bit painful for me while bf DD1. I felt I was just too tight. Was grand again once I stopped bf (at 7 months, when I went back to work). I didn't have same problem with DD2.