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AIBU?

To think it's normal for parents to be more protective of daughters

158 replies

cadburykingdom · 30/09/2014 09:31

I know my parents were more protective of me than my brothers. I'm more protective of DD than DS. All of my friends growing up with siblings reported similar.

I have a friend now who disagrees and says they shouldn't be and it's not normal but I would think it is.

Girls are more vulnurable and go through so much more so it makes sense.

AIBU?

OP posts:
NickiFury · 30/09/2014 09:33

Your friend's right, they shouldn't be more protective of you. Are you some delicate little flower that needs nurturing more than your brothers?

It may well be common but it shouldn't be, it's a very damaging message, i.e girls are more vulnerable and need protecting, boys need to man up.

ElephantsNeverForgive · 30/09/2014 09:34

Girls go through so much more Confused, have you seen the appalling suicide rates for young men?

Growing up is hard and stressful for both sexes.

Babycham1979 · 30/09/2014 09:40

How are girls any more vulnerable?

Please explain, with copious reference to eg Margaret Thatcher, Boudica, Golda Meir, Imelda Marcos, Joan of Arc and Aung San Suu Kyi

AnyFucker · 30/09/2014 09:41

I have had to give more emotional support to my son as he approaches adulthood than I ever did to my daughter.

She never really needed it, and certainly didn't want as much as he does.

I worry about her increased vulnerability to sexual assault and getting into an abusive relationship, but outside of that she is a much tougher cookie than him

ElleMcFearsome · 30/09/2014 09:41

Surely the worries are a bit different but overall, similar?

I worry about my DDs getting pregnant but I would worry if I had a DS about him becoming a father young too (both situations mainly resolved by talking about responsible safe sex and relationships).

Drugs - applies to both genders.

Bullying/violence - applies to both, albeit in different ways.

Sexual violence - more of a worry for DDs, but 'random' violence, eg muggings, surely both? Plus (hypothetical) DS more likely to get caught up in drunken 'what YOU looking at?' stuff as that's mainly bloke to bloke.

Self harm, eating disorders prevalent within both genders.

I'd be interested to read why you view girls as more vulnerable, OP?

catkind · 30/09/2014 09:41

I'm more protective of DS so far because he's more sensitive. DD is fearless, assertive and built like a tank, she doesn't need protecting. If that changes as they get older I'll revise my position!

I think there's also a degree of being more protective of PFBs - my little sister was the least protected when I was growing up. AKA she got away with loads more because she was the youngest and my parents had been through it all twice before. Or in some families it's the little one who gets babied and protected more, can work both ways.

5madthings · 30/09/2014 09:42

Yabvu I don't see why my daughter is I intrinsically more vulnerable than her brother's at all!

NorwaySpruce · 30/09/2014 09:45

I'm probably more protective of my second child, a boy.

My daughter is fantastically resilient and capable.

I grew up with brothers and sisters, and my parents didn't treat us differently according to what sex we were, because they were not idiots but saw us as actual people.

ViviPru · 30/09/2014 09:47

YABU. I cannot bear any kind of gender generalisation. There are sensitive, fragile vulnerable girls AND boys just as there are confident, assertive self-reliant children of both sexes. Every child is individual and should be treated in line with their own personality, regardless of sex.

worldgonecrazy · 30/09/2014 09:48

In what way are girls more vulnerable?

For all the reasons mentioned so far on this thread, it's obvious that it is actually our male children who need more support than society allows them.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 30/09/2014 09:48

Ds has needed a huge amount of emotional support so far, and needs far more attention. I worry about him getting physically attacked or having unprotected sex, but also want him to have a fulfilling life and not to be afraid of the world. I very much intend to treat dd the same when she is his age.

I want my daughters and sons to enjoy life, be respected by those around them, enjoy a healthy sex life (in whatever form they want), and to treat others as they wish to be treated.

Going by the suicide rates amongst young men, I think too many are not given the support and help that they need :(

Rusticated · 30/09/2014 09:49

Nonsense. OP. There's nothing 'normal' about considering girls more vulnerable, it's an internalisation of social ideas about femaleness as fragile and liable to sexual exploitation. It bears virtually no relation to the reality of risks lived in the world for the young of both sexes. Most threats are gender-neutral, and some are in fact heavily weighted against boys and young men. As a pp said, look at the suicide statistics. Men committed suicide three and a half times more than women in 2012.

Girls and women are far more likely to be assaulted or killed by a male partner, yes, but it's difficult to disentangle that horrible statistic from the social attitude that sees boys as strong and invulnerable, and girls as fragile. That message damages both sexes.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 30/09/2014 09:49

I don't think girls are more vulnerable at all.

Well, actually I think they're more vulnerable to a condition called 'princess syndrome' where they're assumed to be weak fluffy little kittens who need protecting from the big bad world. And, unfortunately, some of the little princesses grow up to be great big princesses who need a pwince to protect them from the hurly-burly of grown-up life. Like, you know, driving the car and taking out the rubbish. And they're such fun to be around...

Delphiniumsblue · 30/09/2014 09:49

I would disagree entirely. They all need equal support.

Scholes34 · 30/09/2014 09:49

It wasn't until my friend's son's girlfriend was pregnant and her family closed in around her, excluding him from any decisions about whether or not to continue with the pregnancy, that I began to understand some of the vulnerability of boys. The decision was life-changing for him, but he was totally excluded from it.

HesterShaw · 30/09/2014 09:51

My parents gave me and my sis more "support" if you could call it that. My brother now hates them. We're not too keen either.

HesterShaw · 30/09/2014 09:52

Suicide is also the biggest killer of young men. More than drugs. More than cancer. More than car crashes. More than drink.

tiggytape · 30/09/2014 09:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/09/2014 09:55

I think that used to be so in the past, I know that dh parents give more money/assets to their daughter because they see her as more needy financially, than dh and his brother who are more confident and have high paid jobs.

feathermucker · 30/09/2014 09:55

Absolutely YABU!

Boys are vulnerable too, albeit maybe in different ways.

You are at risk of reinforcing a gender stereotype that will continue into adulthood.....

dancingwithmyselfandthecat · 30/09/2014 09:56

The only ways in which I can think that girls as a group are more vulnerable or go through more than boys is a) in the prevalence of sexual violence directed against them and b) in the fact that despite 50+ years of feminism, women struggle to have their voices heard as equal to mens, struggle to achieve equivalent professional recognition and are loaded with domestic responsibility to a much greater degree than men.

All of which can and should be dealt with, but being more protective isn't the way to do it.

  • Sexual violence: giving both genders proper sex education about being assertive about your own body, importance of enthusiastic consent, real sex not being like porn, etc.
  • Societal bias against women - encourage your daughter to think about herself in terms of who she wants to be, not society. Encourage her to choose being respected (not least by herself) over being liked. Question if it really is her free and informed choice to dress like a porn star or say nothing when boys are making horrible jokes. Encourage her to ask questions in class and to keep up with sport when she hits her teens. Show her a set of equal role models at home. Encourage your sons to take equal responsibility around the house; encourage them to recognise all the ways that society discriminates against women and to work against them where and how they can.


If the above is being protective then GREAT go for it.

But that's not what you mean by protective is it?

For what it's worth, boys are more likely to be victims of violent stranger crimes, muggings, stabbings etc. Boys are more likely to use drugs. Boys are more likely to commit suicide. Boys are more likely to die or be injured in car accidents. Boys are more likely to get in trouble with the law or go to prison.

So on a cost-benefit analysis, makes more sense to lock your sons up than your daughters.
MrsWolowitz · 30/09/2014 09:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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RiverTam · 30/09/2014 09:59

I don't really know - I come from a very female-dominated family. Don't feel that any of us were protected especially, but I've nothing to compare it to (no brothers, hardly any male cousins, only one DD myself).

I think that the fact that people seem to expect boys to be stronger (emotionally and physically) and need less protection can actual be very bad for boys.

Castlemilk · 30/09/2014 09:59

Well, if I guess that you give your daughter the unspoken message all through her childhood that she's weaker, less capable, that people want to attack and/or take advantage of her more than they do her brothers, and that you have far, far less confidence in her, then I guess you may be presented with a self-fulfilling prophecy.

AggressiveBunting · 30/09/2014 09:59

I've been told I'm the other way round- possibly as DS is more sensitive and less physical than DD (also means he's kinder and has more empathy). When I look at DD I just see this sturdy little girl with attitude, so I figure she can look after herself. Possibly as she becomes a teenager I will naturally think about the challenges DD might face more, as I've face them myself, and don't want her making the same mistakes, but hopefully DH will appreciate DS's challenges more, so it'll balance out.

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