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AIBU?

AIBU to think they should pay for our stuff

116 replies

jammiecat · 22/09/2014 16:23

Sorry this is likely to be long. First time posting in AIBU but prepared to be told IABU, and I know I was partly. Anyway, went on holiday and asked friend and neighbour to feed the cats. Came back to find she had taken it upon herself to clean and tidy our house, enlisting the help of a couple of friends. All sounds good until we discovered three bags of DS toys (none of which were broken, and included 2 week old birthday presents) in the bin. We then found further toys and other stuff e.g. the blade from my food processor, instruction manuals to the oven, washing machine etc scattered throughout the bin (this required several searches through the bin which was full of maggots - really grim job!). We also had search through the house to find our paperwork, toys etc. At the end of which we had retrieved approx £200 worth of stuff in the bin (some of it was bits from toys etc but that would be the replacement cost) but a further £100 of missing items including the remote to DS birthday present, and his favourite jigsaw.

This is where I was a bit unreasonable as I emailed my friend, mainly so I could set out exactly what was missing, how much it cost and that I expected it to be paid for without getting all upset and emotional and the message being lost. I just emailed my friend who had the key as she organised it but left to discuss with the others (although I suspect and she says she didn't, personally throw anything away, the other two clearly did). She and one of the others has gone completely mad denying throwing anything out, that we obviously just haven't found it yet (we have already been through the whole house and it's definitely not here), telling me they just wanted to make room for the kids to play (we have baby twins and a toddler) and that the toys they had abandoned to the elements in the garden clearly weren't being played with (this is nonsense). Yes our house is rather untidy, not easy keeping on top of it with 3 young children, but there is still room to play and ultimately it is our house, we didn't ask them to do it, and I don't see why I should have to justify our lifestyle or housekeeping habits to anyone else as it's none of their business. I've been left feeling judged and betrayed by my friend but she is acting like I should be grateful (for losing £100 of our belongings!) and that she is the injured party. She was coming with me to a baby activity which requires 1:1 with the twins but has now pulled out so that will be £200 wasted unless I can swap it to the weekend, and leaves a rather empty week as I only have 2 other activities (I am on maternity leave) and don't know of any other activities where I can go with 2 babies. It feels like she's punishing the twins for this, and all we asked her to do was look after our cats. I wish we had never asked her.

Anyway if you have got to the end accepting that I should have spoken to her rather than emailed am I being unreasonable to be upset by this and be asking her to pay or should I just suck up the losses and apologise as she seems to think I should? Would be grateful for other views on this.

Just to add and so as not to drip feed, she has helped a lot with babysitting particularly since the twins arrived which obviously would have cost us if we had to pay someone (she is now chucking that back in my face too but does that really make it OK for us to have lost all our things?)

OP posts:
Iconfuseus · 22/09/2014 16:28

It was massively rude of her and your friends to overstep the mark and go through your stuff like that without asking you first.

However had I been in your position I wouldn't have been asking for money. I think it's such a weird situation all round really - I think I'd have cut contact there and then to be honest.

I wouldn't apologise though, they were out of order in my view.

sticklebrickstickle · 22/09/2014 16:29

Wow. I would be FURIOUS if I came home and a friend had been through all of my belongings and thrown away whatever s/he saw fit without permission from me. That would probably be friendship over for me, I don't think I would trust them again. Tidying up any obvious clutter to help out is one thing but inviting several people over to clean and tidy the whole house and sort through paperwork etc would feel like a huge betrayal.

Yes I would want an apology and I would want the friend to pay for the damage. This was a hugely misguided decision on her part and she had no right to let other people into your house or to sort through your private belongings, let alone to make judgements regarding what should be kept.

I think I would be looking for more trustworthy friends to be honest.

SteeleyeSpanx · 22/09/2014 16:30

Shock Are you serious? I'd be considering involving the police!

What a fucking cheek!!!

WooWooOwl · 22/09/2014 16:33

This sounds bizarre. Your friend has clearly done a lot for you, and while she clearly shouldn't be throwing out your stuff, it sounds like your house is a tip and she was trying to do a nice thing for you.

It's hard to give an opinion without knowing the state of the house and the things that were thrown away.

SilentCharisma · 22/09/2014 16:35

I do think it was over-kill them binning stuff, but I assume they thought they were being helpful - not being judgemental here, but was your house a tip? The busy mess left after packing for a holiday perhaps and they were just clearing away the clutter and went a bit far?

I wouldn't have asked for money myself - I think I would have probably sent a wounded email! With that wide range of stuff - toys, appliances instructions, bits of the food processor etc etc, makes me wonder if they just swept large amounts off surfaces because there was so much?

Not justifying it, just trying to understand how they could throw away stuff that obviously wasn't rubbish. And how bad was it they felt it needed a team of them? Are they massively tidy people? You know, their perspective might be different to yours / ours.

cherrybombxo · 22/09/2014 16:37

Your friend massively overstepped, that's awful! It's bad enough to throw out toys but paperwork?! My DP freaks out if you move his little pile of winning scratch cards, never mind his stack of payslips or council tax letters! Your friend sounds weird, I understand that she might think it was a nice thing to do but it's a massive breach of privacy.

littlemslazybones · 22/09/2014 16:41

Well I can see why you would feel naffed off by the whole thing and judged by her actions. I think you were justified to call her unreasonable behaviour by flinging out your possessions that she deemed unimportant.

I do think, given that she seems to be a crucial part of your support network, that you might have dealt with it better or even just cut your losses.

I suppose I'd try to mend that bridge. She must have thought that she was doing you a massive favour and that you were going to gush over all her hard work and say how wonderful it all is now.

KnackeredMuchly · 22/09/2014 16:43

Your friend is a bitch and I'd have no more to do with her.

Your baby class cost is just tough, not reasonable to ask for it back.

But the stuff that was thrown out... I suppose morally you're entitled to it, but I'd call it quits and have no more to do with her ever again

BackforGood · 22/09/2014 16:44

I'm with WooWoo - it's all a bit odd. I think they have overstepped, but that said, they've clearly done it with the best intentions at heart, and I think you were wrong to e-mail them a bill. I don't see how you expected to get anything back, other than a bill for all she's done for you to help you. I'd say that you made a BIG mistake.

I do think they made a mistake in that they should probably have put things they thought were to be thrown out together in clean dry bin bags in a garage or store or something so you could retrieve anything you still wanted, but hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Out of interest, are these other friends, friends of yours, or just people that like cleaning / decluttering? and can I have their number?

starfishmummy · 22/09/2014 16:44

Good Grief. YANBU at all
I went ballistic when Mil decided to pay someone to do work on our front garden when we were away last year, and that was nothing compared to this.

rainbowinmyroom · 22/09/2014 16:45

OMFG! I would be fizzing! I house and pet sit professionally and would never dream of touching a client's things that were not essential to doing the job. It's not for me to judge their lifestyle, I am there to look after the pets and home (let workmen in, collect post, put out and take in bins, etc unless otherwise agreed). I even bring my own bedding and towels if doing a house sit job.

I wouldn't ask for money, tbh, but I would let her know she did not do you a favour.

formerbabe · 22/09/2014 16:46

I would be fuming if someone tidied up without asking me...shocking behaviour.

Eminybob · 22/09/2014 16:47

Wow. I am Shock. I would be livid if someone took it upon themselves to come and clean my house. I was angry enough when mil let herself into my house and did the dishes! It's such a judgy thing to do.
Unless your house is like one of those ones in secret life of hoarders or whatever and completely unsafe and they were staging a kind of intervention.
But even then to throw away your stuff and refuse to acknowledge or pay for it really is beyond the pale.

Eminybob · 22/09/2014 16:49

Starfish my mil did that too! She did tell us first but still!

jammiecat · 22/09/2014 16:50

Thanks for your responses, I was beginning to doubt myself. WooWoo it's untidy but not a complete tip, the living room did need sorting to find homes for the new birthday toys and I ran out of time to chuck all the toys back in their various boxes before we left, and the kitchen need some reorganising after some new bakeware purchases but nothing that wouldn't wait. All of this wouldn't have affected her feeding the cats as we had just shut the door to the living room and would have sorted when we got home. The paperwork did need sorting but that was for me to do and ultimately even if it was a complete tip (which it wasn't, untidy yes and clearly not up to her standards) it still wasn't her place to do it. She was trying to do a nice thing, that's what's so hard and she has been a good friend but I can't get away from the fact that it was our stuff and we haven't got spare money to replace the things thrown away. The things that have disappeared are three toys, and then we had some things damaged by being out through the dishwasher (they didn't need washing just waiting to be put away and I always handwash). The things thrown away which we retrieved were mainly various toys and bits of toys, none broken. It's like they decided DS had too many toys but then if he has that's for us to decide surely. If she hadn't been such a good friend previously and helped out during a challenging time I would just walk away from the friendship but that seems so wrong.

OP posts:
poolomoomon · 22/09/2014 16:51

Shock I am aghast! Who on earth would think this was ever an appropriate thing to do? You don't touch paperwork OR childrens toys, massive no-nos. unless it was clearly rubbish NOTHING should have been thrown away. Oh I'd be fuming... I am kind of fuming on your behalf tbh. I'd just cut ties with the 'friend' and leave it at that although if she was any sort of friend she'd be horrified and give you the money regardless...

PrimalLass · 22/09/2014 16:57

I am horrified. That is shocking.

jammiecat · 22/09/2014 16:59

Just caught up with the other responses. No not a secret hoarders style house, and no jam packed surfaces. just pre-holiday mayhem and lived in. She doesn't have children so standards are bound to be different. The email was a big mistake I agree, I should ahve spoken to her, a symptom of feeling upset and lack of sleep (teething twins) but yes definitely very ill-judged. It seems some think I shouldn't have asked for the money but it does seem unfair that we lose some of our belongings from her actions (I realise now I omitted to say in my OP that the permanently missing items clearly went in the recycling bin which was collected while we were away - sorry don't mean to drip feed) It's not like we asked her. At least if we'd been burgled we'd have insurance to claim on! And for those who asked the other two are other friends of ours. All of them should know me well enough to know that I wouldn't like people going through my stuff. And thanks for all the perspectives.

OP posts:
Groovee · 22/09/2014 17:00

My mum and gran did something similar when I was on my honeymoon. For some reason my gran gave her bed away and my mum moved her in to my house. I came back to the ironing pile having been washed again as my mum claimed it was dirty washing, mail missed because someone had shoved it under something, my gran had slept in my bed instead of the guest room and at 5am I had to change my sheets as they smelled of her. She'd used all my cleaning products and replaced with safeway savers. They couldn't see the issue, so I took my keys off my mum and it's only been the last year she's been given a spare key.

I was fizzing and I would be fizzing in your case too! She needs to understand where she overstepped the line.

MrsGeorgeMichael · 22/09/2014 17:01

i am in shock and really feel for you
i would still go along to the activity for the twins - you will find other people will be helpful.
still in shock over this one!
your friend has overstepped her cat feeding duties

jammiecat · 22/09/2014 17:05

Oh and I wouldn't ask for the baby activity money back, I realise that's something we just have to live with. Just frustrating to chuck £200 away and have to give up the activity if we can't swap. I suppose thinking about it, it might have been worth keeping quiet from that perspective as we're left worse off Sad The whole things has just made me so cross. I would never have done this to someone else.

OP posts:
GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 22/09/2014 17:06

Why was the bin full of maggots?

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jammiecat · 22/09/2014 17:06

MrsGeorgeMichael Sadly we can't, it's swimming so two adults definitely needed.
Groovee That's awful too, and yes we will be collecting the keys too!

OP posts:
jammiecat · 22/09/2014 17:08

Ghoul Some food binned before we went on holiday when I cleared out the fridge I would guess, that and being left for almost a fortnight as we're about due a collection which is fortnightly. Was really grim.

OP posts:
TheRealAmandaClarke · 22/09/2014 17:11

I dont know how i would deal with this tbh.

But your friend has overstepped a boundary. She was very unreasonable to clear up in the way she did, both by being overzealous and by involving another person.
She got carried away playing house. It was inappropriate and she should apologise. It really doesnt matter what "state" your house was in.

As a stab at amateur psychology (preferable to the pressing job of polishing my worktops) i would guess that she either has issues with boundaries in general, or that she has developed a sense of superiority over you due to having helped you with your babies.

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