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AIBU?

In laws indifference after miscarriage

20 replies

Spellbound2014 · 19/09/2014 22:41

4 weeks ago at 12 weeks pregnant I found out my baby had no heartbeat. I had had a scan at 8 weeks and all was fine. Sadly a couple of days before I reached 12 weeks I had some light spotting and a scan the following day revealed the baby had no heartbeat. To say I was devastated was an understatement. My family rallied around immediately and although I live over 125 miles away from them all their support has been fantastic. My in laws on the other hand have been terrible. We live in the same city as my husbands parents and one of his 4 sisters. The others live away. They have never been warm but their reaction to that miscarriage had completely thrown me. I have not had any contact from them since we find out about the baby dying. They have not called over, phoned me or even sent a text message since the miscarriage even to see how our two small children are (both under 2 1/2) let alone to see how I am. Before this i made sure to call into them every week or so with the kids so they can see them. They have never made any effort to see their grandchildren : niece and nephew. My husband didn't understand why I am so angry but he grew up with them and doesn't know any different.I am so angry about their indifference and coldness. I now feel like I can't call over to them as I am so hurt by their behaviour. AIBU to feel like this?

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Infinity8 · 19/09/2014 22:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

grocklebox · 19/09/2014 22:45

maybe they are trying to give you space? Everyone deals with these things differently and it might be how they handle these things in their family.

AgentZigzag · 19/09/2014 22:51

I'm so sorry Spell

Looking in on it from the outside, you've said yourself that they've never been warm, and I would say it'd be easier on you if you try to accept them as they are and expect as much.

Could you be focusing the pain you feel at your MC onto them? (which is understandable and can be a technique for dealing with the pain)

It's possible they are actually affected by what's happened but just don't know how to approach the subject, what words to use, and wouldn't be able to deal with any emotion that might result in them making a move to try and offer their support.

I used to make an effort with my ILs, but it's difficult when your expectations are mismatched with the reality of who they are.

VenusInfers · 19/09/2014 22:53

spellbound I am very sorry for your loss. I too have had a MC (10wks) after a previous straightforward pregnancy, so understand a little of what you are feeling. It utterly, utterly sucks.

Your in laws sound a bit emotionally distant, which is not what you need right now. However, if they have always been this way your terrible misfortune is not likely to change them. They probably don't know how to do warm and caring. Spend your time with people who do know, and who want to help you.

You are already, naturally, very upset by your recent loss, It's probably best to try and avoid things (and people) that will upset you even more...

Lucylouby · 19/09/2014 23:26

Spellbound, I've been where you are now. My in laws sound very similar to yours. The only time they have ever referred to my mmc was when someone they knew had a stillborn child. They referred to what she went through as the same thing as I went through. I was really upset about that as it showed just how little they understood.
Mil spoke to her priest about the situation, that was enough for her.
I'm sorry, but I don't think you will ever change them. They probably think emotion is uncalled for (my i laws do).
Find the love and support you need from your family and DH. Do you have local friends who are helping you through?

Spellbound2014 · 20/09/2014 11:27

Thanks everyone for your nice comments and feedback. It has been a very difficult time and I have been directing some of my anger about the miscarriage at them but I have been incredibly hurt by their total lack of empathy. I just don't think it's normal to completely ignore the fact that your sister/ daughter inlaw has had a miscarriage. I have been with my husband 13 years and have always made a big effort with them but at this point I feel like giving up. It doesn't get me anywhere. Thankfully my family and friends (close by and away) are amazing and show me lots of love and support.

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EmberElftree · 20/09/2014 14:28

Hi Spellbound I'm so sorry for your loss. I too have been there unfortunately, it is such a huge shock and we were utterly devastated too.

Unlike you I haven't told my family yet even though it happened in May as we live abroad and I haven't seen them in person since it happened. My DPs will be devastated and I do now want to talk to them about it. We will be seeing them in the next couple of weeks as we're going for a visit.

My problem is that I do not want to discuss it at all with my ILs for similar reasons to you. They are ok as people but definitely deal with most things differently to how my family operate. Telling them about my mmc makes my toes curl just thinking about it. My FIL is very OTT emotional (sometimes for attention I think…) and MIL is very closed off and a bit cold. Even my lovely DH says "she's not very affectionate". I think we may get the same reaction as you have from your ILs and I know that they will blame me as I couldn't hold on to the baby or some other such crap.

I'm pleased that you have your own family and friends supporting you that is wonderful to have them on your side. As Infinity says perhaps the ILs don't know what to say to you and they are dealing with it by not dealing with it IYFSIM? I can imagine what weirdness my ILs may come out with if we were to tell them, MIL comes out with some right clangers in every day situations I cannot imagine what she would say if we told them of our loss.

Your story is making me not want to tell ILs at all but I have discussed my dilemma on here before and the MN ladies told me not to give a hoot about them and do whatever I feel is best. I just don't want my DH to feel like he wants to talk to them about it and can't see any way around staying with them for 3 nights and days without my DH maybe wanting to tell them.

ithoughtofitfirst · 20/09/2014 15:18

Yanbu op. I would be really sad about that too. I don't think everyone 'gets' miscarriage. Not that it's an excuse. I'm glad your family have given you the support you need though

Itsfab · 20/09/2014 15:26

When I had a miscarriage (was a twin) my MIL sent a five page letter complaining about how I hadn't asked after her brother who had been in a crash (I didn't know) and how she could never celebrate her birthday again (I miscarried on purpose on her birthday of course) yet she will never talk about the baby, celebrated her birthday the following year and bought my son twin trains on his first birthday. Maybe she was trying to be nice but it really hurt me.

Some people are just twats and it is no excuse to say nothing because you might say the wrong thing. I sent a bereaved friend a card saying I was sorry and didn't know what to say and she said that still really helped. People just want to know someone cares.

Spellbound2014 · 20/09/2014 15:55

@EmberElftree: I really don't envy the position you're in. It is so hard to share something if you know the reaction is going to be bad. I agree with the others who have told you you should do what you want. It's your loss and you should deal with it whatever way you wish.

@itsfab. Sounds you're mil was trying to make it all about her. I couldn't deal with receiving a letter like that.

@ ithoughtofitfirst. Thanks for your kind words. I understand some people don't get miscarriage but my mil had one herself and my sil's all have children so I would expect something from them.

My husband now want his aunts (who are visiting from out of town) to come over to see the kids next weekend. Means his mother will come too as they are her sisters. My husband has been amazing these past 4 weeks and I feel like I can't really say no. I am so dreading it and would love to say something to her in front of her sisters......

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Momagain1 · 20/09/2014 15:59

Are her sisters any better?

Spellbound2014 · 20/09/2014 19:34

They are actually. That's why I'd love to say something in front of them, just to show her up. Although am sure they know how cold she is.

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JanineStHubbins · 20/09/2014 19:43

Have your ILs spoken to your DH about it? Or acknowledged it to him?

Spellbound2014 · 20/09/2014 20:50

They have asked how I am the children are in a general way and when he brought up the miscarriage his mother just said "she's strong. I'm sure she'll get over it". The sister who lives locally has not contacted either of us.

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Bugsylugs · 20/09/2014 21:12

Op I am going against the grain here. As a sufferer of recurrent miscarriages have experienced lots of responses. My own family are pretty useless too similar they are never mentioned I guess you could call it cold. They don't know what to say. My mother was horrified I took a day off work. However their upbringing was you never let on until after a 'safe' scan at 12 weeks. The world has changed some people haven't caught up.

There is a campaign to change things about time.

Their attitude just maybe an attitude to miscarriages and nothing more it stinks but you are trying to guess their feelings. People try to avoid awkward situations if they don't know how to respond let's hope it is that.

Thinking of you at this dreadful time

Noggie · 20/09/2014 21:24

So sorry to hear your sad news:( some people just don't understand and don't pick up on cues- your in laws and my mum included . My mum to this day maintains that miscarriages are 'just like a heavy period' ...makes me mad and upset in equal proportions x

Spellbound2014 · 20/09/2014 21:28

Thanks Bugsylugs. So sorry to hear of you losses and the lack of support you received from your family. It is hard and hurtful.

Unfortunately their reaction is not an isolated event and their reaction (or lack of) to when I have lost family members or when family members have been seriously ill have been the same.. There is also a history of snide or derogatory comments about me and my family and general lack of thought or manners. I actually think they don't see the harm. I should point out my FIL is not included in this and is a caring man. It's the MIL & SILs that are the problem. I guess I was just stupid that in this instance they might be different. Think I am going to make a few changes about how and when I see them and my reaction to them.

Thanks again for the support

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Spellbound2014 · 20/09/2014 21:29

@Noggy. That's awful. Some people just don't get it. X

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Spellbound2014 · 20/09/2014 21:40

@noggy: sorry for your loss and your Mums uncaring reaction. Sending you hugs x

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MrsPiggie · 20/09/2014 21:53

sorry for your loss. I miscarried at 12 weeks as well, after 1 year of TTC. It was devastating. I can imagine how betrayed you must feel at your in-laws indifference. Some people simply don't do warmth and comfort, they don't know how to. Others are just plain nasty. I don't know what category your in-laws fall into, I would say just try to ignore and avoid them and look for comfort where it is freely given.

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