To be wary of and generally mistrust this person?

[Amibeingreallystupid]

I've changed my name for this because I think it might sound a bit stupid and more like something that belongs in the playground than adult life but here goes..

Late last year I took up a sport get fit and meet people, I don't want to say what it is in case it outs me but we have both men and women on the team and I love it and everything about it, the people are in the main lovely and friendly.

At the same time as me a woman also joined, and despite having no previous experience became very, very popular with everyone and seemed to plant herself at the centre of everything. Everyone seems to hang on her word, and I can see why as she is charismatic, witty and presents a warm and friendly exterior, she's like a mother hen to the younger team members as well.

Anyway to get to the point, I also liked her a lot until one day when training with her, completely out of the blue she referred to herself as a "retard" because she couldn't get the hang of something. I'm not easily offended but I was taken a back and looked around to see if anyone else had picked up on it but they were all too busy laughing at her. I thought maybe it was a one off but ever since it kept on coming, "spaz" " mong" and then there's the crude sexual language and constant F bombs that spill from her mouth with ease, everyone else seems to think she's hilarious but I don't. She's disabalist and talks like a fishwife. Another time I heard her bitching about another team member, but when said team member turned up she was all Nicey nice with her...

I don't dislike her as such because she hasn't actually done anything to me, but I don't like the way she talks and behaves either and I'm wary of her because I think she could potentially be very nasty if crossed. I'm now questioning my sanity because she's so adored by everyone else, people who I never in a million years thought would tolerate disabalist comments like that but that's exactly what they are doing... I'm wondering it's just me being oversensitive and prudish?

(Sorry I know this all sounds horribly childish).

[HappyAgainOneDay]

It;s possible that the others 'laugh' just to be nice but they cringe and think 'how awful' underneath.

[TheObscureAndJelliedTruth]

F Bombs? Honestly, yes, that does sound childish. Calling her a 'fishwife' is not particularly ok, either, don't you think?

However, the disablist comments would put me off too, and I'd be inclined to say something.

[NorwaySpruce]

I would imagine that the others don't give her as much thought as you do.

They see each other for a couple of hours a week, and forget about each other the minute they are out of sight.

In ordinary, everyday life, people don't get hung up on other peoples speech/values/interests unless they are close friends.

People thrown together at a sports club are just passing acquaintances, they do whatever enables them to get the most out of the activity they are paying for.

[LadyLuck10]

If you don't like what she's doing then yanbu to not want to get too friendly with her.
She's an adult and doesn't need a lecture about the way she speaks even though it's offensive. I don't like it but can't get worked up too much to want to confront her on anything.

[Amibeingreallystupid]

I'm not so sure Happy. When she went away on holiday she had comments on her Facebook from other team members saying how much hey missed her...

Maybe I am over thinking it a bit. You can like everyone I suppose.

[cailindana]

It sounds like you think she doesn't "qualify" for popularity as she isn't "nice" and you resent that. In fact, her popularity has nothing to do with you. The disablist language isn't nice, and I would understand you not wanting to be friends with her on that basis, but beyond that there's no reason to have any opinion of her at all - just interact with her when you have to and leave it at that.

[TheObscureAndJelliedTruth]

She's an adult and doesn't need a lecture about the way she speaks even though it's offensive.

I disagree with this, actually, quite a bit. Not the swearing, but being disablist is really shit.

[MamaPain]

Whilst I don't think the disablist language is very pleasant, I would only find it a concern if I actually witnessed her actioning it iyswim. I am from a minority group as is my DH, however you can't see that I'm from that group and so I get to hear lots of peoples racist words or phrases, but I only judge them for how they genuinely treat people not their words used in another context.

The swearing and the bitching wouldn't bother me. I fully believe that most people bitch to an extent. I slag off various colleagues to my DH but am nice to their face because thats just life you can't constantly like everyone but you can treat people well regardless.

You do sound naive and idealistic, I think you are being too cautious and concerned by this woman. You seem very wrapped up in her. Why don't you focus on the friendships you're making?

[RonaldMcDonald]

Lots of people tolerate spaz retard gay etc etc in everyday language
They don't take kindly to others telling them that they are being disabalist or homophobic. They feel they know what they mean etc

If you don't like it change the team you belong to or practise near someone else

[poolomoomon]

Fishwife

The 'f bomb' isn't really the end of the world. I've met a lot of really lovely people who just so happen to swear like troopers, I find it quite endearing and funny on some people. Kind of like Bridget Jones' pisshead friend.

However the disabalist terminology is not acceptable, that's another thing entirely. To me using words like 'retard' and 'mong' are just as offensive as 'faggot' 'puff' 'dyke' or indeed I'd go as far as saying as bad as the N and P words. She's either very ignorant and still thinks it's acceptable or she's just a dickhead.

She sounds like the kind of person I'd avoid fwiw. The very popular and 'charismatic' ones where everyone seems to kiss their arse are often the nasty buggers that definitely know where to stick the metaphorical knife when they feel like it.

[RonaldMcDonald]

Also, could it be that they are all a bit like that and it is only her that you notice it in?

[MamaPain]

Oh and I'm not saying you shouldn't challenge her words, or that you should even be her friend or tolerate her at all, but simply that if other people want to it's their choice. You should just focus on yourself not th potential things that might go wrong with this woman.

[TheObscureAndJelliedTruth]

Lots of people use these terms in everyday language because they are disablist and homophobic.

I think people have a responsibility to call others on it, TBH.

Not quite sure how I feel about the OP, mind, because she seems to suggest swearing is on the same level, which IMO, it isn't and can't be.

[Amibeingreallystupid]

Possibly RonaldMcDonald. She's the only person there I've heard making those kind of remarks though, but that's not to say they don't all do it at home with their families etc.

I probably am overthinking all of this by the way. I've thrown myself back into the world of socialising and making friends after several years of living like a hermit due to social anxiety so that's probably why.

[YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually]

Have you ever pulled her up on her disabalist language?

Like racism, homophobia etc, this should be challenged, otherwise you are as complicit in it like everyone else. You do come across as though you feel you are superior to her as you wouldn't say these things, but if you don't challenge it you as bad as her IMHO.

No doubt I will now get told off for being "professionally offended" and all that bollocks.

[WorraLiberty]

I'm now questioning my sanity because she's so adored by everyone else, people who I never in a million years thought would tolerate disabalist comments like that but that's exactly what they are doing

And that's exactly what you're doing too.

You didn't pull her up about it and nor did they, so why are they wrong?

[Amibeingreallystupid]

I haven't pulled her up on it because I've been wondering if it's just me being oversensitive and stupid.

[WorraLiberty]

Xposted with YesIDid

[WorraLiberty]

I haven't pulled her up on it because I've been wondering if it's just me being oversensitive and stupid.

Oh come on now really?

'Retard' 'spaz' 'mong' and you were wondering if you were just being over sensitive and stupid?

Fair enough, but why then do you expect the others to pull her up on it?

[eurochick]

I think you are being silly about the swearing. She's an adult and can swear if she wants to.

The other words are more of an issue but I know people who use these terms online and irl, reverting to the insults they used in primary school. I'm not saying it's acceptable but the people I know would never act in a discriminatory way despite using these words sometimes.

[Boysclothes]

I think as a society we're at a tipping point with words like retard and spaz. There are plenty of lovely non-disabilist people who use them. I'm often surprised when they come out of someone's mouth who I know is not a million years disabilist or ignorant. They just are still used to mean stupid or malcoordinated. I think in ten years they'll be seen as the word paki is now but not everyone is there yet. Personally I'd give her the benefit of the doubt if she is just using them to mean stupid and not referring to actual disabled people as retards.

But it seems you just haven't taken to her and that's fine too! You can't like everyone. Just go and enjoy your sport, be polite to her and engage properly with the ones you like.

[MamaPain]

No, that really isn't on. The way you've been posting I had presumed you were at least challenging her on what you disagreed with, at this point you are just as complicit as the others. I can understand you're anxious but realistically you can't complain about others when you won't do it yourself.

You've said you were living as a hermit, what about work? Or prior to that? Did you never encounter people who swore regularly?

[YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually]

Add message | Report | Message poster Amibeingreallystupid Wed 17-Sep-14 17:58:56
I haven't pulled her up on it because I've been wondering if it's just me being oversensitive and stupid.


And yet, in your OP you clearly said "she's disabalist"

Pull the other one. Call her on it. Sad to see some of the responses on here. People who say these words "but would never act in a discriminatory way". Words fail me, even mumsnet don't accept these words being used.

[HamstersAndHockeySticks]

Whilst I don't like the words "retard", "spaz", etc I don't think it seems as bad if someone is talking about themselves iyswim. That doesn't mean I don't think they're horrible words though. Also like Boysclothes said I've heard many lovely people who aren't disabilist in the slightest use these words - I don't think they're trying to be horrible, they just don't think IMO.

Have you tried talking to her about this? Maybe she doesn't realise how much this upsets you.

[Boysclothes]

Personally I think mumsnet is way ahead of the curve on this one and just doesn't represent a huge proportion of the population who still use these words as common currency.