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AIBU?

To uninvite in-laws for xmas?

47 replies

kkllww · 16/09/2014 09:18

I know the title sounds mean, but basically my in-laws kind of invited themselves to us this xmas several months ago (my husband and I afterwards kind of chuckled about it, wondering how it had happened, but thought we'd just go ahead with it).

The thing is, we both would prefer to have my parents over this xmas - they're much easier to be around and the atmosphere will be a lot more laid back. I'll be 8mos pregnant at xmas with no 2 (I didn't know I was pregnant when we agreed to their visit) and one of the big things that puts me off the in-laws coming is the heavy drinking and me having to put up with raucous behaviour while probably feeling a bit crap and tired. I know xmas is a time for indulgence but they really do indulge big time!

We thought we'd tell them when they visit soon, and to soften the blow, would say we'd visit them next xmas (they live 200+ miles away). I know my husband is a bit worried about hurting their feelings, and I have underlined to him that if he's just going along to keep me happy, not to, and if he wants them over, I'll just suck it up. He says he definitely doesn't and i believe him - it's just awkward for him to have that conversation with them now.

The other thing is we had a rubbish xmas last year for various reasons, so I want a nice, chilled out one this year.

Guess I just wondered what people thought about this - does it sound unreasonable?

OP posts:
shushpenfold · 16/09/2014 09:20

To be honest, yes, it does. You invited them, or rather you didn't put them off quickly when they invited themselves and you can't back out now without really offending. Invite your M&D next year when you'll have an almost 1 year old and then you'll need the lack of raucous behaviour!

WorraLiberty · 16/09/2014 09:21

It wouldn't sound so bad if you weren't going to invite your own Mum instead.

I reckon that's the bit that's going to hurt them the most.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 16/09/2014 09:22

Tbh yeah i do think it sounds a bit unreasonable. Especially since you wish to uninvite them and then invite your family - itd be different if you just decided that at 8m pg ypu simply could no longer host Christmas and so were cancelling all plans but this seems quite mean.

Could you invite both sides of the family? Maybe also say something along the lines of "as I will be heavily pg by then, could you take responsibiloty for X,Y,z"

WorraLiberty · 16/09/2014 09:22

Sorry, your parents instead.

usualsuspect333 · 16/09/2014 09:23

I think they will be pissed off to find themselves uninvited in favour of your parents.

longtallsally2 · 16/09/2014 09:24

Agree with the PPs. You have good grounds to uninvited them now, but unless your parents live locally and are able to just pop in, it would be difficult to invite them to stay in your in-laws place.

Can you plan to have a quiet Christmas with the three of you but somehow manage to see your parents, without making it a big visit?

usualsuspect333 · 16/09/2014 09:25

Might be better to invite no one and have a chilled out xmas on your own.

basgetti · 16/09/2014 09:25

Cancelling because you would be tired and in need of a quiet christmas without guests would be fine. Bumping them in favour of your own family is unreasonable and bound to cause hurt feelings.

rebelfor · 16/09/2014 09:25

I agree, uninviting the in-laws but offering your own parents an invite does sound a little mean.

Nanny0gg · 16/09/2014 09:25

If I was them I'd be really hurt. And to have your parents instead? You know you'll get the blame.

There is no good way to do this.

pictish · 16/09/2014 09:27

I don't think you can un-invite them, then ask your parents instead. That would be very pointed, and your in laws will be hurt.
I know they foisted this on you, but I still think it would be too harsh.

Either cancel them and have it on your own, or leave it as it is.

weekendninja · 16/09/2014 09:29

Tbh, I would rather get it over and done with this year whilst pregnant than travel 200+ miles with an 8 month old the year after.

Tauriel1 · 16/09/2014 09:32

I would feel mean cancelling.

I would just be honest and say that with a child and another on the way, you want a relaxing day with less booze etc and leave it to then to decide whether Xmas at your house sounds appealing to them. Just don't buy much alcohol and possibly have your parents round too

kkllww · 16/09/2014 09:34

Ah, I thought this might be the consensus but was hoping it wouldn't be! Thanks for your replies, i'll speak to husband tonight about the best way forward: maybe we should just have the 3 of us this xmas.
One reason we thought seeing them next year would be a good solution is cos husband's parents are divorced, so this is actually dad and SM, so if we visited them next xmas, we'd be able to do the job lot of both sets of parents (both live very close).

OP posts:
LucilleBluth · 16/09/2014 09:35

Yep, mean, horrible and potentially ruining a relationship.

gentlehoney · 16/09/2014 09:36

I think it would be a horrible thing to do. I would be upset for ever if I was the in-law.
I hope you all manage to have a good Christmas despite the irritations.

Tauriel1 · 16/09/2014 09:37

I wouldn't stress too much OP. It really is just a day. Families eh Wink

McGlashan · 16/09/2014 09:38

Honestly I think it's fine. You could look on it as being your parents turn if they don't normally come to you. You could also use the being heavily pg as an excuse. Don't mention next year either and see how it goes.

Nanny0gg · 16/09/2014 09:39

so this is actually dad and SM

So binning them off will look even more pointed.

kkllww · 16/09/2014 09:43

@nannyogg. Only reason I said it was dad and SM is to point out that there are 4 parents on his side, so we wouldn't be avoiding a long trip next year as there would still be mum & SD.
My family are divorced too so it's my mum & SD. All these extra pairings make things very complicated! :)

OP posts:
longtallsally2 · 16/09/2014 09:44

However, sympathies too. Being 8 months pregnant is not ideal for putting up with raucous houseguests who sound at best rather inconsiderate. Christmas doesn't have to be a time for indulgence. It can just be a nice relaxing family time. It would not be rude to say that you won't be up to hosting a house party at that time: in fact with 2 small children you might want to suggest it could be a few years before your partying days return.

OnlyLovers · 16/09/2014 09:44

I think you can reasonably say that, now you know you're pregnant, you've rethought Christmas and want a quiet one instead. But you can't reasonably invite your parents instead and not expect problems.

I wouldn't commit to next Christmas yet, either, but would say that with a new baby everything is up in the air and you'll be reevaluating what you do at Christmastime.

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poolomoomon · 16/09/2014 09:59

Aw poor them! You should have put them off the idea sooner. I know it's still three months away yet but when they've planned this for most of the year (by the sounds of it) they're probably looking forward to it and haven't made any other arrangements. It's a bit mean to suddenly drop on them that actually they can't come and not only that but you'd prefer your parents to be there. Just all seems a bit rude and mean.

If you really can't put up with them for the day then go ahead and uninvite them but don't invite your parents instead, just have a quiet Christmas on your own. Totally sympathise with being 8 months pregnant and not wanting to deal with pissheads though, I didn't want to deal with people in general by that point so drunk people would have been the last straw.

WiseGuysHighRise · 16/09/2014 09:59

Going with the majority here - to uninvite them and invite your parents is hurtful.

There's no spin you can put on it - you even say we both would prefer to have my parents over this xmas so I kind of applaud you for your honesty but am wincing a bit at your lack of awareness.

Imagine how you'd feel - "Oh we invited KK over but actually, we've had a tough few months and she's too boring/loud/stupid/quiet/whatever so we're inviting Bob and Sue instead".

Make it clear that at 8mths pregnant you will not be hosting "party time" but will be looking forward to a quiet, peaceful Christmas. You completely understand if it's not for them... But saying anything more than that I think would be mean.

redexpat · 16/09/2014 10:02

Invite both sets. Theyll consequently all be on their best behaviour because they wont want to show themselves up. Trust me, works every time Wink

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