to feel like a failure with my son

[2boysandcounting1]

And to think the GP should be more supportive?

My son is just 4 and for 2 years i have been worried that there is something going on with him with regards to his development since turning 3 his behaviour. He was referred to a speech therapist when he was 2.5 as he used alot of jargon which was very unclear. He waited 9months for the appointment but due to the high demand we were discharged and told to go back once he is 4 if his speech is still unclear. He has improved slightly but not many people can understand him and you cannot hold a proper 2 way conversation with him and if i ask him what he has done at school he says the same things and nothing more.

He also has a poor diet, will not eat cooked dinners and picks at sandwiches and also will not open his bowels on the toilet as he gets very distressed. I have got a pot, a seat for the toilet and i have tried not giving him pads but as he is still wet overnight he just waits until then and does it in his pad.
His behaviour is also very challenging. He screams, get easily frustrated, cannot sit still for example he is always climbing or rolling around. I have had to come downstairs now as i have been up there since 6.00 doing his bath and trying to settle him down and once he gets into bed he is doing headstands up the wall and just generally not settling down. I try reading to him and he continues to do this. I am in tears of frustration and upset as i just do not know what to do.

I have been to the doctors who asked if i was thinking along the lines of ADHD which i was. I even wrote some things down to tell the doctor. He was all for referring him but phoned me that same night to say he had spoken with a senior doctor and they asked me to keep a log then go back with it. Trouble is i would be writing in it constantly. He also has a poor attention span.

Is this normal 4 year old behaviour or could something else be going on? I just want to help him and i feel i can never reach him if that makes sense. Feel like a complete failure. Im also 7 months pregnant which i don't know if that is why i feel so upset.

[BarbarianMum]

YABU to think you are a failure and I'm sorry that you've been made to feel that way.

If you are worried that something is going on, then imo you are probably right. What that something is, I don't know and maybe not anything serious but something that needs to be checked out.

Write your log for a week and go back. Push (if needs be) for a referral to a developmental pediatrician. The log will be useful for helping them to decide on the right tests.

Also, if he goes to/has just left nursery ask them straight out if they have any concerns.

[PiperIsOrange]

Every thing you written I would eat my hat if he has not got autism.

[Daftsocks]

You are not a failure!

I expect someone more experienced will be along soon to offer advice, I can't help with the speech or diet issues but I think it's pretty normal for four year olds to be full of beans, energetic, hard to get into bed and have poor attention spans!

Xxx

[LairyPoppins]

I have 2 4 year old boys and they don't do any of these things.

Push for a referral.

[Minikievs]

Please don't feel a failure. It sounds like you are doing an amazing job.

I have a 4 year old DS. Some of what you describe does sound like "normal" 4 year old behaviour. But maybe not if he is constantly acting like this, rather than it being occasional tantrums/mad half hours.

I don't have any advice but please don't feel a failure. Barbarians suggestion of asking nursery/preschool for their opinion is a very good one.

[oddsocksmostly]

How is he at school OP? Do they have concerns?

[PiperIsOrange]

www.autism.org.uk/about-autism/autism-and-asperger-syndrome-an-introduction/what-is-autism.aspx

[aermingers]

You're not a failure. I do think that you need to keep a log though, because the doctors will really need the best information available in order to make a diagnosis. Perhaps if it's easier you could sit down at the end of the day and make a summary? Would that make it easier? Do it while he's in bed?

You actually sound like a really caring mum who is concerned for his welfare, not a failing Mum at all, a good one.

[2boysandcounting1]

I have a 2 year old aswell and i have never had any concerns about him but my 4 year old there has always been something nagging at me. I think his behaviour is slightly better when he was at nursery although they did say about his poor attention span as he was always rolling accross the carpet at story time etc. They also advised me to go back to speech therapy. He has now started reception and they are going to log any concerns for me.

if he was autistic would he be so outgoing? He talks to absolutely everyone to the point I have to bring him away as he does not leave them alone. When i talk to him he doesn't appear to listen and i don't always think it is deliberate. I'm not saying all the time sometimes it could be him choosing to ignore me but i mean it doesn't even register sometimes what i am saying to him. I am Definately going back to the GP. Do health visitors do referrals too?

[2boysandcounting1]

A summary sounds like a good idea. It's probably the best way i can do it. He has only started reception a week ago so i will speak to them soon once he has settled in a bit more.

I only stopped using reigns at Christmas with him as he couldn't be trusted near roads and would just run accross roads. He doesn't do that now.

I know i shouldn't compare him to his peers but the more i see them the more i think something is wrong. I just don't want him to struggle and at the same time I feel so frustrated.

[littlejohnnydory]

My son does all of these things, apart from the speech issue. He has Aspergers. Yes, Health Visitors can also refer. Our referral for assessment was to the child development clinic - DS was four then. I think an older child would be referred to camhs.

[DontstepontheMomeRaths]

Is he in school yet? The school nurse can refer for assessment I believe if your GP won't listen to you. More than one way to skin a cat, as the old saying goes.

He's still under a HV until age 5. Give them a call too.

If all else fails. I say change GP surgeries. Your son needs help. Sadly you have to push hard to be heard sometimes.

[PiperIsOrange]

People with asd just don't know when to quit.

Ds will talk to everyone about dinosaurs, he will tell them fact after fact after fact. He doesn't know when someone has lost interest. For example that the leaves was falling from the trees and my mum tried to tell him about autumn but he had to bring that dinosaurs that are herbivore at eat tree and then goes into depth about dinosaurs.

[2boysandcounting1]

Another thing i forgot to add is his routine for getting into the car. He won't just let you put him in his car seat. He has to open the passenger door and close ir himself, if you do it he has to do it again. Then it is a battle to get him into the seat. It makes going anywhere a nightmare.

Also on our walk to school he has specific places he likes to cross and is quite obsessive about it. If we walk with some friends along the way he says to them we have to cross here(referring to his usual place to cross) if i say lets cross over now he says we have to cross here.

How can you tell if it is just behaviour or if there is more to it? Its making me stop enjoying being with him which makes me feel awful.

[BarbarianMum]

I think sometimes it is the sheer volume of 'little' things that builds up to the realisation that something more is going on. I guess many parents of 4 year olds could relate to one or two of the things you mentioned but it's the fact that your ds does all these things suggests that there is a bigger picture.

Tbh OP the more info you post the more I'm wondering ASD. If so, a diagnosis would be really useful. Go back to the doctor.

[2boysandcounting1]

Thanks for all the replies and advice. I have started to write a summary of his behaviour and habits.

When he was attending nursery he used to have to kiss me goodbye in exactly the same spot every day but nursery didn't see this as an issue. Don't know whether it was anxiety because he didn't want me to go.

I just want to enjoy spending time with him instead of it being so stressful. I don't enjoy going out with him due to how he behaves when out and i feel like a prisoner.

[LarrytheCucumber]

Has he had a hearing check? It always helps to eliminate other possible reasons for the poor speech and lack of two way conversation.
Having said that it does sound as though he might have an autistic spectrum condition.

[2boysandcounting1]

Larry- yes he had a hearing check before he had his speech therapy appointment and that was fine. I wasn't to impressed with the speech therapy as we had an initial assessment and she said he had moderate needs but discharged him as had to prioritise severe cases due to high case load.

The speech therapist asked if his delayed speech caused him frustration and i said yes but she didn't agree. Of course its going to be frustrating if he can't communicate how he feels. He just screams or throws things when he gets frustrated or feels he cannot do something.

[BlackeyedSusan]

my advice: log for a week. google stuff about adhd and autism. some stuff you think is normal may be warning signs.

book yourself onto a parenting course. (not because you are poor at parenting but they do like to send you on this first soyou can tick that box for them)

go back to gp and push for a referral for ds yourself.

refer back to salt as well. you can self refer in some areas.

[2boysandcounting1]

I'm trying to get in touch with the speech therapist but no joy yet as i either get an answer phone or who i do end up speaking to doesn't appear to be passing my message on. I didn't know that about parenting courses, i will have to look into that.

[Catgotyourbrain]

Just to back up previous posters- writing a summary of everything he does as you're described on here is the best thing. We are finally having a proper assessment in a few weeks but when I took DS1 (8 and was exactly as you describe when 4 - except for no language delay) to CAMHS initially they didn't have any documentation from the referral in from of them and thought he was just boisterous . When I wrote it all down and went though it they took it quite seriously.

I didn't do a diary but I wrote a summary with specific examples to illustrate. Diary good too though I'm sure., but a detailed document to the GP and to go on file will be great

[YourHandInMyHand]

Sounds like my DS who is autistic. Just like him!

The chatting to people is part of his social communication which is a big part of autism. You are NOT a failure, contrary to popular belief it is HARD to get a child diagnosed with autism or anything similar, even if it is an obvious case.

Keep plugging away at SALT, GP, etc. Ask for a referral for assessment. If you are facing delays due to waiting lists/ lack of funding them complain to pals (patient advice and liason service). Basically you need to be a pain in the butt.

Ask school to log anything like attention span, social interactions, toilet needs whilst there, etc.

I just want to say too to reassure you that my DS is 9 now, he cracked the number 2s on the toilet eventually, and even though he's still full of beans he now understands the concept of quiet time at bedtime! Hang in there.

[Abcdefg1234567]

Ask for a referral to a developmental paediatrician.
And yes, write a summary and write a diary.

[AllThatGlistens]

If your GP won't refer, change GP and push them, it may seem uncomfortable to you but you have to be insistent, really really insistent.

I know how difficult it is, but you MUST push hard and shout loud to be heard.

I have two boys, one with High Functioning ASD who is doing great just now and a little one with severe classic autism and global developmental delay amongst other disabilities. I also have a DD who is completely neurotypical or "normal" so I have a bit of experience from all sides of it.

What you are describing would warrant a referral to investigate what's going on.

I am not about to diagnose your child, I'm certainly not an expert but I think there are behaviours there that need to be looked at by the professionals.

If your school/nursery are helpful, get them on board, in some areas they can refer to request assessment.

The hardest part now is being heard, and this is where you have to fight, push, shout, demand and refuse to go away until the professionals start to listen.

Waiting lists for assessments can be long so better to have him on them as soon as possible, and again with the speech therapy.

I hope you start to see some action soon OP, I'm not saying any sort of diagnosis is a definite but I do think it will be helpful for you and your child to have his difficulties looked at.

Take it easy on yourself, and keep being calm and consistent with your DS whilst you wait, there's a lot of posters here that understand what you're going through.

[Littledidsheknow]

We started to worry about DD (now 8)'s development and behaviour when she was 3 going on 4, many of her problems being similar to your DSs. Luckily, her nursery teacher (school nursery) was concerned too, and with the combined pressure from school to Ed Psych (hopeless) and Speech and Language people (fantastic), and us going to first health visitor and then GP, she was referred to clinic for assessments and to council to request statement.
Finally, after nearly 2 years she was given statement and diagnosis of 'atypical presentation of ASD'
My point being, approach all angles. If your son is at school or nursery, ask their view and for them to request visit from Ed psych and Speech and Lang dept.
It's a long haul, but with persistence and others on your side hopefully your sone can receive the help he needs.
And yes: YABU to think you are a failure. You are a great mum!